slippings & sputterings

im not

sure what

comes first —

the apathy

or the

emptiness

///

i weighed

myself for

the first

time

in

a

while

today

///

fuck

///

126.6

///

sometimes

its hard

not to

notice

the

numbers

//

sometimes

its hard

not to

follow

the

numbers

//

2 and 6

should be

leading

me in

the

right

direction,

but ive

slipped./

when did

i slip?/

why didnt

i notice?/

did i notice?/

i havent

been

healthy

for a few

days now/

i dont

actually

know how

long/

how many

days?/

fuck/

i just know

i havent

been eating

enough/

at all?/

fuck/

i havent

cared to/

i havent

thought

about it/

fuck.

//

why is this the first thing to go for me?

why when i start having trouble mentally do i fucking tank my progress in working on my body?

why dont cant i care about my body right now?

why dont cant i care about my health right now?

why dont cant i care?

why when i start having trouble do i feel better when im empty?

why is it so easy for me not to eat?

why is it easier for me not to eat right now?

why is this so hard for me right now?

why am i back in this place again?

//

its okay that im here.

its okay. im okay.

its okay to

slip.

its okay.

everything is

in flux. its okay

that im here —

its how i go

from here

that matters.

its how i get out

of here that

matters.

//

when did i turn the corner?

i was just doing so well, like, God — what day is it?

fuck

i wanna cry

i swear i was 134 and running 5 miles a day, like, yesterday

but i think that was around my birthday

i think that was two weeks ago

//

i have to say “i think” bc i dont know

/

i have to say “i think” bc i cant think

//

how much

of this is a

side effect

of lowering

saroquel?/

saroquel

makes you

gain weight

bc it increases

your appetite,

but even in

lowering

it i should

have an

appetite/

i should

have an

appetite/

i should

want to

eat/

fuck./

//

luckily,

i put safety

nets under me

when i got

back to

LA —

just in case.

its easy

to

think

youll never

need them when

youre in a good,

healthy place.

its easy to

forget

the

lows

when the

highs are so

easy/intense/

blinding. its

so easy to

forget./

which is

why i laid

out my

safety

nets

months

ago./

i promised

myself

that

if i

started

to slip, id tell

liwei i was going

to order dinner one

day that week

bc i knew

he’d ask

me every day

if i was going to

order it that

night.

and

i knew

he’d pester

me so much that

i wouldnt be able to

put it off for very

long. i knew

he’d keep

asking/

and

he wouldnt

even know what

he was asking/

so i told him

on friday

to save

me

steelhead

trout — one of

my favorites,

and friday/

saturday/

sunday/

i told

him

i wasnt

hungry or

that vic was

making me food

or whatever i

told him/ i

dont

remember/

until last

night

he

asked

again and

i said ‘tonights

the night!’ cheerfully

but numbly, and he

made it/ actually

i think Mel

made

it,/

and i

couldnt

waste

it.

i would

never waste

it — especially the

tail piece, saved for

me — the best cut. i would

never waste it. and i

didnt. i ate it all/

//

i

made

myself go

to the

gym

today and

lift bc when i

feel weak, i have

to run at what makes

me feel strong/

i want to be

strong./

i will

be

strong

even when

im weak/

i will not fall

when i slip/

thats a

promise to

myself.//

oorah.

slippings & sputterings

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