sometimes im sitting in a room with a bunch of people
and theyre all laughing and talking and joking
and im sitting there, like, itchy and flighty and thinking about 900 things or maybe one thing 900 ways, and i cant be present — i cant even think about being present
and theyre all having a good time and chatting
and im sitting in the corner thinking about what im going to do when i can leave
and what the fuck is that?
what the fuck is that?
why am i like this?
dead eyes/
reeling mind.
processing/
re-processing.
circles/
waves.
///
im frustrated that im so broke and
im frustrated with my schedule and
im frustrated bc i dont know how to help myself
//
on one hand, i’m like
oh, yeah, no — keep wanting a job but not looking for one. thats a fucking great idea, dude. fucking A+ idea.
keep working a job that doesnt pay you enough. keep barely being able to pay rent. no, no — youre doing great, truly.
yeah no keep wasting time working at a coffee shop — thats good! its good to move to a city and not try to do what you moved to do!
/
and im like, ugh, what the fuck? do i owe it to myself to get a job at this point?
//
and then on the other im like
every 23 year old i know is legitimately freaking the fuck out over what they “should be” doing or what shit they “should have” in order
and theyre stuffing themselves into these salary jobs they dont enjoy bc they feel like they should have a job
or theyre forcing themselves through grad school bc they dont know what else to do and society is telling them they have to constantly be driving their lives forward
/
and im like, ugh, what the fuck? whats the rush? make the most of this time?
///
so, here i am.
stuck in this wave of anxiety that builds with the frustration of not having money or time when i want it and crashes with the defeat of not wanting to cut short this pocket of youth
and im like, ugh, what the fuck?
///
my problems:
1. im not making enough money to do the things i want to do (!!!!!!!)
2. im wasting my mornings bc im sleeping too much (!!!!!!)
3. im working at night when the people in my life are free (!!!!!!)
4. i feel like im not doing what i came to LA to do (whatever the hell that is???) (!!!!!)
//
my solutions:
1.
//
good.
//
ugh, what the fuck?
today, i am pissed ofF —
im pissed bc i have to deal w this bipolar SHIT.
im pissed bc i have to waste my day off finding a new psychiatrist.
im pissed bc i went to the beach and couldnt enjoy it.
im pissed bc i cant cry.
im pissed bc i hid my melatonin when i was in mania and now i cant find it anywhere and
im pissed at how stupid that sounds.
im pissed bc this is out of my control.
im pissed bc i want to be alone but i also dont.
im pissed bc my head hurts and my skin is itchy and i cant sit still bc im so fucking mad.
im pissed bc i keep thinking i should just sleep today away so i dont have to deal w it and
im pissed bc i cant sleep without melatonin bc my saroquel is so low and
im pissed bc i dont know what to do to make it better.
im pissed bc i HAVE SHIT TO DO and i CANT DO IT.
im pissed bc i want to be LIVING MY FUCKING LIFE instead of DEALING W THE SHIT IN MY HEAD.
im pissed off.
dont talk to me.
or maybe do idk.
probably dont.
triangles & tree rings 