https://decider.com/2019/01/29/anna-delvely-series-shonda-rhimes-lena-dunham/

“im so into this,” i text vic lazily. my legs are taught with my feet firmly planted against the cool, wet tile walls — the pressure feels good in my legs. my toenails are chipped but bright blue.

my spine tweaks as my bones roll over the bottom of the tub when i lay back against the headrest.

i’m such a typical young person texting that to my best friend from the tub in the afternoon. everyone’s on their phones all the time — that’s just how it is. i’m excited for my new phone.

alright, time to get out.

i bend my knees and somewhat begrudgingly curl my toes under the drain to release the suction — it doesn’t work if you just push down on it like you’re supposed to; you have to break the seal and then push down.

i lay back as the belly starts to drain. i’m ready to get out and eat some food. i run my hands down my torso and grab onto my bony, bruised hips. i slowly curve my spine and rake my eyes down the sight of my excavated gut and —

ow, my back. what’s that bump? it feels raw but like its on the inside? and on the outside, too, i guess.

i sit the rest of the way up and, in one swift motion, i stand from the water. before i stick my foot out, i notice my pen lying on the bath mat

i don’t know if bending down to pick this up with my hand will keep it any more dry than just stepping over it, but — oh, yeah that was pretty dry. there were only like two drops —

i stand up and set my pen on the toilet as i step up and over the bath wall.

i catch my eye harshly in the mirror — i stood up pretty quickly. i’ve been getting really lightheaded — i’d better—

okay, yep. lightheaded. dizzy. focusing focusing focusing. grabbing the sink. digging. fuzzy. dizzy.

are my eyes opening and closing? my eyes are opening and closing. im thrashing — i can’t control my arms or my legs. this is happening. this is happening. am i having a seizure? no. i passed out. you’re on the floor. my leg is bruised. you’re stable because you’re on the floor. this is happening. focus. bring it back. call victoria. call. don’t call. call. call and breathe. control. focus. you’re okay. you’re safe. breathe. get all that bad air out.

youre not an asshole. youre a very caring and loving person, and you know how it feels to be tossed to the curb. you dont do that to people. no. you were literally raised better than that.

respect your mom by respecting people.

talk to barry. talk to ethan. dont ghost people. dont intentionally hurt people. dont.

youre better than that.

youre a better person

todays the day!

i took my oil and will get a huge egg sandwich when i want it today. and bone broth!!

i feel so happy.

everything is working out.

im here, and im so happy to be here. it took a few more months than i thought/hoped, but i think it makes a lot of sense why it happened the way it did.

and now, here i am.

taking a bath in my LA apartment i share with my best friend // songs from the festival we’re going to see next month playing through my speaker // summer spongeing through the windows

im 131 pounds and getting in shape!!! im so stoked to get back in the gym and get this body healthy and where i want to be!

i have two jobs with bosses who love me and are supporting me (for the most part)!

im getting two days off again instead of NONE so i can DO THINGS instead of WORK and GET SICK

shannons coming in two weEKS!!!

aaand men are merely onlookers.

things are coming together. finally, jesus. everything is falling into place. no strife. no congestion. and im going to enjoy the fucking shit out of it, bc who the hell knows what’s coming next.

moving forward, im going to APPRECIATE EACH AND EVERY DAY bc i have no real worries in the world and im young and i havent fucked anything up that matters. and thats a really fucking fresh and positive place to be.

to feel full to the brim im going to focus on:

getting fit. brewery hunting. money saving. recipe/food trying. crystal wrapping. show seeing. people meeting.

not running. not starving — enjoying every day.

this is a mess of my mind but man am i entering a new period of growth

“you must be out here trying to be an actor, right?”

“no, im a writer”

“did you just start here full time?”

“ive been here for four months.”

