i can only move forward and feel calm after i’ve — specifically and intentionally, sometimes — made space to feel calm.
you have to create that space.
i, at least, have to create that space.
i have to make the active decision to cut through the garbled hum of anxiety pulsing through my brain and establish that space for myself.
and it’s hard — it’s so hard.
because how can you create that space if you don’t know you need to create that space?
or maybe you don’t know what you need to do in order to create it?
or maybe you can see you have to make space, and you know even how you have to create it (which, okay — amazing), but then you have to actually go ahead and actually create the fucking space…
and it’s like —
all of it is really hard.
really, really fucking hard.
but, it’s essential — i mean, without it, where are you?
what space are you in?
an anxious one?
a disconnected one?
before I could relax,
before I was able to sink into the changes slowly enveloping me,
I had to wade through hours — piecing together weeks — of feeling so anxious i couldn’t sit still.
i was itchy and flighty and upset
and every time i would even think about what i had to do — let alone sit down to do it — i would fall so sharply back into that place of unsettled discomfort
that place of muted terror where youre yelling, begging yourself to stop overthinking, but you cant hear a thing —
you cant hear anything —
and people are talking at you — near you? to you? — people — they’re near you and you cant hear them and you cant compute what theyre saying bc your mind is reeling, rummaging through bins of paper with print written too faintly to read
or hear? —
and the full weight of everything i was avoiding would close in on me and pile on top of me
and i could see some of the things i had to do in order to help myself and ultimately get myself out of this hell place, but
i couldn’t even get started, really, on doing anything to help myself because i was trembling, sitting in fear
and, like, even looking at my laptop or thinking about a topic i wanted to write about —
because that’s the thing, too, like,
i wanted to do everything and
i wanted to slow everything down and
i wanted to do all of this stuff because i know, on some level, — right? — that i like this stuff, and im doing this all because i believe in it and im good at it and i love it and —
i wanted to take things on as they came and
you know? you can want to do it, and you can love doing it,
and its okay to not be able to do it just yet.
its okay to not be able to do it.
i wanted to do these things, but
i couldn’t find myself.
i couldn’t hear myself — i couldnt hear.
all i could do was keep moving forward and trust that I’d be able to find grounding again —
my toes searching for the next sturdy foothold —
that blind trust is a key, for sure.
you just have to trust yourself.
because if you don’t, then what?
who’s going to?
where are you going to go?
it may be really spiny and poky and painful and scary and just, like, downright fucking hard to trust yourself,
but all the work you put into it — into you — is so worth it,
because you’re doing something. you’re moving yourself forward —
you. no one else.
if you want to do something,
or if you want to push past something,
or if you want to, i don’t fucking know, do anything, honestly, like,
then you have to make space for yourself to be successful — whatever that may look like.
you have to make room for yourself to grow.
you have to give yourself the freedom and the trust and the permission to grow —
whatever that looks like for you.
you have to figure that out.
you have to be the one to do it.
and, at least for me, I can’t grow until ive made space to calm the FUCK DOWN JESUS CHRIST CAN YOU LET YOURSELF REV DOWN FOR, LIKE, 15 MINUTES AND LET YOURSELF — I DONT KNOW — BE?
CAN YOU JUST BE?
CAN YOU LET YOURSELF RELAX?
its okay if youre scared.
youll be fine.
youll b ok