i havent thought about you in what feels like a long time.

sure, you often pop into my head, but its been a while since i’ve indulged my stream of consciousness and dove into my memories for you, my love for you, my longing for you.

my regret, my pain. my missed opportunities and my misinformed assumptions.

but tonight, i did — briefly in comparison to the hours i’ve spent (not wasted) re-living our laughs and re-walking our path dripping in gold, but i did.

and it took me back.

it took me back to the dinner at Longhorn Steakhouse you took me to because you wanted to give us one last try. i was drunk and in sweatpants bc i didnt think you would show — i was so used to you not showing. so, maybe, you’re to blame, too, bc you waited too long to make an effort. still, though, i regret that night. i think i could’ve won you back had i done things differently.

“do you know what a jaw bone looks like?”

“see, rae, and that’s why i can’t trust you.”

i remember holding back tears as you drove me back to campus. you knew i loved you, and you still twisted the knife. im still bleeding.

God, i was never comfortable around you. i always felt judged and as though you were comparing me to someone else. i was always trying to appear perfect or perfect for you, and i think thats what i resented so much in the end. i cant explain it.

regardless, i miss you. i miss you so much i cant help it. when i think of our rosegold memories, i remember “the good old days” and “the days i was happy.” how twisted my hindsight has become.

im no longer interested in writing about you. in two and a half weeks, youll be out of my life. possibly for good.

youre okay. youre okay. dont cry. tears prickling. eyes heavy. cant see. nose stiffening. tears rolling.

i hadnt really thought about that. i mean, i have, but it was all really cocky and bitter and like “yeah, you stupid animal, im never going to have to fucking see you again” or really self conscious and scared like “thank god i wont have to worry about seeing you.” but never “oh, my god, i might be walking away from my soul mate.”

i tried. i told you i still loved you this summer. i remained your puppy this summer so youd realize how easy/right/better/perfect we’d be.

so i’m not walking away from anything that you havent already burned to the ground and rubbed my face in.

some part of me will always be waiting for you text, though, and i think thats the hardest thing to accept.

alright, let’s do our thing. what’s going on? calm down — let’s be rational here. today was rough, but you did a great job on your counseling project. you got a B on your counseling exam. you figured things out with marketing — she was nice when you went to turn in your test. you’re so fine! plus, you only have to see her 5 more times and then you never have to see her again. you can probably still pull an A in the class. you’re bummed you missed Burke’s class, but it’s okay — you prioritized, and he probably didn’t care. it’s okay. you’re okay. you’re ahead of the game! if it would alleviate stress, then you can message Carlena. but for sure you’re fine. you’ve missed fewer times than most of them. you always email him, so it’s okay that you didn’t this time. things happen! he gets it! he would always fall asleep in undergrad — if anyone understands, it’s him. so you’re good. you had good rhetoric w tobin today, and that’s so special. you said goodbye to Maggie and you saw mom this morning and shannon tonight, and JJ was fun to be around today. so it’s all good! you cracked your phone a little bit, but honestly who cares. you cant worry about that. youre maybe stressing a little bit about money, but itll work its way out. mom will understand, and you can pay her back. so it’s okay. you maybe have a job! and you’re gonna go to a concert with leah soon! and youre gonna be healthy soon! youre so excited. just two more weeks of classes and then you only have, like, one final i think. thats insane — that’s totally insane. i think you just have an ethics exam, and legit who gives a fuck about ethics lmao. you didnt smoke today, which is cool. its so beyond cool and empowering having my very own car on campus. IM SO COOL. youre not even worried about vince. he can fucking die. and cole can, too, bc he straight up did not tell me we had an exam today. whatever. how am i going to get out of the laker leader formal? theres no way im going. that sounds truly dreadful especially bc vince will most likely be there (erin) along with b and l and mm and i cant imagine a worse situation. id literally die. its a bummer a few shitty people have to ruin such a fun thing! oh well, i dont really care. anyway. i think i feel better. right? the buzzing kind of subsided. i think it was burke, but, again, it’s literally all good. ~we good~ you shouldnt have drank that frozen coke, you MORON. BUT SLURPEES ARE SO GOOD I CANT EVEN EXPLAIN IT TO PEOPLE. life is about to get so good, rae, i swear it.

thanksgiving break was incredible, also. i had low hopes bc i never have good breaks, but mom and i took clothes to plato’s closet and walked around K-mart, and i just love that shit after not having seen her in a while. and vic and i went to mindful brewing co and texted our waiter, which was incredibly weird. thanksgiving was really nice bc gaga taught me and my mom how to make stuffing. i ran out of the room and cried when she snapped the turkey leg, but its all good. i was kindof weepy. i drank wine and it was GREAT. and then mom and i went to target (we passed our exit by 9 miles even though our trip was only 5 miles from our house) and just spent some time together, and, again, i love that shit. she did get annoyed w me talking about Yeti, and im still embarrassed and kindof ashamed by that, but thats okay. she gets me even if she doesnt get some of the things im into. then we went to grandma’s and that was really shitty EXCEPT we got yummy pizza hut pizza, i got to see ashley even though i didnt say a single word to her, and the six of us played four square but we, like, made up a version and told stories one word at a time. its one of my favorite memories we’ve all had in a very long time. it was really special. and then i went to kathleens and had a really great talk with her and kathleen and then vic and i blacked the FUCK out at primanti’s. it was awesome except i lost my new man glasses. i have to call. and then we woke up and went to my job interview which was so weird but im really really hoping i get the job bc i think ill be really happy there. then vic and i went to panera and edited her poem about emery, and thats just so special. it was one of my favorite moments bc it was so real, and i love the connection we share over language and poetry. i felt so close to her over this break it made me even more excited about our LA plans in the future. then i went to my fav mexican restaurant in bridgeville and got margs and quesadillas with maggie and kelsey which is like legit a dream of mine. i wish we had better conversation, but i just love love love spending time with them. then i slept for like 10 hours until almost 1PM and then the six of us went and cut down a tree and it was incredible bc my mom was in a bad mood but jay and i pet a chicken and then no one was doing anything so i asked a woman how to do it and we walked up and i found our tree and then i ran to get a saw from a man and then mom and i cut down the tree and then i made sure we got pictures and it was so much fun. it was my favorite christmas memory i think, like, ever. it was moms idea. and then dad and i worked together to get the bumper stickers kelsey left on Arlo, and even little things like that mean so much to me bc dad and i dont have a chance to do things like that all the time. im looking forward to more things like that in the near future. and then that night i went to my first steelers game with shannon, and we got fhucked up in the parking lot on a southern tier variety pack. it was a lot of fun and it was a great experience but im not sure ill ever go to another football game. i think hockey and baseball are more my speed, but i definitely like how unifying and electric sports games are in person. i definitely get it. and then i woke up this morning after 5 hours and was so tired and made a fool of myself emailing prof zacherl but who cares i did a great job on my counseling project and thats what matters in the long run. i definitely want that to go back to and look at especially if i end up going into counseling.