101.4. i couldnt use my hands. i feel tiny. im bruising.

youre okay.

stop dwelling on it.

stay low and slow.

push now and have what you want

whoa whoa whoa —

what is this place?

where are we?

youre okay.

howd we get here?

youre okay.

breathe.

deeply. slowly.

there you go,

nice!

now we can think.

youre completely,

totally okay.

you can let yourself fall asleep.

is it the caffeine? is it bc im so physically hungry? is it bc im so exhausted i cant unwind?

taylor is fine. liwei and david are fine. breathe. let that go. it was absolutely nothing, and you know that. stop. you know that. youre okay.

who gives a fuck about brendan? what? thank u, next?

arlo will be fine tomorrow. you have the money.

ah, money.

you looked at the date.

okay! sweet. tomorrow, no matter what, you’re finishing the loan thing. and it will be with enough time. and everything will be fine. you can call and talk to them — you can poke a loop hole if you have to. stop. hey. stop. breathe. bring it back down. come down. slow down. hey. youre okay. it will work out. everything will work out! keep breathing. do the loan thing tomorrow, and it will be okay. everything is okay. you’re so. close. to having money and not having to worry.

two weeks. push through the next two weeks, and you’ll be free from this constant, bleeding pressure in your chest.

maybe that’s why your back hurts so much

everything so far has led me here,

and now i start.

now it begins.

now it matters.

now i’m equipped.

still learning, of course and always,

but i feel like this is a turning point for me.

i’ve been trekking up this fucking mountain since fucking sophomore year of college (2016) (v. 2019) (2018 was an amazing, amazing year, but i hadn’t broken through yet. i was stagnant and clouded and not ready to start).

and i’m free.

i’m. fucking. free.

i’m me again. i’m unapologetically me.

i’m me and i’ve been through shit.

i’m me and i’m stronger. than. ever.

i’m true to myself, and i’m excited for the future.

fuck yeah, man.

i’m gonna get a job and start my life.

im finally doing it.

i’m achieving how i want to look.

i dont give a fuck about anything else in the world — i’m hurling myself into everything i want to bE AS WE SPEAK ANd i’ll do anything to get there.

i’m untouchable. even if i slip up — ITS OKAY TO SLIP UP. DON’T BE TERRIFIED OF SLIPPING UP. YOU’RE ALREADY FURTHER THAN YOU’VE BEEN IN 5 YEARS — i’ll get right back on track. this is everything to me right now. i’m going to fucking look like the way i’ve always felt. i’m going to be me.

i’m retracing myself. people will finally see what i’ve felt like deep down and what i’ve desperately wanted to show them.

im not holding myself back anymore bc i no longer adhere to any previous misconceptions noted about me. i’m different. i’ve grown. i’m re-writing my image — FINALLY to fit what i’ve always, always wanted it to be.

this is what i want. this is genuinely what i need to be whole and happy and true to myself right now — i’m sure (i hope) that’ll change, but for now — dude, fucking embrace it! you can make the difference. you can feel good.

who cares if you know you’ll get fat again one day?? wouldnt you rather have skinny years too!? fucking stop thinking about brand continuity and live your FUCKING LIKE, MAN. breathe.

breathe.

youre holding your breath, breathe.

let it go. let all the apprehension go. let the self doubt go. let the wandering feelings go. let it all go bc that’s all serving the person you dont want to be — the person you’ve been serving most of the last few years. the person who isnt you.

dude, you have values and interests and a personality that adhere to a certain look and feeling a certain way and, um, i dont give a fuck and i need to honor those.

i’m not scared anymore. i can be what i want to be. i can do this!! all the sacrifices will be/are worth it. every single one. nothing else even comes close to comparing to me feeling like myself and feeling good and feeling confident.

eventually, youll get fat again, bc food is good. and thats cool! that happens!!! whatever!!! life is in flux. thatll just be a time when letting loose and eating such good food is more important. and thats totally cool. i guess thats what i’ve valued more these last few years, and i had such an awesome time and i wouldnt change those years bc i was in the fucking trenches of learning about myself, but now im in a new place — a place of ambition. a place of wanting to flex. a place of seeing what i can have and chasing it down with every fiber in my being.

life is in flux. and now i have the fire burning behind my eyes to paint the picture i’ve always wanted to paint but been too scared to or haven’t wanted/valued enough — at 22, just starting to live in LA.

the perfect. fucking. time.

oorah.