Well. So. Im not sure. Ive been spending a lot of time with doctors who are trying to figure me out and they know i have some sort of mental illness but theyre not sure if its schizophrenia or bipolar or multiple personality but bottom line is im different and my brain is a scary place. And i think differently and i dont understand anyone else and i know thats like a typical teen thing to say and this is all so typical people endure this every day but i genuinely hate most people bc theyre too stupid for me to level w them. Their actions and their motives dont even register to me bc im so far up my own ass trying to sort through why my brain is trying to kill me. Idk. So its a slap to the people of society who post selfies and post their lives on social media “youre all so fascinating” bc youre not. Ive met very few truly fascinating people. Bc people are shallow and mean and dont have much to them. But man i have a whole fucking world inside my head and i have a life to live and people have no fucking clue what its like to actually think and actually idk live. And im at my fucking breaking point and i dont care if im a bitch anymore bc i dont care if im seen as nice or classy or whatever bc im just going to confidently live the way i want to. So if i wanna post a wispy nude of me making fun of people who post nudes or selfies or whatever then fuck it i literally dont give a shit. I dont give a shit about anything or anyone but i have so much passion and love and insight into the things i do love. Idk. Im not sure what it means. I just know that usually i dont post what i want to post bc im walking the line of whats socially acceptable and this was my first insta where i didnt overthink or over filter i just posted it bc i liked it and it fit my mood in that moment. And my mood changes so rapidly i cant even catch it but i did. Here. There. There it was. But on top of all of that why did i post it? Why do i care? Idk bc i stopped instagramming for months bc i hate ppl who instagram but i wanna put myself out there bc im pretty Fucking amazing and people should get to see that. So maybe they can be less dense and less stupid and grow up a little. Im just tired and i feel separated and isolated and im over it all im so over all of this bullshit and im only 20. Jesus its gonna be a long go of it if im ALREADY OVER IT ALL. So. No. I cant explain bc i dont know what it means

I stand for and against technology. I stand for those who are fighting to be themselves. I stand for individuality. I stand against people forcing me to be something. I stand against authority. I stand for self expression. I stand for human stories. I stand for me and the strength in beautiful people. I stand for making a change and impacting people.

Mom and Drove up last night. I finally got sick enough that mom drove up here at 1AM. I felt so bad they had to put their lives on hold for me and that they slept on our awful couches but seeing them and having them here made it okay. Today and last night i was safe and okay and nothing could hurt me. And thats so special. I felt like a kid again and it’s exactly what i needed to get away. I love them both so much and im so lucky. I walked out of my front door and looked at the driveway and saw dads car and then i saw dad standing there and i just burst more into tears if thats even possible and ran to him saying thank you for coming and i hugged him as hard as i could. And i was safe and i was okay and nothing else mattered. And then i went to hug mom and i sank right into her and nothing could hurt me, not even my own brain. Today was i think one of the hardest days of my life, but here i am. Ive never felt so sick or detached from everything, including myself. I cant sleep or eat and its killing me. I love marc my psychiatrist and he gave me anxiety pills and im so excited to have them. What if they help? What if i can relax? I cant even imagine. Shannon left me smart food and that cool new water bottle ive been wanting literally the exact one idk how she found it and ginger ale and buncha crunch and the nicest note. And brenna and lucy got donuts and we just sat and talked. It was a hard day but i was loved every second and I never want to forget that.

MON

wide awake at night

less anxiety over triggers

TUES

napped for the first time

no fomo

headache at night

WED

headache before bed

cant fall asleep

THURS

epic shower of happiness

terrible headache before bed

cant fall asleep

FRI

almost threw up in morning

woke up to anxiety

no appetite

shakey

no anxiety throughout stressful day

wide awake at night

SAT

almost threw up in morning

no appetite

hyper then drained

wide awake at night

anxiety at night

SUN

woke up w bad anxiety

headache

sensitive to light

are we doing okay
i dont wanna fuck this up
i cant fuck this up
i wont fuck this up
i can do this
fuck you dave
i will be good at this
im okay
whats wrong
my heart is racing
damnit
damnit
i cant do this
i dont want to do this
i cant
im okay
wish i could sleep
im okay
im stuck

Im scared. Im so scared. And it took me rambling high to realize it. Im not myself on medication. Im not myself when im depressed. When am i me? Will i ever get better? If depression and anxiety arent situational then im stuck with it forever. What a curse. What a sick, twisted, fucked up thing. I remember when it was just body image problems and a wish for anorexia. How lucky i was. Ive always wanted to be sick and pitied. Always. Bc im seen as stronger if im “overcoming” things. Its sick. And i know that. But i dont need to make anything up bc what im overcoming is deadly and drowning and debilitating and wrong and unfair and suffocating and stupid. And i might never get out. And maybe i did it to myself. We’ll call it karma. Fine. But can i do this? Do i want to? I “run on a lower frequency” and im so scared bc i might never be normal or where i imagined myself to be with a husband and kiddo w white washed walls. Im so scared i cant function. Im so scared i cant calm my heart down and my foot wont stop tapping and i cant sleep. My ears are ringing. I cNt see [edit: I can’t see]