and for a moment —
i could see it all.
everything
laid out
for me —
blinding —
it all makes
sense! i make
sense! the world —
oh, fuck, the world! —
what a mess! what have
we done to this earth,
oh, my god. earth,
you’re dying!
oh, we’re
killing you!
oh, my god, there’s
so much evil — i can see
evil! rape! racism! technology!
i can see hate! i can see it
all! we’re raping our
earth and each
other —
there’s so
much hate —
oh, my god, there’s
so much evil! technology
is evil! technology is taking us
away from ourselves!
technology is
raping
our
mother —
i can see it all!
and that‘s when i
jumped up into the air
and smashed my phone off
the pavement. that’s when i —
alone, on the side of a busy street in
the valley — Moorpark, maybe? i
can’t remember — without
hesitation cracked my
phone off the
concrete
so
hard
my otterbox
flew into traffic —
and i smiled.
i‘m doing it!
i’m reading the
signs! technology
is evil! we have to kill
it before it kills us — more
than it already is! i — i’m doing
it! this is what i’m meant to do! it —
i make sense! everything makes sense!
my mind was racing faster than it ever
has — so fast i couldnt walk straight
or focus long enough to look
down and try to track
where my phone
went; i felt
alive.
i felt whole.
i could soak up
all of the rich energy
the world — the beautiful,
beautiful world — was feeding
into me — i could feel it all,
and i was whole, until —
okay! okay! now
what? you’ve
figured it
all out!
oh! i —
my god,
i knew we
were meant for
something big! you’ve
figured it out — i can see hate!
i can see where we’re going wrong!
i can steer! i ca— my car. fuck!
oh, fuck. my phone — shit!
fuck! fuck. oh, my god,
what am i — how
am i — fuck! oh,
my god — aw,
where’s — i —
don’t need it! this
is a test! i don’t need
technology! i can talk to
people with my thoughts! i’m
figuring it out and adapting!
because this is what we
do! this is what we
can do — this
is what
we’ve always
been able to do —
but we’re scared! and
no one’s ever done it before!
our brains — they can
do so much more
than we think
they can!
oh,
our
brains!
what a gift
our brains are!
what a gift this life
is! i’m so lucky to have
such a gift — i’m so
lucky for this
life! oh,
we
don’t
need it!
technology!
we don’t need
phones! i’m going
to be okay! we’re all
going to be okay! i
can see hate! i
can see it
all! i —
i —
i c—
i can
see it all!
i can see it!
fuck! fuck. oh,
fuck, i don’t know
how to start. i don’t
know what i have to do —
i can see the end, but
i can’t — i can’t —
i can’t see —
i can’t —
oh,
my god.
oh, my god —
my phone. where’s
my phone? look down.
look down. try to look down.
try to see. come on, rae,
homie — please —
come on. phone.
fuck! fuck.
is it
in the
street? be
careful. those
cars are going fast —
there are so many cars —
with people! they can see me!
they can see i have bipolar
disorder! and they can
see i’m not afraid to
show it! i’m not
scared! i’m
not! and
i can
show people
it’s okay to have
a mental disorder —
ech, my god — i fucking
hate that word! disorder! i
fucking hate that word! we’re
just people! i’m just a person! and
i’m not scared of being seen! and
i can’t find my phone! is it in
the street? don’t go in the
street. don’t. the cars —
my car! he’s right
here! right in
front of
me!
Arlo!
is he still
running? he’s
still running! oh,
no, that’s bad! oh, my
god — my keys! where are
my keys? if i could just
find my — fuck! if i
could just — if i
could just —
think —
fuck!
if i
could —
how am i —
and that’s when
i saw ethan walking
toward me. and
that’s when
i knew i
was
going
to be okay.
//
i write a lot about feeling alone bc it’s really hard to live in a different reality from those around me.
it’s really fucking hard to feel understood by the people who understand me best, but not, like, understood,
i guess.
and it’s partially my fault bc i haven’t sought out a circle of people who can relate to this part of me,
but i will. and even still i might feel really alone,
and that’s okay.
but also it’s not my fault bc brains are a tricky thing, and i didnt choose to have mine wired a little differently.
sometimes i feel really alone bc not one of my loved ones can be in the same place i’m in.
sometimes i feel really alone bc not one of my loved ones can understand fully what place i’m describing —
and sometimes i wonder if that’s why i describe it so much.
and it’s really hard.
but it’s massively important to note that i’m so far from actually being alone —
i have the best support system i could ask for.
the people in my life make me strong, and they keep me safe, and i wouldn’t be able to live the life i lead with the brain i have if it weren’t for them.
and so — yes, i very frequently write about being alone, bc i so often feel that i am.
but i’m lucky enough that i’m never actually alone. i’m never going through any of this alone.
i’m so lucky, and i would never want to paint a picture of myself and my mental health without them in it, bc i would be nowhere without them.
often times my mental health does not feel like a blessing, but, my god, my life so often does.