And here’s the difference…here’s the feeling you havent felt in so long: FOMO. For a month since school started, youve been completely okay with staying in and watching everyone else get drunk bc you were saving yourself for him. You thought that even though you were alone those nights, he was with you bc he would be with you soon enough if you didnt go out and party. You stayed home so he would love you and you stayed in so that maybe next time you stayed in, he would stay in with you. And now, youre realizing hes still with her. And next time you stay home, hes not going to stay home with you. Youre just alone. As alone as you were all these past night waiting for him, and just as alone as you’ll be if you stay in waiting for him more. I’m absolutely not saying to go out if you dont wanna go out, but im saying not to stay in because of him. Dont do anything because of him. Stop highlighting parts of you just because you know he likes those parts. Hes a skinny, cheating sack of shit and youre gonna fall so hard for the next guy, Rae. It’s been a year since you met him, and its been nine months since you started missing him, and its been six months since youve been his. Dont let these months turn into years and get out now. Youre not in deep anymore. Youre so free.
And im okay. Im okay. Youre okay. You dont really hurt – you just want to feel something. You want to feel like theres a reason why youre living day-in and day-out…why you keep breathing. You’re experiencing things every day and changing and choosing how to live and right now you feel stagnant. Youre not happy because you crave more. You feel like theres more. Youre sad because you know you can do more, but excuses and social norms are holding you back. You run on a lower frequency because youre not content with living day-in and day-out like other people are. Youre smarter and you know you can do more.
I havent been spending as much time in my bed. Thats not my default setting right now – im always looking for something to do or something to work on or maybe even people to do something with. It makes the time go by faster and i think less and im happier. Maybe extroverts are onto something.
people are so different
Sometimes im like “oh my god it kills me it rips me apart to see this it hurts so bad to see him with her and i—” and then i stop and think and i realize im okay im completely okay. Im stable and im strong and yeah theres a little bite but my heart is still there and its still beating and im okay.