HERES THE DEAL. IM A SIZE SIX RIGHT NOW AND YEAH, I COULD BE A SIZE FOUR IF I TRIED, BUT I DONT BC I LIKE EATING WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT. MY TEETH ARENT STRAIGHT AND MY EYES ARE HOODED AND MY FEET ARE WIDE AND MY HANDS ARE MANLY AND MY NAILS ARE TINY AND DROOPY SHOULDERS AND I DONT HAVE A JAWLINE AND MY BOOBS DONT EXIST. AND THERE ARE A LOT OF GIRLS OUT THERE WHO ARE A HELL OF A LOT PRETTIER AND A HELL OF A LOT HOTTER THAN I AM. AND GUYS DONT CHASE ME LIKE THEY CHASE THOSE GIRLS. AND THOSE THINGS HAVE BOTHERED ME AND TORN ME APART FOR ALMOST 20 YEARS AND IM SO. FUCKING. SICK OF IT. IVE BEEN A SIZE TWO AND HATED MYSELF, AND NOW IM LOOKING BACK WONDERING HOW I EVER COULD HAVE HATED MYSELF. IM NOT GOING TO TURN 25 AND LOOK BACK AT 20 YEAR OLD SELF AND HATE MYSELF FOR HATING MYSELF NOW. THIS IS MY YOUTH AND THERE ARE A HELL OF A LOT OF GIRLS OUT THERE WHO ARE UGLIER AND I HAVE SHINY HAIR AND PRETTY EYES AND A CUTE NOSE AND A HUGE BUTT. AND I NEED TO GET CONFIDENCE AND FORGET ABOUT SIZE FOUR AND BE FUCKING HAPPY. SO JUST YOU WAIT. IM GONNA BE SO CONFIDENT AND SO OBLIVIOUSLY HAPPY ITS GONNA BLOW YOUR FUCKING MIND. I need to love my personality again and build it up and make it huge and bold like the person i really am and know who i am and what i want so i can drown people in it.
Sometimes I lay in my bed in the dark and I just…wait…for hands to grab me. Big hands. Strong, forceful, confident hands. Green, maybe – but not like the Hulk, that’s lame and youre lame for picturing that. I don’t know where theyd take me, but i’m never scared. I trust them. I want to be dragged from my life like a rag doll and wrenched from my bed. I want to feel their fingers grip me and lock onto my sides. I want to see where they want to take me, and i dont want to think about anything. I dont want to think. I want to give in and surrender my working gears to something secure and stable. I’m not sure I’d want to be put down. Sometimes I wish they would lift me up and take me away. I’m just waiting.
The hardest thing ive ever had to do was watch the guy i love with another girl. Every tweet every favorite every instagram digs a hole deeper into my already broken heart. Ive been trying to heal and forget, but i cant, because i love him and i lost him and he has her now. Shes nothing special – i know im better, but it still hurts. The hardest thing ive ever had to do was watch the guy i love with another girl, and the hardest thing im going to do is stop looking for the tweets and the favorites and the instagrams because im going to stop caring. I dont love him anymore. I love the idea of him and i love being sad. Im okay, but this is the hardest thing ive ever had to do.