what an incredible break. i was so lucky. i did so much. it was some of my favorite days in such an extraordinarily long time. i was full and happy and so excited to feel a sense of belonging for the first time in a long time. it was filled with almost all of my favorite people, and thats all i seriously want in life. im so excited to go home.

maybe i am an extrovert. i love spending time with people, but also idk bc i need my mf netflix in bed pigging out time. idk i feel like im entering a different phase, and i fucking love it. (also, a note — i barely thought of tim. i wasnt by my phone all the time bc i was so busy, so i wasnt constantly refreshing twitter. i watched one or two of tims stories, and he watched most of mine, and i like it that way. im finally looking forward and finding my footing. one day i wont even have to add this part in parentheses, but baby steps.)

anyway, i drank a huge frozen coke like two hours ago and im kinda loopy bc of lack of sleep but i cant sleep so i just wrote that fucking novel. sorry not sorry : )

hey hey hey no no no calm down take it easy youre okay. youre totally fine. yes youre okay. heart — youve gotta stop. there you go. much better. nice theres no reason to do that theres no need to freak out. thank you.

i want to experience unbridled love before i die. i want that young, teenager love — that hair-grabbing, heavy breathing, lip-pulling, soft moaning, teeth-bumping, squealing, running in a field love.

and then i want to die. i want to die before i get too far. i want to kill myself before i have kids. i just want to experience young love, and then i want to bow out. i want to excuse myself. i dont want to watch my life deteriorate, and i dont want to feel any more pain. im so tired of pain. im so tired.

im excited for love and im excited for my youth, and then im excited for it to come to a close. i know im selfish — i’ve always known this. i dont want to hurt my mom.

an early death is on brand for me, i think.

im so tired.

wheres this anxiety coming from? you havent felt this in a long time (and by that i mean in, like, a week)

lets walk through this. you had a great day. you spent time with mom. you organized your clothes a little bit. you got an app for a job. you and vic had a great night. youre safe no ones mad at you you drank good beer you organized your time well youre FINE.

nothings wrong. you have time to do your work over break. is this bc tim watched your story? WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS. WHY ARE YOU THE WORST. WHY DO YOU SUCK A LOT AND FREAK OUT EVERY SINGLE TIME SOMETHING HAPPENS EVEN REMOTELY INVOLVING HIM. stop it. fucking stop it. i cant deal. i dont care. i love him but i dont care. i dont want to care. for my wellbeing and my mental health, i cant care. just fucking drop it and calm the fuck down. let it flow through you and let it run its course. youre stable and strong and you have better things to spend time dwelling on. fuck that kid honestly. he shaved??? WHYdidheshavehelookedsohothemademykneeswea
kbutjokesonmebchestillmakesmykneesweakandm
yfaceandmyarmsiwanttodie

anyway. chill. play it cool.

youre totally okay. mom doesnt know you were slightly //tipsy//. you did nothing wrong. everythings okay. everythings okay. youre okay. stop. breathe. breathe. slow your roll. stop hyperventilating. stop. stop. dont cry. aw god no please dont cry. there you go, smile. fight through it. deep breaths. there you go. keep breathing. nice. youre doing so great!! hey!! nice youre okay. keep breathing and remember theres no reason to be experiencing anxiety rn.

im not really particularly happy when im with people (bc i like to do what i want to do — who doesnt?), and im really anxious when im alone. like, really anxious. like, buzzing/heart racing/pacing/mind-numbing anxious. why? do i think everyone else is hanging out with people so i feel obligated to also be hanging out with people? maybe. i just dont like not having an option to hang out with people, but why? so basically im perpetually, always on edge. fuck me.

i was jealous of kirstan(??) last night at onesgiving. and we know what that means.

so johnny and i were walking into tim hortons and jj said he was hoping “the hot chick” was working and i was joking around and said “sorry, shes probably going to be intimidated by me and not want to date you bc youre friends w me” and he started saying “yeah. girls are probably really intimidated by you —“ and i laughed and said “why?” before he could finish saying “…womanly charm.” and i didnt really hear what he said but i felt like he was making fun of the fact that i dont have “womanly charm” (whatever that is), so i scowled and said “don’t be an asshole.” and he looked at me wide wide eyes then said “im not kidding”

do you think kanye thinks about pussy 24/7

im at my wits end. it sucks but im feeling very resistant. again.