I WANT TO FEEL ALIVE BUT I CAN FEEL NOTHING AT ALL
if i just closed my eyes like i did last night i know i could fall asleep
i keep yawning and my eyes are watering but i cant let go of the screens yet
i dont want to be in my head right now. i want to be asleep or occupied. why cant i unwind?
im pretty numb. and reckless. and thats a very dangerous combination.
im also tired
i hope next week is better
let it go.
you can mess up sometimes and still be okay. youre totally fine.
UGH THIS GUT-WRENCHING FEELING HAS MY STOMACH IN KNOTS AND MY HEART IN MY THROAT. my heart is pounding in my ears. what a headache. i might throw up.
keep breathing. in. out.
im so tired
my head is pounding. my eyes are so heavy. my breathing is labored. this will pass. this will fade. this wont be a problem for long.
katie still adores you. you were 30 minutes “late” — so what? SO WHAT. ANDY WAS FINE. EVERYTHING WAS OKAY. YOURE OKAY NOW. STOP OVERTHINKING ABOUT IT. she’s absolutely insane and she can fucking chill. everything is okay. everything is fine. youve done everything she ever could have asked — it just sucks to taint your reputation with 3 days left. but everything is absolutely okay. she still adores you. youve literally gone so above and beyond everything its insane. two more days after today. just hold on for two more days. keep your head up — do the best you can. andy called you “awesome” and “nice” yesterday, and thats pretty cool. john can go fuck himself. youve done such a good job under so much pressure, and youre going to finish strong. at least this isnt the last day and youre feeling uneasy about all the work youve put in. youll redeem yourself and she’ll forget today ever happened. youre totally okay. you are fine. you are okay. you can breathe. you dont have to talk things out with her. you were vague on the phone. everything is okay. and also fuck her bc Arlo could have been hurt running errands. she should be the one feeling bad. she does not control you. she could never say anything bad about you. she loves you so much — youve been so good to the family. just relax. just stay calm. let it go.
BREATHE IT OUT. IN. OUT. IN. OUT. FORGET ABOUT IT. THERES NO SENSE IN WORRYING. YOUVE DONE NOTHING WRONG.
youre just exhausted and ready to close this chapter. this has been great money and its allowed you to buy anything youve wanted over the past 6 months — when will you have that again? you wont. cherish that. it was fun.
and its almost over. and youre gonna be just fine. youre totally okay. youre secure. youre stable. youre strong. and youre okay. breathe.
let it the FUCK go.
and youll handle it, you know?
youll handle it.
bc youre strong, my dude.
and you have good people around you.
and you know what?
youre going to get through this.
you can breathe.
just take a deep breath
and shut off the light inside your head.
let your mind rest.
blow your breath out hard
force it out
release that anxiety
put it into the air and
never give it a second thought.
dont cry, rae.
you will get through this.
youre so okay.
my insides are dull,
not empty — charred.
still present, but lost under
the rubble of my mind.
i feel like im lost; i feel like im floating.
i spend a lot of time crying.
cancers crave the guidance
of a role model —
but i am my own role model.