my brain resets when he kisses me thats fine right

https://open.spotify.com/track/4x6aawsLyPkF3aGPXGvbat?si=B12mzGrrQIGqeGIgFMsRDg

https://open.spotify.com/track/5WykJXLt6kErpSL8uKutpl?si=hkDhkqEpRYyKbONb12vfxQ

short,

shallow

breaths\\

heart

pounding\\

heart

racing\\

ticking\\

counting

the minutes

i should be

dreaming,

but no.

instead,

my heart

is drumming\\

marching me

deeper with

every beat

into the

stickiness

of anxiety.

\\\

my therapist still hasnt responded lmao honestly i hope he did ghost me bc thats hilarious

\\\

but also, fuck, like — what if my therapist ghosted me?

\\\

still funny

open.spotify.com/track/4LHJmwqTJmECv7Z2tpY7V9

hey hey hey,

woah —

no.

absolutely not.

calm down.

just sit

and

calm down

for a second —

your new psychiatrist

is awesome. youre

in good hands.

youre okay.

it went

well.

youre on

the right track —

she said be good to

yourself bc youre still

healing from a massive

uprooting — be good

yourself, dammit.

hey. homie.

breathe.

just breathe.

okay. hey.

keep

working

through it —

you have

an interview

tomorrow, and

you kill interviews.

you fucking kill them!

youre gonna be

just fine —

it either works

out or it doesnt, and

freaking out about

it will literally

only have

negative

effects

so

fucking

chill out, dude.

chill out.

youre okay.

are you nervous

about the interview

or are you nervous you

might actually get

the job?

ugh.

you can

do

this.

change

is good!!

this change

will be good. trust

yourself. fucking trust

yourself. when did

you stop trusting

yourself? //

youre

doing great,

kid, even

when

its

hard. and

it is hard. and

thats a-okay.

youre ok.

oorah.

sometimes

saroquel

doesnt

knock

me

out. and

sometimes

melatonin is

no help, either.

and its rlly fcked

up bc, seriously,

how on earth

am i still

awake

after 100mg

of saroquel and

10mg of melatonin,

like, that should

take down

a bear.

but,

no.

im awake.

again. but its

worse than just

being awake

bc the

saroquel

kinda, like,

paralyzes me

so i can

still

think

but i cant

really move

and sometimes

i cant tell whether

im awake or asleep so

i basically start

hallucinating

which is

not fun

at all

and

its not

restorative

in the slightest

bc im not actually

asleep and its all just

entirely stupid.

and im very

much

over

it.

//

ily brain

but i

dont ily

tonite

ok i smile at everyone i make eye contact w at the gym — i dont understand why everyone walks around looking all pissed off. like, chill. we get it. youre v v v macho. youre not insecure at all. cool cool cool.

and i swear that more often than not, when i smile at a woman who’s about my age, she immediately looks me up and down or looks at my monitor or literally raises an eyebrow at me. and im like ???? what the fuck ??? why is everyone so hostile and instinctively judgmental??? its a smile??? if we were drunk in a bathroom at a bar we’d be best friends by now???

idk, man. i dont understand women. i dont understand why women are so reflexively mean to other women.

i mean, i dont understand men either, but at least they smile back a lot of the time. and not in a creepy way, either — its just a smile.

its just a smile, jesus.

be a person.

and also seriously if you dont get your bigoted full face of makeup, nike roshe-wearing ass out of my face while im running i swear to god i’ll fucking trip you

and ill smile as i do it.

be a person.