talk over tea

seriously, stop —

i think between sips

as i edge into bed.

sighing, i stop

swallowing —

english breakfast,

my security blanket;

still strong after steeping

so many times today/

i set down my yeti

and try to relax

as i twist off

not one/

two/

three\

but four

separate bottles

in front of me —

wreckage —

if i keep up the caffeine,

i’ll never fall asleep,

i muse to myself

as i take each

pill with

tea —

//

i

jolt

awake

suddenly —

the last hour

so clearly splayed

out in front of me —

to my horror —

not a detail

forgotten,

expertly/

reeling —

shaking —

rae, breathe —

i remind myself

as i aim to slow the

pools running down

both my cheeks —

i’m a monster,

i think —

no,

i truly believe —

i’m the one dreaming

them! i must be! —

petrified —

biting —

i give

in

and cry

hard over the

reels in my head,

unraveling —

weeping —

i cant

see

a way

out of the

hell i’m keeping

locked up; threads

i cant help but follow,

apparently — i’m

so tired; i just

want to

sleep,

i

sob —

seeping —

saturated —

it’s been a week

of the same theme —

i’m exhausted —

terrorized —

i lie in the

dark,

bleeding —

squandered —

seated closer to

myself than i’d like

anyone to be —

i’m scared —

teeming —

alone —

i pose

the

question

as the answer

prods at me: how

close to the surface

are our dreams,

actually?

talk over tea

lithium

i rest my head

in my hands

as i sit

by

the toilet

for the sixth

consecutive night —

keep breathing;

keep it all

down,

i

think

to myself —

my stomach

lurches

and

i

swallow

hard, strapping

myself in for another

set of seconds

that cant

pass

soon enough —

i cant do

this

again —

i have to

do this again —

i lose focus and am

caught by surprise —

this concoction —

the cocktail

mixed

just

for me —

unconcerned

and unphased by

pleads for my guts to

return to normalcy —

im cornered —

convulsing —

i press my forehead

into my palms; i’m dizzy

and tired of fighting the surges

ripping through my body —

you have to keep it

down; you need

this in your

system —

i sit,

betrayed and alone,

surmising life would be

much more liveable if my

stomach or my brain

listened to me.

//

i lost a week of my life to mania.

i hallucinated through a week of my life, unaware of my surroundings and unable to care for myself.

i have pockets of 30 second memories across an entire week —

i dont remember days of my life.

i asked my family to stop telling me what i did and said bc hearing accounts of my behavior is too painful —

i wasnt myself. or i was too much myself — i dont know.

//

now i have to fight my way through new medications and its a nightly struggle —

in a lot of ways it feels like its killing me.

//

i lost a week of my life to mania.

//

fuck mania.

fuck bipolar disorder.

fuck lithium.

lithium