growing & going

rae pollockLeave a comment

and i could smile

and laugh

and joke around,

but i never felt

happy/

i never

felt

happy/

“i never would have known you were depressed!”/

yeah, well,

i didnt want you to.

i didnt want to be seen, either,

but/

and thats a big thing.

thats a big thing,

i think —

you can be seen.

all the time.

whether

you

like it

or not, you

can be seen —

and, like,

what

the fuck?/

im serious, like

what the fuck?/

i didnt ask

for this/

im

not

ready

to be seen/

and yet

you

can see me/

and thats a really

hard thing, bc,

like, okay —

it must

be

really

awesome

to be seen all

the time

when

you

like what

youre showing

people/

it

must be

really awesome

to be seen all the time

when you dont

feel like

you

have to

hide/

and, like —

i didnt even realize

that i wasnt

ready to be

seen. i

didnt

even realize

it bc i, you know —

i felt like i was

ready. i

felt

like i

should be

ready, and so,

i was like,

‘okay!

here

i

go!

i’m okay

with this!!

i’m okay with

being seen!’

but then, really,

i wasnt. i

was

still really

afraid — like, so

fucking afraid of —

i’m not really

sure yet.

im not

really

sure yet —

myself, maybe?

my potential?

failure?

starting?

trying?

being seen?/

i think i was scared

of myself, which,

is really wild

bc, like,

jesus christ, woman, can you make nothing easy?

but

seriously,

no, i really think

i was scared stupid of

actually giving in./

i was scared

stupid of

actually

showing./

i was scared./

i am scared./

but im

working on

being less scared.

and im working on building

myself up so strong and

so full of health and

patience and

love and

i really feel like im doing it./

i really feel like im

doing it bc im

finding

how to

let life flow

through me.\\

im learning how

to give in to

time and

lean in

to

where

the day is

taking me —

flux, baby/

it’s not

about control/

really, its

not, bc

ive

been trying

to force

it,

kinda —

without realizing

it/ without

truly

realizing

it

//

if

i could

just wring this

right out of myself —

once and for all —

wrestling —

a dirty, mucky

rag all

sopped up

in loopy baggage —

if i could just

bear down and

grab it —

if

i

could just —

//

and it doesnt have

to be that hard.

it doesnt

have

to

be

that hard/ why

are you making it

that hard?/

why?/

//

i dont

have

to be

scared

when things

are easy.

i dont

have

to

hide

or force

anything or

try to be anything

or — i just have

to be seen.

and i

have to be

okay with being

seen. bc i

cant

help but

be seen — none

of us can./

so

instead

of coiling up

tight and hiding and

preening myself;

preparing —

i’m

caving in\

and i’m going.

//

yeehoo!

im growing!

im a super star!!!

growing & going
rae pollockLeave a comment

just bc youve hated yourself every day so far doesnt mean you have to hate yourself every day to come.

you have to make space to love yourself.

i, at least, have to make space to love myself.

and its hard —

it’s really hard.

but if i don’t, then what?

then where will i be?

space | grow

rae pollockLeave a comment

i can only move forward and feel calm after i’ve — specifically and intentionally, sometimes — made space to feel calm.

you have to create that space.

i, at least, have to create that space.

i have to make the active decision to cut through the garbled hum of anxiety pulsing through my brain and establish that space for myself.

and it’s hard — it’s so hard.

because how can you create that space if you don’t know you need to create that space?

or maybe you don’t know what you need to do in order to create it?

or maybe you can see you have to make space, and you know even how you have to create it (which, okay — amazing), but then you have to actually go ahead and actually create the fucking space…

and it’s like —

all of it is really hard.

really, really fucking hard.

but, it’s essential — i mean, without it, where are you?

what space are you in?

an anxious one?

a disconnected one?

before I could relax,

before I was able to sink into the changes slowly enveloping me,

I had to wade through hours — piecing together weeks — of feeling so anxious i couldn’t sit still.

i was itchy and flighty and upset

and every time i would even think about what i had to do — let alone sit down to do it — i would fall so sharply back into that place of unsettled discomfort

that place of muted terror where youre yelling, begging yourself to stop overthinking, but you cant hear a thing —

you cant hear anything —

and people are talking at you — near you? to you? — people — they’re near you and you cant hear them and you cant compute what theyre saying bc your mind is reeling, rummaging through bins of paper with print written too faintly to read

or hear? —

and the full weight of everything i was avoiding would close in on me and pile on top of me

and i could see some of the things i had to do in order to help myself and ultimately get myself out of this hell place, but

i couldn’t even get started, really, on doing anything to help myself because i was trembling, sitting in fear

and, like, even looking at my laptop or thinking about a topic i wanted to write about —

because that’s the thing, too, like,

i wanted to do everything and

i wanted to slow everything down and

i wanted to do all of this stuff because i know, on some level, — right? — that i like this stuff, and im doing this all because i believe in it and im good at it and i love it and —

i wanted to take things on as they came and

you know? you can want to do it, and you can love doing it,

and its okay to not be able to do it just yet.

its okay to not be able to do it.

i wanted to do these things, but

i couldn’t.

i couldn’t find myself.

i couldn’t hear myself — i couldnt hear.

all i could do was keep moving forward and trust that I’d be able to find grounding again —

my toes searching for the next sturdy foothold —

that blind trust is a key, for sure.

you just have to trust yourself.

because if you don’t, then what?

who’s going to?

where are you going to go?

it may be really spiny and poky and painful and scary and just, like, downright fucking hard to trust yourself,

but all the work you put into it — into you — is so worth it,

because you’re doing something. you’re moving yourself forward —

you. no one else.

if you want to do something,

or if you want to push past something,

or if you want to, i don’t fucking know, do anything, honestly, like,

then you have to make space for yourself to be successful — whatever that may look like.

you have to make room for yourself to grow.

you have to give yourself the freedom and the trust and the permission to grow —

whatever that looks like for you.

you have to figure that out.

you have to be the one to do it.

and, at least for me, I can’t grow until ive made space to calm the FUCK DOWN JESUS CHRIST CAN YOU LET YOURSELF REV DOWN FOR, LIKE, 15 MINUTES AND LET YOURSELF — I DONT KNOW — BE?

CAN YOU JUST BE?

RAE?

CAN YOU?

CAN YOU LET YOURSELF RELAX?

PLEASE?

//

its okay if youre scared.

youll be fine.

youll b ok

i promi

se

space | grow