rounds & rounds

wheres the anxiety here

school is good. youre fine.

the bosses understand — the one can go fuck off. the circumstance is totally understandable! no one is mad. alyssa can fucking deal — you werent even mean or anything. scott will get it. youll be cutting back soon anyway. is this where its coming from? omg you are FINE. STOP IT.

youve been so there for mom and gaga.

youre down 1.6 this week!

youre probably going to get the emmaus job. how awesome!!

you can handle this. youre okay. youll get back to running and youll focus on your room on thursday.

everything is okay. its all just topsy turvy right now.

rounds & rounds

kicking stones

stepping stones – working my way to where i want to be

slippery stones – encountering hardships, but a firm step

kick rocks – an anger toward the past; an understanding that i must let it go

kicking stones – pensive thinking, firmness, walking alone, fresh air, light energy, taking time, clearing thoughts, deliberate actions, no place to be, walking in the right direction

kicking stones

thriving & hiding

its been just over a month since i began my fitness journey. i feel great — i think i look relatively better, too.

im so excited that im still on this train. i want it so badly. i want it at my core this time, and im not going to stop until i reach where i want to be. ive never had this fire before. i guess ive never truly wanted it this badly.

i still have a very long way to go. but im not letting it slip from my hands.

work sucks. im finally almost able to stand on my two feet, which is great, but the people pretty much blow, and the income is everything but stable. im frustrated. but the hours allow me time to sleep in and go to the gym, and usually i can talk to mom after my shift. i like those parts a lot. i might send my app for the call center bc money sounds great, but i really do like sleeping and having time to work out. plus my classes start up next week. we’ll see.

i got my IUD yesterday. it was the worst pain i think ive ever really experienced, but now that it has simmered down, im so excited!! i really felt like i had control over my own body, and now i dont have to worry about fucking getting pregnant for FIVE YEARS. im an animal.

i definitely made the right choice to come home. definitely. im so happy at my gym with my car and my family — i dont need to be scared of people. im out of the bubble. jesus, i hated that bubble for the better part of three and a half years. my soul feels free.

i cant say im happy. i mean, i can, but i cant say it and mean it. i think im still figuring a lot out right now, and i wont be able to tell where my mental health is before the dust settles. part of me doesnt want the dust to settle bc im scared to find out.

i havent had time to be lonely. thats new.

leah wants me to come up soon, and that makes me physically buzz in excitement. i think we both realize how much we’d missed each other.

im having anxiety right now and im not sure why. its very dull. muted. but present and pestering and persistent.

work is fine. you ate well today. you had a good workout. your friends are good. your parents are good. youre working on your room. youre not scared of the dentist. breathe. hey, youre okay. deep breaths. stay calm. dont cry. oh god. what is it? why are you crying? aw, rae. youre okay. you need to get back to center. find center. let yourself come back. ease into it. dont think. stop thinking. do you hate serving that much?

im working so damn hard to find myself again. im working so hard. its so hard. i feel depleted. tomorrow ill replenish what the gyno, the railyard, the gym, and cleaning my room took from me. relax. tomorrow will be better.


thriving & hiding

determined & deadly

i dunno, i just have this unwavering urge to be beautiful.

this desire.

this need.

i need it, i tell you. i need this.

i want to be stunning and unique and eye-catching. god dammit, i want the world — i want the whole fucking world.

ive been dormant for two years, and thats not who i am. this isnt who i am. im not chubby. im not hiding behind clothes. im not muting my style and my personality and my essence just bc im too lazy to work out or watch what i eat or wash my face. fuck that. fuck living like that.

im so bright, and i deserve to shine. otherwise, ill never be happy. i cant wait to love my reflection again. and i cant wait to see the look in people’s eyes when they look at me — ive missed it wholeheartedly.

2018 is my year. i swear on my life.

determined & deadly