YOUVE. CONSISTENTLY. LET ME DOWN. FOR TWO YEARS. 

WHY. DO. I. PUT. YOU. BEFORE. THOSE. WHO. HAVE. PROVEN. THEMSELVES. TO. ME. TIME. AND. TIME. AGAIN. 

why are you ignoring me?

​​

i didnt go home this weekend for jays grad party bc i wanted to see tim one more time before he left for vacation. 

i didnt go out with vince for his 21st bc i was waiting for tim to text me back. 

so, i spent the night alone and waiting for a text that never came. again. 

and now im not helping shannon move bc im waiting to see if he’ll want to meet up before he leaves. 

how refreshing – a bleak look into our past. me ready to give up everything for him and him not caring enough to even text me back. 

things were going so well with our communication. im trying to be more open and real this time around to show him ive grown up. it still really sucks. this is the feeling i have to remember when i miss him. but this isnt the feeling i remember. i remember his eyes and his laugh and our jokes. and those things alone outweigh anything else. im in love with those things and im in love with this very stupid boy. 

i hope he texts me soon.  

He made you sick before when you were “dating” (his word, not mine). By only giving you enough to get by and wish for more. 

He makes you sick now. By dangling himself in front of you. 

Do you really think if you got together again that would change?

Youd wake up paranoid every day. Youd wake up with him as your first thought more often than you do now – hes a distraction. Youd look at every girl as an enemy. Youd feel bad about your body. Youd feel on edge every time hes around bc youd want to look good. Youd feel ripped apart bc loving him is riding a rollercoaster. Youd be miserable. Again. 

Don’t forget how miserable you were when you were together. 

I want to spend the rest of my life with him. 

i cant think straight. i cant think. i have so much anxiety. I keep replaying the crash in my head — it doesnt feel real. I cant believe it happened, but also I was expecting it somehow. I can’t explain it.

Did this weaken the progress we made this summer? Or did we strengthen our connection? Did I etch another memory into his life that he’ll remember me by? God, I hope hr doesnt have to remember me. I hope I’m with him in the future. 

I cant think. Im buzzing,pulsing,aching. I keep breaking down into tears. I keep imagining he died. I keep imagining I died. I cant get the second after seeing those headlights behind us out of my head. 

He said he forgives me for all that I blame myself for. Does he? “Am I bad luck?” he asked last night. He might be. He’s toxic, as I’ve said. I really hope he’s not mad at be. 

No matter what happens or what he does, I’m only concerned with his perception of me. Its so exhausting. How fucked up am I?

The shitty Linkin Park song Tim was playing faded out as the blood from my ears sank.

‘Those headlights are coming up fast. I think they’re going to —’

[…]

“Are you okay? Are you okay?” I panicked, desperately hoping to hear Tim’s voice. If he was hurt…I wouldn’t make it either. “Are you okay?”

“…I’m okay,” he said after what felt like minutes. “Are you okay?”

“I’m okay.”

My car was sitting in a ditch. We’d been rearended. Hard. We were okay. 

And in that moment I realized what it’s like to selflessly care about someome more than yourself. I pondered how I hekd onto his forearm the entire time we were flying through the air because I didn’t want to lose him. I couldnt lose him. It would kill me. And I wasn’t scared for a second as long as I had his arm. Because as long as I have him, I’m not scared. I can do anything. I can survive a car crash. 

“Are you guys alright?” asked the asshole who wasnt paying enough attention to slow down. 

“I…think so,” said Tim, disgruntled, as he opened his door to try to get out. 

I tried mine, but it didn’t budge. The tall weeds were coming through my window. 

‘Tim’s okay,’ I thought, surveying my body to make sure I could move it. ‘I’m okay.’

I climbed over the center consol and granbed Tim’s hand so I could get out of the door. Of course the hill is covered with prickers. 

We’d been rear-ended after making a wrong turn coming home from Erie Brewing Co. And, God, I wished we hadn’t made that turn. But there’s nothing I could do other than talk to the police and watch as the scraps of my car were pulled from the bramble.

“Are you okay?” Tim asked, looking me dead in the eyes. 

“Yes. Are you?”

I kept breaking tears, and every time Tim would hold my hand or rub my back. I sank into it. I needed him now more than ever. Almost.

Tristyn drove us home as I sobbed to my mom on the phone. Tim squeezed my hand harder from the dront seat. 

We’d just had one of my favorite nights of my life. Tim and I were contagious – infectious – to those around us. We were happy, and others wanted to talk to us. We couldn’t stop laughing – we’re both so quick. 

Tristyn immediately took a liking to us, and eventually we were telling her the story about how we met. 

“You guys are together, right?” she asked. 

And Tim slowly looked down and back up at me. 

“No,” I said. Why didn’t he just answer? Why did he look at me first?

We at one point had 3 employees sitting with us talking about themselves and the music. It was amazing, and the beer cheese was fantastic. I couldnt stop smiling. He couldnt stop smiling. We talked about a taught top knot and our past and his nipples and eventually my nipples and everything inbwteen. Conversation was so easy, and it was so funny. God, I love him so much. 

After stealing 7 stickers, two cups, two containers, and two pens, we left telling Tristyn to follow us to Blook Club. 

She did. And she watched my car flip into the air before landing in the ditch. 

i can’t breathe. it’s clawing at me its in my stomach its behind my eyes im going to throw up. its piercing me i cant think straight. i cant think about anything other than you. 

i caved and blew him last night. i cant count how many times ive caved now. but i got to sleep next to him. last night, he was mine. and no one has to know. i want him to love me back so desperately i cant function. if hes cheating on her – just like he cheated on me, mind you – then he might not love her anymore. maybe he never did. maybe he’s ready to love me again. read those sentences back one more time, rae. he’s a cheater, and you can’t survive a cheater. 

“a long time ago,” tim told johnny after johnny asked if we’d ever seen Whiplash. I’d forced tim to watch it when we were together, and, to me, it wasn’t all that long ago. To him, though, it sounded as though he feels its been an eternity. It dug deep and although i was high I remembered it this morning. But I got to sleep next to him. God I miss sleeping next to him. 

We’re slowly building more inside jokes and fun memories over these weeks, and they’re beginning to shadow the miserable ones we created two years ago. Maybe this is the beginning of what I’ve wanted since it ended. Maybe, though, this is the 500th time I’ve thought this and nothing has changed. 

God, I’m sick.

i didnt go running today. i was busy, and off-days are okay. still eating healthy!

i cant sleep bc im thinking about you. i almost texted you..again. where did you go? why did she unpin you from her twitter?

god. when will i learn. 

i want to drive by your apartment to see if Ginnys there, but thats crazy and stalkerish. If i were more awake, i might. but im scared to see an empty parking spot. im scared to see you spent the night somewhere else. im scared. im sick. im so scared. im making myself so sick.