i puked so much —

all of the pizza.

i was floating,

and then i puked.

my head hurts.

theres puke in my nose —

its sour.

at least im grounded.

this is better.

that sucked.

i puked so much.

im fragile. im constantly on the verge of tears. im very easily frustrated. im in my head more than usual. im sick to my stomach — i have no appetite. i have no desire to talk to anyone. i eat melatonin like candy. ive been smoking most nights.

my heart aches. my insides are slicked with numbness.

i get anxiety when i think about ending up alone while i actively hide from those who care about me.

im scared.

im not trying to fight.

im tired.

the thoughts dance around my mind again —

i havent missed them.

theyre very loud.

i didnt realize i was getting this bad

it happened quickly

swiftly

i have to re-find my footing. i have to find pride in who i am again.

lets pull out all the stoppers

lets not be scared of what people will think

lets leave nothing behind.

im sick of living in the past

and living for other people.

i want a job.

i want to make the most of LA.

i want to be proud of who i am.

im tired.

im scared.

sometimes its a win just to get through the day

i filet my heart into two neat pieces.

i poke it softly with my finger

as oil sizzles in the pan.

i’m not wearing gloves.

i gently move my organ

over the bubbling, gurgling steel.

‘i never did get non-stick,’ i think,

and i plop it in.

it screams.

it pinches the air and

rips through my apartment.

if i were still alive,

id be nervous the neighbors would talk.

feeling raw

feeling out of control

man, is that like clockwork, or what?

heart cant slow down

thoughts wont slow down

feeling nauseous.

cant be in the moment.

reeling————-

money.

boys.

leah.

body.

none of this should be sending me into a spiral,

but it is.

again.

jesus, the same shit.

im so sick of it.

im frustrated with myself.

im frustrated with my anxiety.

im frustrated with the people in my life.

displacement? or is it fair?

“youre too hard on people”

yeah, i know.

im harder on myself, so.

^not sound reasoning.

i feel stagnant.

i feel lost.

im starting to isolate myself.

i know what this means.

i have to fight it off

work with it

keep moving forward.

you cant always run home.

jesus christ —

i have to stand on my own two feet.

i have to learn.

i have to take a step back from men —

not take a break or call them off or anything

stupid like that.

i just have to remove myself

from my emotions —

just a little.

i have autonomy over my feelings.

i have control over my emotions.

i have to stop letting these men affect my mood so much.

im stronger than this.

i can do this.

i can own my life.

i cant remember feeling at ease.

i cant remember my heart not pounding.

i cant remember when my brain was quiet

and my thoughts shut the fuck up.

i cant retreat into my mind without being assaulted.

i cant breathe without forcing air in and out.

i cant think.

i cant see.

i cant feel.

i know i’ll come back.

i have to fuCKING chill!!!!

its eating me alive —

why do i care so much?

i really like him.

i “really” “like” “him” —

do i, though?

i have no idea.

we flirted /

we laughed.

he definitely gets it,

and hes super cute,

but on a fundamental level,

we are different.

kissing him was fun,

and im glad i had the chance,

but that was all it was.

it was fun.

it was fun.

stop overthinking.

he was very nice.

i was very drunk.

and its okay!

you were surrounded by friends who are there for you

you were safe

everyone is okay.

no one is mad at you.

quiet your thoughts.

stop.

breathe.

breathe.

stop.

let it go.

dont think of the “what if”s

and be happy it happened.

hes a great guy,

and youre a great girl,

and you’ll be in touch.

im going to be sick.

im so on edge.

my head hurts.

im going to be sick.

I MISS YOU SO MUCH

DO YOU LOVE ME

IM SO CLOSE TO TEXTING YOU

DO YOU MISS ME

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

OUCH

heart quietly and quickly drumming

reason: unknown.

do i wanna know?

everything is raw

//stifle it//

that seems to be my motto lately.

youre okay, rae.

youre doing it.

this is the scary part.

this is the exciting part?

im so scared i cant even cry these days.

i wouldnt know where to start.

im floating through these few weeks just trying to hold the fuck on

just hold the fuck on, rae.

you can do this.

if anyone can, it’s you.

nose to the grindstone.

keep running — keep trying to feel whole.

feel something —

you’re okay.

i know* you are

*hope

i had a dream about you this morning.

i havent dreamt of you in a long time.

my mom got me a new pair of headphones for my birthday, and i wanted to share them with you

you apologized for not wishing me a happy birthday

we were high up in a tree

snuggled and swinging

you held me

you liked my headphones

i’d never felt more safe

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