im happy that youre happy,

but id be happy if you weren’t, too.

im not happy,

but im about to be.

ill start living —

living for me.

love is pain

is love

his pain

his love

her pain

is love

if we hadnt wasted all the shifties at geneva then we couldve brought some camping

[laughs meanly] lets not get into that

what do you mean lets not get into that

no, nevermind

…

it was a rough time

okay

no, i didnt mean to upset you

[you havent forgiven me. you havent listened to anything ive said — those days sucked for me, too. but your pain is all that matters.]

he claims he cares so much, but he doesnt listen. i need someone who will listen.

healing tattoo (blood, skin flakes)

grabbing necklace

eyes dilating

chewed fingernails

hair on back

water?

empty bed

outside a car

this is the first time in a long time that ive been locked into my phone thinking of you.

i keep scrolling through your likes and her tweets out of habit. im lost. i feel sick.

my stomach is upset and my head is throbbing.

i dont know what to do with myself.

uncertainty.

are ken and i breaking up

am i prepared to be single

shan said i have to be in control, and i do. otherwise, i freak out. i jump ship. im totally in control now, and im not doing anything. i need people — extroverts — to force themselves into my schedule. if im left alone to do as i please, ill get some things done maybe, but ill sulk in silence in the dark wrestling with the sunken void in the pit of my being.

depression?

anxiety?

why am i not productive? why am i not driven?

i just dont care.

im confused.

im starting to freak out.

my heart hurts today

it circles the drain

roughly kneaded

not needed

flashbacks to past pain

headaches

boredom

scrolling

uncertainty

frustration

fear

my heart

oh, my heart