life was dandy
before you.
and i’d be lyin’
if i said
i love you –
‘cuz i dont.

life was dandy
before we met
and you started lyin’
about what
I meant to you.
nothing.

3:07AM
Ive told shannon im going to kill myself. And maybe i am. Im not sure. Why am i such a sick fuck to make her worry about me? Do i crave change? In my life? I feel so guilty. I feel terrible but also i feel like im living like my heart is beating. I think i like to hurt people the people who care about me. Why? Wtfs wrong with me?

3:43AM
i think i like hurting people. Bc im above them and i crush what they see in me. But only if i think theyre below me to begin with or they’ve proven themselves to be lesser. Otherwise, all i want to do is prove that im up to someones standards and be on so and so’s level. But for everyone else, i dont have time and i dont care.

And i dont hate the couples this year.
I dont.
I harbor no bad feelings toward them.
I mean,
im not thrilled by their happiness
or anything,
and I’m definitely jealous.
But im okay now.
Im fine.
I know my times coming,
and i know if i keep being
unapologetically me
then ill turn out just fine
and my soulmate will see.

the heart wants what the heart wants.

my heart wanted you,

but now it’s

bruised

tired

angry

hurt

confused.

its not that i want to kill myself
its just that i dont want
to be
living.
i dont want to live
on this planet
i dont want to hear
the sounds of the birds
i dont want to breathe
the same air
as these stupid fuckboy turds.
i dont want
to be
living.
im sad all the time
i overthink all my thoughts
“im too good for everyone”
“im a piece of shit”
“im lost.”
i cant make connections with people
i run away
i hide
because god forbid
i meet someone who stay.
fuck this
fuck that
fuck you
im done.
but mom, i love you
im a good person
life just isnt fun

but when something so stable

starts falling apart

you lose yourself

and you let go of your heart