tonight katie said crystal is intimidated by me bc she thinks im too cool. 

im intimited by her, though, bc shes SO cool and she’d never take the time to be my friend — she has so many. 

katie also said mollie and them were saying theyre excited to see me. 

gabrielle also texted me. 

high school me wasnt scared at all to walk at graduation after a semester off — where did that confidence go? 

im not confident in my fashion anymore. i just feel fat and ugly. im no longer confident in my looks. 

am i an outcast bc i isolate myself from people bc of an irrational fear i have that everyone is judging me whereas people actually like me and dont reach out bc i run away from people? or am i outcasted and rejected and forgotten by ppl over time bc im ugly and low energy and not as interesting as i seem. 

do people get bored? do i talk a big talk and look a certain way but when you get to know me im boring and quiet and a people pleaser?

why do i have this theme of losing people/not letting myself have people?

and why do i hate nm so much lmao?

i need to meet lots of people and not decide to be friends w some ppl and not others maybe. i came to college and picked and chose ppl and look how that worked out — i ended up alone. mom says i have to let things happen and go out and let people come to me. 

im confused and lonely. 

im not sure i believe he exists anymore. 

i dont doubt that ill find someone, but maybe ive come to the realization/conclusion that no matter who i end up with he’ll have baggage/not be perfect. 

or do i still think itll happen? do i still believe he’s out there?

god, i hope he is. 

im not sure who he is, but im really excited to meet him. 

im so excited. 

1. rowing

2. merciad

3. kinda PRSSA

4. laker leaders

5. SAC

6. parkhurst

7. luke

8. marketing dept

its 3:59AM and im wide awake 

i got out of class at 2:45PM and have been in bed and alone ever since

i finally got my work done for my marketing internship, though, which is cool. and i finished a paper. 

im not sure why i cant sleep. i couldnt nap either even though i didnt sleep much last night. 

my eating is pretty out of control. its only going to get worse now that ill never be in the laker. smoking to pass the time doesnt help either bc the munchies are hella real

im thankful im not experiencing depression right now bc today would have been really hard if i was. today was still pretty hard, but it would have been really, really hard. 

luckily, theres a light at the end of the tunnel and im gonna be just fine. its gonna be such a pain to move out of this house. 

get ready to be super sentimental. im nervous ive ruined graduation day for myself, and im kinda bummed about that bc i was really excited for it. we’ll see, though. i have time. 

im not going to wake up to 700 emails anymore. no ones gonna know what i do all day and no ones gonna care. im feeling pretty hollow. 

i thought katie would be alone all day but she seems to be just fine. i thought djorjie was leaving for serbia and leah would be alone all day but he hasnt left yet. turns out, its me. even kevin does things every once in a while. man, i fucked up. how is JJ okay w this lifestyle?

oh well – its making me stronger, right?

what IS a “typical” “college” “day” look like anyway? i think a lot of people do their own thing and i dont judge them. 

STOP THINKING PPL ARE JUDGING YOU HOLY SHIT YOURE SO INSECURE. GROW THE FUCK UP. PLEASE. 

im still wide awake. good thing i dont have classes on fridays rn. 

i couldnt fall asleep bc i had so much anxiety about being alone this afternoon. 

i just told Jonah im done with SAC. 

🙂

i cling to social media bc i crave something -anything – to distract me from myself. 

i go back and forth between wishing my mind would shut the fuck up for one minute and wanting to figure all my shit out so i can help myself. 

i compare myself to everyone on social media even though last year i literally wrote like 22 pages about how its not healthy or fair to yourself to do that.

im leaving mercyhurst. finally. after everything and everyone, im leaving. 

im not sure what the future holds, but im going to figure it the fuck out. 

i hope i can find a job w cool people my age who are looking for friends. id cry if i found that. 

im legit so sick of having problems. im so sick of feeling like i dont have any friends. im so sick of feeling like a failure when im alone. 

fortunately and probably unfortunately, i think im going to be just fine when i find my husband. jesus, i hope he doesnt die before i do. when im with even just one person i love, im happy. i feel content. i feel successful. i feel wanted and safe and secure and whole. and maybe thats how everyone feels im not sure. 

im falling asleep. im skipping Burkes class for the first time this semester bc im so far ahead. i do like his class, though. 

ah, yes. anxiety. my old friend. i always forget how bad it is

“you need to let things happen. you cant conduct everything. good things will happen – things you didnt plan or even see coming – you just have to let them.”

i think she was telling me to stop making decisions based on other people, stop selling yourself short (bc people really like you), stop whittling down your number of friends – you have to put up with some people, stop rushing things – youre a few steps ahead of yourself/things and you need to just let things occur. 

man, im gonna be so lost without her someday. 

and i feel more alone knowing people dont need me. 

you know?

or maybe they do but they dont ask – i do that all the time. i need someone/people/anyone, but i dont ask. i dont reach out to people. something makes me think that people really dont need me, though. 

it’s 2:36PM, and ive yet to get out of bed. 

i’ll remind you that im not experiencing depression, though. im really not – i know when i am. i just have no reason and no motivation to get out of bed if i dont have work or class.

do i not have a thick skin? i guess not. ive always been sensitive and proud of that sensitivity, but i guess i also thought i had a thick skin. i guess it doesnt work like that. 

i think im just really good at making myself miserable. 

i want to get into trail running. and i want to learn how to cook things. and i want to build a life for myself that i enjoy. i want to get away from people who doubt me or dont like me and i want to find those who believe in me. 

i think i need to grow up. everyone else seems to be able to follow their interests and be stable in themselves and have a group of friends. WHY CANT I?