im tired of being a person

sometimes im sitting in a room with a bunch of people

and theyre all laughing and talking and joking

and im sitting there, like, itchy and flighty and thinking about 900 things or maybe one thing 900 ways, and i cant be present — i cant even think about being present

and theyre all having a good time and chatting

and im sitting in the corner thinking about what im going to do when i can leave

and what the fuck is that?

what the fuck is that?

why am i like this?

im tired of being a person

wadings & walls

dead eyes/

reeling mind.

processing/

re-processing.

circles/

waves.

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im frustrated that im so broke and

im frustrated with my schedule and

im frustrated bc i dont know how to help myself

//

on one hand, i’m like

oh, yeah, no — keep wanting a job but not looking for one. thats a fucking great idea, dude. fucking A+ idea.

keep working a job that doesnt pay you enough. keep barely being able to pay rent. no, no — youre doing great, truly.

yeah no keep wasting time working at a coffee shop — thats good! its good to move to a city and not try to do what you moved to do!

/

and im like, ugh, what the fuck? do i owe it to myself to get a job at this point?

//

and then on the other im like

every 23 year old i know is legitimately freaking the fuck out over what they “should be” doing or what shit they “should have” in order

and theyre stuffing themselves into these salary jobs they dont enjoy bc they feel like they should have a job

or theyre forcing themselves through grad school bc they dont know what else to do and society is telling them they have to constantly be driving their lives forward

/

and im like, ugh, what the fuck? whats the rush? make the most of this time?

///

so, here i am.

stuck in this wave of anxiety that builds with the frustration of not having money or time when i want it and crashes with the defeat of not wanting to cut short this pocket of youth

and im like, ugh, what the fuck?

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my problems:

1. im not making enough money to do the things i want to do (!!!!!!!)

2. im wasting my mornings bc im sleeping too much (!!!!!!)

3. im working at night when the people in my life are free (!!!!!!)

4. i feel like im not doing what i came to LA to do (whatever the hell that is???) (!!!!!)

//

my solutions:

1.

//

good.

//

ugh, what the fuck?

wadings & walls