i woke up in a slow panic today. ive thought through everything last night and i cant figure out whats wrong. 

i feel nauseous. my heart is pounding. im choking on my own spit. i cant lie still – forget falling back asleep.

i havent felt this way in a while. i always forget how this feeling rips me apart at the seams – i feel open, like if the wind blew it would breeze right through all the cracks in my frame. 

keep breathing. deeper. try to fall asleep so you can get away from it all. try to quiet your heart. are you nervous? guilty? youre okay. youre okay. should you take your medicine? dont cry. close your eyes. try to calm down. youve done nothing wrong and you can handle whatevers coming up these few days. youve done nothing wrong.

why did i think i did something wrong? do i feel guilty that that guy bought me a drink last night and i left? thats life – you stayed and talked. you gave him your number – youre an idiot but youre nice. do i feel guilty that i blew off that tinder guy bc he said he lives w his parents? no – thats honestly completely valid and he whined all night which was disgusting. do i feel guilty that i drank last night? bc i spent money and didnt have a great night? im allowed to drink – mom even told you to. brain, shut the fuck up. ive done absolutely nothing wrong and you can fuck right off.