I JUST WANT TO LEAVE. I WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE AND LEAVE THIS PLACE AND THESE PEOPLE BEHIND.
maybe i did it wrong somehow along the way. i have no friends. i basically dont have roommates. i havent learned many new skills. ive learned a lot about who i am and its all terrible.
ive never ever wanted to wish my life away, but i want this year to end already. i want to graduate.
im so sick to my stomach every second of every day bc i feel trapped and stifled and out of place and on display and im miserable.
i wish there was a way i could graduate early.
today, Tobin shared his experience during an internship he had early in his career. he explained how one doctor/mentor told him not to talk during a session and how if you talk then the session becomes your narrative, and its not your narrative. the other doctor/mentor explained the strict protocol of running through specific questions relating to different pockets of life. Tobin illustrated how that year of interning had drove him almost crazy – how having two different viewpoints chirping in his ears was unnerving and confusing. though driven mad, he said he appreciates this year in his life immensely because he was driven, finally, to push both mentors from his headspace. he realized that, in order to be successful and happy in his profession, he had to do what he felt comfortable doing. earlier in class, Tobin explained that skills are only to help you until “you” arrive. meaning, skills are important because they give you a platform and an opportunity to be present. the best thing you can do in life, though, is not only use your contrived skills, but its to “arrive” to the moment.
i havent felt present in a long time. i’ve been relying on skills (subpar ones at that) and listening to the chirping in my ears from those above and around me. and thats my problem. i used to be present and authentic, and i put my opinion above those of anyone else. and while i wasnt happy all the time, i was much more confident and sure of who i am.
i think im going to learn a lot from Tobin.
you will not bat me down
you will not stifle my voice
you will not quiet me.
how dare you try?
tell me –
do you feel stronger
the more unsure of myself
youre a bully.
and im really unsure of myself.
oh, god. my first homework assignment and i already outright basically refuse to do it.
this is going to be a really, really excruciating long year. and im going to SUFFER THE FUCK THROUGH IT.
im miserable help
and for a second i missed you.
fleeting but present –
my love for you
my lust for you
my need for you.
for a second i yearned to be watching Black Mirror next to you / wrapped up in a blanket / you playing with my hair.
for a second i missed our conversations…our seemingly endless laughs…and desperately I wished you were here and that we were talking.
for a second i wanted to cry bc i craved for you to be by my side so intensely.
and then…it passed. and i remembered why we’re not talking / why youre not here. and im okay again. bc its good that we’re not talking and its good youre not here. good for me, anyway. and thats all that matters.
fuck you, tim.
man i have never struggled this badly before.
ive struggled, definitely, but ive always had a firm grasp on who i was.
im not a designer. im not an athlete. im not an artist. im not a successful leader. im not a good judge of character. im not pretty. im not thin. im not good at handling people.
im not confident in anything i do, and im failing miserably at everything i try.
i dropped my graphics class today bc i couldnt hack it. she was running through the syllabus and i just stopped listening bc i knew i couldnt do it.
thats how ive handled everything lately. i havent had the strength or honestly willingness or willpower or whatever it is to try my hand at anything.
im having an identity crisis.
i hate this.
im so uncertain where ive always been certain.
i cry all the time.
DOES EVERYONE FEEL LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME? IS IT JUST ME?
DOES EVERYONE FEEL ALONE AND JUDGED AND SCARED ALL THE TIME?
DOES EVERYONE FEEL LIKE EVERYONE ELSE HAS FRIENDS WHEN THEY DONT?
why am i reverting? shouldnt i be growing?
and just like that, i start senior year tmw.
im really not feeling sentimental – i just want to keep my head down and get through this year.
did i do it wrong? so many people have these big groups of friends and theyre so stoked for senior year and i have like 2 people and im fatter than ive ever been.
different frequencies, i guess.
im back in my head and thinking everyone hates me. i wonder why i do that. its like im back in high school.
im so self conscious rn and, i mean, im sure the extra 20 lbs isnt helping, but im not sure why im so caught up in it. i for the first time in my life am not confident in who i am.
and what a scary place to be.
luckily, i have a year of being safely nuzzled in this familiar place before i launch myself into the world. i have to take advantage of it and use it help me find my footing again.
i think its funny im feeling like a freshman. we get older but we dont really change.
im going into the year with no expectations. people do like me – i have to have confidence in that. i have to breathe and just act the way that feels natural.
get out of your head. try to enjoy this year.
otherwise, youll be miserable. again.
ive never felt ugly before.
which, i guess in 21 years, is pretty good.
but today i cant even look in the mirror.
and its a cripplingly reducing thing.
i dont want to be in my own body,
but there’s no way out.
i legitimately hate being alive today.
i hate it so much.