a desperate message to save a relationship

Heres what im thinking/what ive been thinking for a while now: Youre not good for me. Youre toxic. Ive never loved anyone before like actually truly loved a guy before, but I know at my core that im so goddamn in love with you. I know i love you because I put you first, before myself. I’ll stay up the entire night just to watch you do homework cuz id rather be there for you than stay awake in my classes. Also I do it just because I like spending time with you and sometimes thats the only time you have to spend with me, which is okay, im not complaining. I know i love you because youre on my mind all the time. I literally cant stop thinking about you like do you know how annoying that is? I know i love you because you influence my entire mood. If youre happy then im so happy, if youre sad i cry and i cut because i cant make you feel better, if youre near me im a bloody psycho with so much energy because im so excited i cant help it. I know i love you because i dont think you have any flaws, i literally cant see them. I know i love you because i look at your eyes and i cant talk anymore and im jealous of the next girl who gets to look at your eyes and im jealous of the girl who will get to look at your eyes for the rest of her life which i realize sounds crazy like i know, but im not crazy. Love is crazy. I know i love you because i think youre a soulmate of mine, i think people have a few soulmates but i think we sync in a way that makes sense like it fits. I know i love you because youre gonna be such a great dad and i cant really explain why that makes me love you but it does like a lot. I know i love you because i was buying books on amazon on friday and Stingray Bay beard cream (its not cream but im not entirely sure what it is) popped up and i bought it instinctively like itll get here tomorrow. I didnt even think about it but i was so excited to give it to you just because. I know i love you because i kick myself hours later after i embarrass myself in front of you or say something stupid, which as you know is often. I know i love you because i really hate cuddling and i really like curling up in a ball when i sleep but i love being close to you and i love when you twitch and i love your blanket and i love when you make those noises. I know i love you because the sex is like woah like no guy has ever made me cum before and you make it happen like clockwork gdamn. I know i love you because i love how you lick your lips when youre focusing. I know i love you because i love how you say things under your breath to people and they have no idea youre making fun of them and then you look at me. I know i love you because youre just as perverted as i am. I know i love you because you tell me when to stop saying the word nigger and because you put up with me saying it so much. I know i love you because when we went on a break i stopped. functioning. I know i love you because i love the way you sketch. I know i love you because i love how you walk and i love your “chicken legs” and i love your weird socks. I know i love you because you like Gefleffestein. I know i love you because even though you dont want anything to do with me right now, i feel safe because i think we will work out. Butterfly effect. I know all of that, i know i love you, and all you need to know is that i will never leave because I love you too much, you just have to trust me. And right now im really happy which may sound insane but if you end this if you end us then i will be the one hurting and thats better than you hurting. Thats why youre toxic for me. Youre bad for me because youre all i want and i dont care about anything else. You never asked me, but i dont want a relationship right now, im not emotionally stable right now either, but I dont want to lose you. I cant lose you, Tim. So, its not healthy for me to be with you and I should walk away but I love that you exist and I want to exist with you.

a desperate message to save a relationship