and i could smile
and laugh
and joke around,
but i never felt
happy/
i never
felt
happy/
“i never would have known you were depressed!”/
yeah, well,
i didnt want you to.
i didnt want to be seen, either,
but/
and thats a big thing.
thats a big thing,
i think —
you can be seen.
all the time.
whether
you
like it
or not, you
can be seen —
and, like,
what
the fuck?/
im serious, like
what the fuck?/
i didnt ask
for this/
im
not
ready
to be seen/
and yet
you
can see me/
and thats a really
hard thing, bc,
like, okay —
it must
be
really
awesome
to be seen all
the time
when
you
like what
youre showing
people/
it
must be
really awesome
to be seen all the time
when you dont
feel like
you
have to
hide/
and, like —
i didnt even realize
that i wasnt
ready to be
seen. i
didnt
even realize
it bc i, you know —
i felt like i was
ready. i
felt
like i
should be
ready, and so,
i was like,
‘okay!
here
i
go!
i’m okay
with this!!
i’m okay with
being seen!’
but then, really,
i wasnt. i
was
still really
afraid — like, so
fucking afraid of —
i’m not really
sure yet.
im not
really
sure yet —
myself, maybe?
my potential?
failure?
starting?
trying?
being seen?/
i think i was scared
of myself, which,
is really wild
bc, like,
jesus christ, woman, can you make nothing easy?
but
seriously,
no, i really think
i was scared stupid of
actually giving in./
i was scared
stupid of
actually
showing./
i was scared./
i am scared./
but im
working on
being less scared.
and im working on building
myself up so strong and
so full of health and
patience and
love and
i really feel like im doing it./
i really feel like im
doing it bc im
finding
how to
let life flow
through me.\\
im learning how
to give in to
time and
lean in
to
where
the day is
taking me —
flux, baby/
it’s not
about control/
really, its
not, bc
ive
been trying
to force
it,
kinda —
without realizing
it/ without
truly
realizing
it
//
if
i could
just wring this
right out of myself —
once and for all —
wrestling —
a dirty, mucky
rag all
sopped up
in loopy baggage —
if i could just
bear down and
grab it —
if
i
could just —
//
and it doesnt have
to be that hard.
it doesnt
have
to
be
that hard/ why
are you making it
that hard?/
why?/
//
i dont
have
to be
scared
when things
are easy.
i dont
have
to
hide
or force
anything or
try to be anything
or — i just have
to be seen.
and i
have to be
okay with being
seen. bc i
cant
help but
be seen — none
of us can./
so
instead
of coiling up
tight and hiding and
preening myself;
preparing —
i’m
caving in\
and i’m going.
//
yeehoo!
im growing!
im a super star!!!
