theres nothing you have to do tomorrow.

try to go to the post office. try to open snaps. try to respond to snaps. try to text ali. try to go to the joint meeting or try to text kevan you cant make it. try to text anton. try to shower. try to shave. try to apply to a job. try to wrap. try to brush your teeth.

you dont have to work!

try to finish mom’s present. try to go to target. try to call goodwill. try to count daily calories. try to do the food quiz. try to figure out loans. try to pay rent. try to call mom. try to email gaga back. try to run.

try to breathe.

try to keep going.

try to aim for an empty to do list.

try to fight apathy.

try not to think of exes.

try not to eat unhealthy.

try to calm down.

try to remain positive and create positivity.

just try.

but theres no pressure — you dont have to do anything tomorrow.

you just have to try.

whats wrong?

breathe deep — feel it.

let it fill you up.

youre okay.

youre okay.

whats wrong?

pay bills today.

you dont have to go to the meeting tomorrow.

everything is okay!

everything is totally okay.

youre doing great.

keep doing it.

we all think our thoughts and feelings are so big

we’re all narcissists

but also so small (deem them childish; lame; unimportant when they are important)

i feel open today.

not open like i want to share my feelings —

open like i breathe air in through my nose and instead of filling me up it dumps out of the gaping tear running up my gut.

air

blood

organs falling out of my cavity —

out of the gaping tear.

out of my person.

im a person.

why dont i feel like it?

hey.

youre okay.

tears bounding down my cheeks —

im not sad,

just tired.

so tired.

drained, actually —

and my head is pounding.

well, drink more water.

well, drink any water ever.

nausea stirring at the base of my throat

and in the pit of my stomach.

why am i nervous?

what has me in knots?

youre okay.

david is fine.

victoria is fine.

everyone is tired tonight.

keep breathing

and the nausea will pass.

settle down

breathe

calm down

sleep will help

life is messy

i hate messy

im back on the pen.

fuck.

i missed you more intensely than i ever have today. for a few minutes

memories.

i know im fine.

why am i playing this character?

the pen.

im so dramatic, internal, dark, self-pitying.

the pen.

ugh, fuck.

but i dont want to be in control right now.

was i feeling too in control for the past few weeks? is that even a thing?

yeah, totally.

i need to let the monkey out.

but, for me, the monkey is this dark piece —

this demon.

just coming out to play.

does the depression come before or after the pen?

fuck.

im lower than i thought.

i sleep as long as i can. i dont care to move forward.

fuck, ive been here before.

i get lost. i get lost in not caring. i dont want to be in control bc its so. fucking. hard. all the time. to be in control. its so hard. im so tired.

but right now im coasting.

i want to hit a bottom — not the bottom, but a bottom. a low. i want to find it. i want to bask in it. i want to focus on being beautiful. i want to feel the pain in every pore. i want to be hopelessly immersed in feeling the rawness.

ill find my way out. when i want to.