god i miss you. i miss how we meshed. i miss your laugh and the gleam in your eye. i miss our sense of humor and how it worked and moved between us. i miss never wanting my time with you to end.

but it did end.

we ended.

we’re over.

and im so broken bc i have yet to find anyone in two years who even remotely compares.

god fuck this.

fuck you.

i lost 6 pounds this past week.

i should be excited.

i thought my apathy toward food was strength — me not experiencing joy from food bc i want to be thin and toned and food isn’t worth remaining fat, but im realizing now my mental health may be worse than i’d thought.

i thought i was healthy. i thought i was fairly regulated. i hope i am, truly, but even in typing that i dont care if i am or not. i dont care about anything. i feel nothing.

i felt no dread for xmas this season. i felt no joy watching mom almost cry over the picture i got her. i felt some confusion when i didnt get a patagonia (and kindof the yeti?), but confusion isnt really an emotion. i thought to myself “i cant wait to be done with [family party] [xmas mass] [opening presents] [family dinner]” like before every occasion bc i just dont want to deal w anything. nothing brings me even remote joy, so what’s the point? its just work right now. its all emotional work. i have to fake it every second of every day right now, and we both know how much i pride myself on always being genuine.

it literally makes my head hurt to be someone else all the time. i feel sick. i feel shitty. im close to tears all the time. im snapping at people, and i dont snap at my family. im annoyed when people text me. im annoyed when people snap me. im fucking annoyed all the time unless im alone — but then i have anxiety bc i feel as though i should be doing something else or appeasing someone in some way. i feel as though i should be putting on a show.

god, i cant shake that feeling. and its miserable. no wonder i want to cry all the time.

i thought i was in a good place, but i was just lying to myself. i was literally appeasing myself and not being genuine toward myself bc thats what im used to doing.

the only person i can really relax around right now is shannon, and thats hard right now bc we’re apart for the first time since we became close. shes always around to talk, though, and honestly that keeps me grounded. every one else puts my on edge. i dont want anyone else to know how easy i start to cry or how little emotion im actually feeling. shannon handles it so well somehow even when im a total bitch and so monotonous.

god. and fr im doing so well for how hard this is. i know that. and im going to keep fucking killing it bc running and stretching and showering today made me feel something. thats a start.

dont lose this, rae. dont FUCKING LOSE THIS.

and in that moment, looking through my instagram, i realized i was happy then. i mean, i was depressed, but i was content and solid and confident. and i wasnt living for literally anyone other than myself. not even a soul.

and i’m going to get that back in 2018. im going to wrestle with this seemingly undying need to impress people/come off a certain way and im going to win. im going to come out on top. and im so excited bc how freeing? how lovely does that sound? how “unapologetically me” does that sound. ill never forget JJ saying that.

i started at the railyard this week. i hated my first day, but after my third, i really kindof like it. i remember why i loved the BBQ so much. ive let everyone else in my life – in the working world – down bc i take on too much and then let it spiral out of control. dave. sarah. katie boyd. i cant have any recommendations from ppl bc i go out guns firing/fire blazing/not giving a fuck. (but in all honesty i think katie boyd still thinks i did great. and sarah can go fuck herself. and dave is just dave and hes fine.) but i didnt fuck up my relationship at the BBQ. i mean, i did, but not bc i did anything wrong. those people literally sucked lmao. im a good employee and im a good person, and i was horrified to start working at a new place bc i didnt want to disappoint these people. but i know im going to do just fine so long as i keep my temper to myself, dont bitch about people, and remain respectful. and do my job, of course. i hope i can use them as references for when i move out to LA and try to serve.

dear god im dreading the day i drop someones food. mark my words — itll happen.

but anyway i thought i wouldnt like working w hanna but i really do. shes been great and we actually get along so well. and alyssa is everything i want to be and everything i dont want to be. elijah is interesting – i cant pin him yet. his eyebrows are better than mine. ken is really nice. kayla is honestly terrifying and i have no intention of cuddling up to her. i wonder how everything will turn out. im excited to go hang out. theyre my friends.

i think this new year is going to be incredible : )

the first night in this bed in this room in this house, leah and i shared it bc her bed wasnt in yet

this bed has seen binge eating alone, smoking alone, sleeping alone, sleeping w tim and nuggett and nicholas and tony, smoking w shannon, crying, killing time w JJ, blook club, FOMO, naps rooted in anxiety

some good some bad but all lessons. all brought with me and all left behind.

moving forward.

i think tonight is one of the longest nights and days of my life.

im so absolutely shaken with emotion that i can’t even begin to understand what it is I’m feeling

regret — did i cut college short before i gave it a chance

excitement — I’m going off and taking control of my life

fear — what’s to come

FOMO — am i going to miss out on leah and galen and shan and sean

stability — i can’t wait to get into my routine and start feeling good again. friends aren’t everything. you have your friends and they’re amazing and you can have your friend time but you’re gonna move into a lot more family time. and thats totally cool

fristratinus — what

frustration — fuck, self, come ON you’re better than this

out of place — where do i belong right now

this is a period of transition, you felt the same way when you were leaving high school. this just feels more final for some reason — maybe bc I’m leaving friends two hours away instead of two minutes away

