im not
sure what
comes first —
the apathy
or the
emptiness
///
i weighed
myself for
the first
time
in
a
while
today
///
fuck
///
126.6
///
sometimes
its hard
not to
notice
the
numbers
//
sometimes
its hard
not to
follow
the
numbers
//
2 and 6
should be
leading
me in
the
right
direction,
but ive
slipped./
when did
i slip?/
why didnt
i notice?/
did i notice?/
i havent
been
healthy
for a few
days now/
i dont
actually
know how
long/
how many
days?/
fuck/
i just know
i havent
been eating
enough/
at all?/
fuck/
i havent
cared to/
i havent
thought
about it/
fuck.
//
why is this the first thing to go for me?
why when i start having trouble mentally do i fucking tank my progress in working on my body?
why dont cant i care about my body right now?
why dont cant i care about my health right now?
why dont cant i care?
why when i start having trouble do i feel better when im empty?
why is it so easy for me not to eat?
why is it easier for me not to eat right now?
why is this so hard for me right now?
why am i back in this place again?
//
its okay that im here.
its okay. im okay.
its okay to
slip.
its okay.
everything is
in flux. its okay
that im here —
its how i go
from here
that matters.
its how i get out
of here that
matters.
//
when did i turn the corner?
i was just doing so well, like, God — what day is it?
fuck
i wanna cry
i swear i was 134 and running 5 miles a day, like, yesterday
but i think that was around my birthday
i think that was two weeks ago
//
i have to say “i think” bc i dont know
/
i have to say “i think” bc i cant think
//
how much
of this is a
side effect
of lowering
saroquel?/
saroquel
makes you
gain weight
bc it increases
your appetite,
but even in
lowering
it i should
have an
appetite/
i should
have an
appetite/
i should
want to
eat/
fuck./
//
luckily,
i put safety
nets under me
when i got
back to
LA —
just in case.
its easy
to
think
youll never
need them when
youre in a good,
healthy place.
its easy to
forget
the
lows
when the
highs are so
easy/intense/
blinding. its
so easy to
forget./
which is
why i laid
out my
safety
nets
months
ago./
i promised
myself
that
if i
started
to slip, id tell
liwei i was going
to order dinner one
day that week
bc i knew
he’d ask
me every day
if i was going to
order it that
night.
and
i knew
he’d pester
me so much that
i wouldnt be able to
put it off for very
long. i knew
he’d keep
asking/
and
he wouldnt
even know what
he was asking/
so i told him
on friday
to save
me
steelhead
trout — one of
my favorites,
and friday/
saturday/
sunday/
i told
him
i wasnt
hungry or
that vic was
making me food
or whatever i
told him/ i
dont
remember/
until last
night
he
asked
again and
i said ‘tonights
the night!’ cheerfully
but numbly, and he
made it/ actually
i think Mel
made
it,/
and i
couldnt
waste
it.
i would
never waste
it — especially the
tail piece, saved for
me — the best cut. i would
never waste it. and i
didnt. i ate it all/
//
i
made
myself go
to the
gym
today and
lift bc when i
feel weak, i have
to run at what makes
me feel strong/
i want to be
strong./
i will
be
strong
even when
im weak/
i will not fall
when i slip/
thats a
promise to
myself.//
oorah.
