and i could smile

and laugh

and joke around,

but i never felt

happy/

i never

felt

happy/

“i never would have known you were depressed!”/

yeah, well,

i didnt want you to.

i didnt want to be seen, either,

but/

and thats a big thing.

thats a big thing,

i think —

you can be seen.

all the time.

whether

you

like it

or not, you

can be seen —

and, like,

what

the fuck?/

im serious, like

what the fuck?/

i didnt ask

for this/

im

not

ready

to be seen/

and yet

you

can see me/

and thats a really

hard thing, bc,

like, okay —

it must

be

really

awesome

to be seen all

the time

when

you

like what

youre showing

people/

it

must be

really awesome

to be seen all the time

when you dont

feel like

you

have to

hide/

and, like —

i didnt even realize

that i wasnt

ready to be

seen. i

didnt

even realize

it bc i, you know —

i felt like i was

ready. i

felt

like i

should be

ready, and so,

i was like,

‘okay!

here

i

go!

i’m okay

with this!!

i’m okay with

being seen!’

but then, really,

i wasnt. i

was

still really

afraid — like, so

fucking afraid of —

i’m not really

sure yet.

im not

really

sure yet —

myself, maybe?

my potential?

failure?

starting?

trying?

being seen?/

i think i was scared

of myself, which,

is really wild

bc, like,

jesus christ, woman, can you make nothing easy?

but

seriously,

no, i really think

i was scared stupid of

actually giving in./

i was scared

stupid of

actually

showing./

i was scared./

i am scared./

but im

working on

being less scared.

and im working on building

myself up so strong and

so full of health and

patience and

love and

i really feel like im doing it./

i really feel like im

doing it bc im

finding

how to

let life flow

through me.\\

im learning how

to give in to

time and

lean in

to

where

the day is

taking me —

flux, baby/

it’s not

about control/

really, its

not, bc

ive

been trying

to force

it,

kinda —

without realizing

it/ without

truly

realizing

it

//

if

i could

just wring this

right out of myself —

once and for all —

wrestling —

a dirty, mucky

rag all

sopped up

in loopy baggage —

if i could just

bear down and

grab it —

if

i

could just —

//

and it doesnt have

to be that hard.

it doesnt

have

to

be

that hard/ why

are you making it

that hard?/

why?/

//

i dont

have

to be

scared

when things

are easy.

i dont

have

to

hide

or force

anything or

try to be anything

or — i just have

to be seen.

and i

have to be

okay with being

seen. bc i

cant

help but

be seen — none

of us can./

so

instead

of coiling up

tight and hiding and

preening myself;

preparing —

i’m

caving in\

and i’m going.

//

yeehoo!

im growing!

im a super star!!!