maybe the love is gone

maybe it was never there

“i need space.”

i want to be skinny

i want a boyfriend

maybe then ill be happy

that’s what i said last time

I dont know pain—

Not like others do.

But my pain still hurts me

As does yours, you.

being hurt feels like when i breathe in, i have holes in my throat and in my heart and my eyes feel prickly and i feel alone and like i wanna crawl up into a ball and cry forever but i cant cuz i hurt too bad and every time i breathe it feels like theres a balloon inside my chest and and its filling up with air and its going to choke me from the inside and i cant breathe. My face gets all prickly and my nose freezes and the canals stiffin and my eyes start spiking and i wanna crawl into the frozen ground and just try to hold myself together. All i can do is try not to move and try to tape the pieces of my being back together and hope that the moment passes. I feel like there are rocks in my heart and its sicking to the bottom of the ocean and i have to try and save it but im bleeding out and im too weak and i cant breathe. Its like youre stuck in a swirl and the epicenter of that swirl is your heart and the swirl pierces your heart and caves it in and sweeps your mind away and consumes you. Its a dead, dull, ripping pain in your stomach, pulsing, and it slowly spreads, killing more and more of your body until youre lifeless and you cant move. A swirl of pain and you cant see the end. Needles force their way into your eye sockets.

self-expression
laughing
staying true
good music
family
God
rough sex
being skinny is better than good food
half-assing busy-work
music impacting mood
working at love
loving work
material things
image
my mom
marriage
sleeping all day
talking to strangers
Diet Coke
speaking my mind
good grammar
schedules
nec & forehead kisses
past selves
no makeup
dark lipstick
contradictions
getting away
good friends
being alone
keeping a journal
“hobbies” – whatever those are
smoking that good kush
working out
practice not ensuring perfection
secrets
change
consistency
white lies
self confidence
knowing your place/league
confidence compensating for a deficit
showing not saying
being polite
liquid confidence
forgetting people
chairs where you cant touch the floor
looks aiding personality
showers in a dark room
loud music
fresh air
formatting
clothes showing individuality
sleeping an extra 5 minutes
a clean room equals a happier self
selfies being stupid
short commutes
trying to be on time but failing
communication is key
being awkward
sweaty hands
college love
being rude to telemarketers
bubble gum
making people laugh
learning from not living in the past
calling mom
sunburn not being worth the tan
picking up frogs
running wherever you want
heart rate monitors
shadows
shaving for yourself…or not
long rope swings
tree rings
puddles
albino animals
foot binding being beautiful
clean sheets
thongs
new razor head day
cold caves
having your passions hit you in the face
creating
pride in work
doing things youre proud of
not working too hard
sleeping in but not napping
small tattoos in black ink
music through headphones
dumb fashion statements
name brands
boys w beards
Dr. Martens
embracing an aesthetic
crying at tv shows
subtitles
college dating is stupid
nothing sometimes