sometimes he shocks me with how much he cares. sometimes its overwhelming and absurd and i feel suffocated. like i want out.
sometimes im shocked by how dismissive he is. i feel tiny. i feel walked on.
“i just spilled scalding water all over my thighs”
“im sorry. do these tables go over here?”
we worked a party today and i saw a very ugly side of him. i felt unheard and insignificant. i think he felt bad, though, after i talked to him about how i felt.
note: i cant tell other people how i feel as easily as i can tell him. and it sucks how easy it is bc i search for that in people, and ill miss it when we’re over. i think its bc i know he’ll love me no matter what, so im confident and able to be real with him. and be a little crazy.
i think hes terrified of losing me. im glad hes not afraid to roughen me up a bit, though, bc if he praised the ground i walk on too much (more than he already does) then id break him faster than he could say “but…i love you.”
im a sick fuck i think.
i was talking to
ken brandon and said “long distance doesnt work”
ken turned to me: “are you saying we’re not going to work?”
he’d caught my calculated jab.
“i wasnt talking about us. we’re different,” i lied.
i know what im doing, and i cant stop. i wanted to see his reaction to that. he immediately mentioned how his dad could get him a job in california. i pressed on.
he seemed reassured.
i know this is temporary. i know who i need — who i want.
i just know, and i cant help it. i dont want to.
a few days ago, at railyard, ken said he “signed up” for my bipolar.
“you told me weeks before we started dating. i dont want you to think youd ever have to hide it from me. you dont have to deal with it alone, bc youre not alone. this [we] isnt just a few-month thing.”
“no, no, i know. thank you.”
this has weighed on me since he said it.
he says these things, i think, for confirmation on my end. and i give it. every time.
and i lie. every time.
i dont see a life with him. i dont want one. on paper, he’s nearly perfect.
but life isnt on fucking paper.
i may never be with a guy as caring and loving as he is, and thats pretty scary, but hes not right. hes not my soulmate. hes not who i want to wake up to every morning and co-brand myself with.
is that the problem? does he not fit my brand?
im more shallow than anyone could imagine. but i see my other half as just that — my other half. he needs to be equally as weird and funny and dark and cool as i am, and ken just isnt that.
hes very sweet and he makes me feel very loved most of the time. hes security. but hes not the love of my life.
im going to break his heart.