i dont know what to do anymore. i just honestly dont know.

im so heartbreakingly lonely and empty all the time it’s physically painful. i wanna cry, but im too empty. im too apathetic – i dont care about anything.

how do other people go through life content w doing whatever it is theyre doing? like, i dont want to go to the stone tonight, but im feeling sick bc everyone else is going out and im the loser staying in. but i would prefer to stay in and do my own thing, and no one is even thinking about what im up to tonight, so why do i care? chill the fuck out. dont be so uptight and concerned. that actually kinda helps. like legit no one is there that id want to see, and im comfy as fuck in my bed watching keeping up w the kardashians. so, literally, i have to be more secure in myself. i need to shape the fuck up and stop feeling sorry for myself.

i drank myself into oblivion last night. i had literally zero inhibitions — not a care in the world.

i think i just wanted to get away from myself for a few hours.

im so sick now, though. drinking is never worth it to me. its such a stupid concept, but i get sucked into it so often.

i need to stop spending money like a crazy person, also.

im literally just plugging along until the end of this Godforsaken semester.

i feel exposed. i feel like wind can whip through my body i’m so empty. i feel open and wounded and bleeding, and i feel like no one can see it. i feel like no one can understand it. i feel like no one tries. i feel invisible. i feel alone. i feel drained and numb. i feel weak. i feel worthless.

i wonder if people would be surprised if i killed myself. i think a lot of people would be.

i know i put on a strong front, and i know people can’t read my mind, but I’m trying. I’m trying to show people that i need more help then I’m ever going to let on.

if i had a knife in my room i would be cutting.

some of my favorite nights were those late ones when we were setting out to work on stuff all night

i was always so tired

i miss it desperately

a chill in the air // darkness cast

moccasins. Circle K.

excitement // buzzing // exhaustion

my feet under your butt. soft music.

frustration // kisses // graphic design

“what color are you?”

i spent almost the entire day in my bed. i only smoked once. i was okay, though. i wasnt too riddled with anxiety. i wanted to make carrie proud of me. i have to keep working on it, definitely, but i think i can finish out these last seven weeks. i think there will be a lot of days when ill think i cant do it, but i think overall im going to make it through this.

i really think this anxiety will be dissolved (absolved??) after i get off this campus. i feel so much on display and im like comparing my every move to everyone elses/what college kids are “supposed to be doing.” idk why, but im pretty sure thats the difference between how im feeling now and how ive always kinda felt. i just gotta feel confident enough in myself to be able to do what i wanna do. i can do my own thing! this place is just fucking toxic and gets in my head.

god i hope i can be better after this. just seven more weeks. RAE. JUST SEVEN MORE WEEKS.