I’ve been sick to my stomach for two days because tim and i have been talking back and forth a lot and we made each other playlists and it makes my heart hurt. Im physically sick again and i remember the pain and the desolate aloneness and the want to be loved. He snapchats me and i dont sink into his eyes or stare at his face like i used to. I tell myself i want to be his again, but i dont think i do. I want to be loved by someone, but not necessarily him. I think im finally strong.
Here’s the thing. I’ve always tried really hard to be peppy and cheery and loud and talkative and loving and thats all great. There are people out there who are truly like that and damn do i admire those people. While i do like being talkative and loud and seeing natures beauty and taking in life in one big breath with a smiling heart, thats just not my default setting. I run on a lower, sadder, more judgmental, more critical, darker level. I spend a lot of time in my head and im always thinking. I have trouble letting go and i like doing my own thing – i really hate when people dictate my time and i dont have a way out. I feel trapped. I like spending a lot of time in bed in the dark without my phone because its stress free and it helps me sort through my thoughts and anxiety. I cry a lot at stupid things and i feel emotion so deeply. Im incredibly sensitive and dont take criticism well, and i hold a grudge, too. I get into pissy moods where i shut down, and i naturally think im better than people in some way or another. I find myself ripping people apart in my head a lot and its satisfying, but i hate myself for it. Im super empathetic, but not because im a nice person, because im selfish and im always putting myself in other peoples shoes so i can treat someone in some way that will later benefit me. Thats just how i am, cynical and intuitive and always, always thinking three steps ahead. I base my self esteem and my self worth on how skinny i am that day, but i refuse to do anything to help myself lose weight. I dont have any passions and i dont have many goals other than to get a job and find a husband, but both of those are loose ideas. Maybe ill find someone else whos miserable and we’ll be miserable together. Ive always wanted to be and have seen myself as that girl in the movie with the long hair and the hearty laugh and the thirst for adventure and the carefree spirit who the hot guy falls in love with, but thats just not me. Im a darker shade. I have no desire to travel or go for hikes or pet puppies or try new restaurants. I want to be around and impress people i think are worth my time with my wit and my humor, and then i want to go hide in my room until im satisfied. I wanna be artsy and deep, which, i have the deep part down but i cant seem to get the artsy part right. I need to find an outlet and i need to stand out. I need to get out of this depressing shell. I hope i can be happy one day, but as i get older im not sure thats possible. I think i run on a lower frequency than most people, and i think its a good frequency because it shows me how stupid everyone else is and its very grounding, but at what cost?
And i think it was then – lying in a dark hotel room in Maryland – that i realized i was free. It was that moment i turned off the constant reel of wishes, regrets and hopeful future scenarios that had been playing in the back of my mind for four months. It was that moment i sifted to the bottom of my own fabricated lies only to find not more heartbreak, as I suspected, but rather confidence and a strong heart. I realized that i didnt miss him, nor did i want to be his friend. I found that when his name popped up on snapchat or insta, it didnt spike my heart rate anymore. Sure, i still creeped on him and his new girl, and sure, i still hoped he’d like the insta i posted, but thats because I want him to know that I’m the best he’s ever going to have. For so long I’d been forcing myself to wallow because I thought I’d lost someone so similar to myself and so amazing that I forgot to check myself after removing the rose-colored, delusional glasses of love. It was that night I realized that he’d lost me, and that I didnt lose him. It was that night that i realized with a heart full of hope, brimming with love to be given to my soulmate, that I no longer give a shit about Tim.