I’m staying positive, though

i have an online class w leah in the spring and we’re going to go to Odessa, so we’ll stay in touch i think. idk why I’m so concerned about keeping the closeness we’ve recently re-discovered. i think i just have an insane amount of fun when I’m with her and i want to cherish it while we have it

it’s no fair if I’m always the one making sacrifices for that to happen (I’m lamenting over my decision to go home bc it means fewer times to hang w her whereas if Djordjie was in the US then she wouldn’t think twice about how i was feeling) (i can’t fault her for that though, honestly, like life ebbs and flows. i think she knows i’m always here for her and we’ll be able to catch back up and check in every now and then

“you okay, my dude?” just checking in on your trip

safety

no one should be thinking of me when he or she is living his or her life. but i think of everyone else it seems like. maybe i don’t. i think I’m aware, though, at the very least

why can’t i type properly with my left hand

its 4AM and i woke up at 5:15AM this morning bc i couldn’t sleep. then leah and i went to chick fil a and weren’t hungry for breakfast. she’s skinny.

don’t rush. never rush any second. i was eager to get out and i’d deny it but i definitely wished these past few weeks away. i have a good thing here, and its okay that I’m leaving, but i want to experience this here and now, you know? don’t rush just bc you’re nervous or frustrated or anything.

the shower here has really nice water pressure

how many times have i sat and cried in the shower here or taken a nude for a boy or — wait have i seriously never had sex in the shower here? or even had a boy in there? weird. — given myself a hair mask or had someone shave my head or gone over a presentation or meeting in my head

and while not all of those things were good in the moment, the water pressure is really good. and i shouldn’t have forgotten that even when i was caught up in other things

bc thats what life is about. now i can’t cherish the water pressure — or now ill miss it, rather — bc while i had the chance, i was too caught up in other bullshit. i mean, its so okay to not feel okay all the time, but i think recognizing where you are and the positives and what you’re going to miss are really important — especially when you’re in a not so okay place

I’m going to miss kevin whistling to himself and always making pasta. katie’s candles in her room and her folk-y music.

stop. yes, i mean, definitely miss all of that, but theres a reason you’re leaving. many. and you can’t regret this decision or whatever bc its the best one for you. for sure. right?

college was an experience, and just like that, it was over.

“thats the best part. you can share memories.” — Galen on remembering when we locked eyes during an Illenium song

galens tapestry — we got lost in his bed. hes so different than id ever have thought but also just as id thought. spiders. comfortable. hot. moving. BREATHING.

anxiety about leaving // not fitting in anywhere // smart v stupid // so supportive when the others are tripping // cant let go in order to think of anything that matters — stuck in body maybe bc overthinking being uncomfortable?

out of place

loss of identity

fuck

this past week has been the most surreal of my whole life. i now understand the definition of surrealism a full year too late.

last thursday my mom and gaga drove up bc i had a bad fever, and jj and i gave our counseling presentation.

friday i was at home crying that i was leaving mercyhurst

saturday night i was on acid at bourbon barrel

sunday night i was on molly at illenium happier than ive ever been in my life

monday i was driving home then going to sheets w galen and leah

tuesday i was doing lines on the captain’s table

wednesday i was at that mexican restaurant with a stomach ache from margs

thursday i was in my marketing final then smoking w leah and galen and shannon and sean

and tonight? idk whats gonna happen

all i know is im happier than ive been in months. maybe since like april. bc the summer sucked and this whole semester was garbage.

i think some things are going to change more than i even realize

am i okay with this?

im not sure. i just wanna be happy. thats all i want.

but anyway, i may never set foot on mercyhurst campus again. i just have to turn in my philosophy essay thats a day late and then ill be done with traditional undergrad. i really hope Railyard still takes me. i also really hope i can get into really good shape.

2018 is gonna be about me doing what i want. strong people know what they want and they do it regardless of those around them, and i want to be like that. i want to put my wants and happiness first and i dont wanna just tag along bc i have anxiety being alone. im sick of that shit.

youre gonna be okay. i think 2018 is gonna be an insane year

aseems smoke cloud

sean

kylie lipkit middle fingers

bourbon

that frog

lifters

the kitchen

couldnt open my eyes wide enough

humidifier

leah went down the path i would have gone if i hadnt met tim (electronic v. dark, drinking and drugs v. weed and staying in)

idk man

reading the texts ive sent earlier today

not remembering, really

i mean, i typed them, but

it feels like im looking at someone elses phone

someone elses life

im just going through the motions

im not living

im not real

but im okay

and ill be myself again soon

but not yet

im okay here