i just passed out on the bathroom floor and now i can literally only go up from here!! :)

https://decider.com/2019/01/29/anna-delvely-series-shonda-rhimes-lena-dunham/

im so into this,” i text vic lazily. my legs are taught with my feet firmly planted against the cool, wet tile walls — the pressure feels good in my legs. my toenails are chipped but bright blue.

my spine tweaks as my bones roll over the bottom of the tub when i lay back against the headrest.

i’m such a typical young person texting that to my best friend from the tub in the afternoon. everyone’s on their phones all the time — that’s just how it is. i’m excited for my new phone.

alright, time to get out.

i bend my knees and somewhat begrudgingly curl my toes under the drain to release the suction — it doesn’t work if you just push down on it like you’re supposed to; you have to break the seal and then push down.

i lay back as the belly starts to drain. i’m ready to get out and eat some food. i run my hands down my torso and grab onto my bony, bruised hips. i slowly curve my spine and rake my eyes down the sight of my excavated gut and —

ow, my back. what’s that bump? it feels raw but like its on the inside? and on the outside, too, i guess.

i sit the rest of the way up and, in one swift motion, i stand from the water. before i stick my foot out, i notice my pen lying on the bath mat

i don’t know if bending down to pick this up with my hand will keep it any more dry than just stepping over it, but — oh, yeah that was pretty dry. there were only like two drops —

i stand up and set my pen on the toilet as i step up and over the bath wall.

i catch my eye harshly in the mirror — i stood up pretty quickly. i’ve been getting really lightheaded — i’d better—

okay, yep. lightheaded. dizzy. focusing focusing focusing. grabbing the sink. digging. fuzzy. dizzy.

are my eyes opening and closing? my eyes are opening and closing. im thrashing — i can’t control my arms or my legs. this is happening. this is happening. am i having a seizure? no. i passed out. you’re on the floor. my leg is bruised. you’re stable because you’re on the floor. this is happening. focus. bring it back. call victoria. call. don’t call. call. call and breathe. control. focus. you’re okay. you’re safe. breathe. get all that bad air out.

i just passed out on the bathroom floor and now i can literally only go up from here!! :)

self check

youre not an asshole. youre a very caring and loving person, and you know how it feels to be tossed to the curb. you dont do that to people. no. you were literally raised better than that.

respect your mom by respecting people.

talk to barry. talk to ethan. dont ghost people. dont intentionally hurt people. dont.

youre better than that.

youre a better person

self check

things are starting

todays the day!

i took my oil and will get a huge egg sandwich when i want it today. and bone broth!!

i feel so happy.

everything is working out.

im here, and im so happy to be here. it took a few more months than i thought/hoped, but i think it makes a lot of sense why it happened the way it did.

and now, here i am.

taking a bath in my LA apartment i share with my best friend // songs from the festival we’re going to see next month playing through my speaker // summer spongeing through the windows

im 131 pounds and getting in shape!!! im so stoked to get back in the gym and get this body healthy and where i want to be!

i have two jobs with bosses who love me and are supporting me (for the most part)!

im getting two days off again instead of NONE so i can DO THINGS instead of WORK and GET SICK

shannons coming in two weEKS!!!

aaand men are merely onlookers.

things are coming together. finally, jesus. everything is falling into place. no strife. no congestion. and im going to enjoy the fucking shit out of it, bc who the hell knows what’s coming next.

moving forward, im going to APPRECIATE EACH AND EVERY DAY bc i have no real worries in the world and im young and i havent fucked anything up that matters. and thats a really fucking fresh and positive place to be.

to feel full to the brim im going to focus on:

getting fit. brewery hunting. money saving. recipe/food trying. crystal wrapping. show seeing. people meeting.

not running. not starving — enjoying every day.

this is a mess of my mind but man am i entering a new period of growth

things are starting

“you must be out here trying to be an actor, right?”

“no, im a writer”

“did you just start here full time?”

“ive been here for four months.”