sometimes

i find myself

whirring/drumming/

bouncing between

social media apps/

unable to break

the cycle/ and

its killer. it

truly is

the

worst,

and i think

you know what i

mean. i think youve

been here, too —

when you go

from insta

to twitter

then

back to insta

but

there’s

nothing new —

obviously, bc you just

fucking checked it,

you fucking

moron,

but

it’s like

yr thumbs

just did it???

like it was

muscle

memory???

///

bc it is?

//

you

ever think

about

how people

talk about muscle

memory as being the goal

of whatever task is

at hand? like,

driving. or

being a

fkn barista —

i was trained in

two places, and they

both told me, ‘dont

worry! after a

while, it’ll

be

muscle

memory!’

and, like, thats

really sad. thats rlly

fucking sad, i think, bc

muscle memory is

just another

way of

saying autopilot.

like the goal

of something is

to be able to forget

that we’re doing

it? ok, maybe we can

think more while we’re

doing a task bc it’s muscle

memory, but, at the

same time, you

disconnect yourself

from what youre doing,

and thats not being

mindful at all.

thats not

being

a

person.

//

people tell

me all

the

time that

they love driving

and yet its a goal to

make it muscle

memory?

“well,

yeah, bc

when im in

traffic or on a

long drive

then i

can

tune out”

okay, fine. no

one likes traffic.

youre doing your

road-tripping

all wrong,

but i’ll

give

you traffic.

but what about

people who

dont like

their

jobs? and

they just quite

literally go through

the motions day in and

day out and, yeah,

maybe they

can buy

stuff

but, my

god, you spend

so much of your life

at your job. if youre just

going through the

motions at

work

to

pass

time or

make it to

the weekend

or, idk, any

form of

“checking

out,” then im

sad for you. im

really sad that you

arent trying to

get a new

job.

and if

that just is

not an option

then im sad that

your instinct is to

drown it all out

instead of

seeking

ways

to

make

it better.

and i super

appreciate the

fact that sometimes

you just gotta do

what you gotta

do and not

everyone can

have their ideal

job and not everyone

has a safety net like

i do, but im just

saying that

its a waste of

life and time to

be doing something

on autopilot instead of

trying to figure out

a way to enjoy

it. id rather

break my neck

trying to climb out

of a hole or break my

neck making a dumb fucking

joke about the hole im in

than die having only

ever lived

complacently

and miserably

in a fucking hole.

///

and

then

maybe

you check

facebook to

switch it up but

also who even uses

facebook except

maybe leah

bc she

likes watching

random videos on

it and if you still have

a snapchat then you prob

check snapchat stories

and then youre back

on twitter bc its

‘been a while

since you

were

on

twitter’

so ‘maybe

theres some

new stuff,’ but

there’s only, like,

four new tweets and

three of them are

bad re-tweets

and one of

them is

a

variation

of whatever

the meme is that

day and its maybe

mildly funny

but also

not

really

and so you

click your phone

off and look back at

netflix for a few minutes

but youre still so fking bored

bc youre not doing anything so

you pick your phone back

up again and your

thumb opens

instagram.

///

wtf???

how pathetic.

i fucking hate that.

i dont want to look at

social fucking media.

i dont care whats on

social media.

so why,

then,

am i so

hellbent on

looking at social

media? why are my

thumbs so eager

to jump to

social

media? what

a fucking waste??

///

it

may be 5am, and i may not

be able to fall asleep for

some ungodly fucking

reason, but i could

absolutely be

doing

something

productive. i

could absolutely

be doing anything else.

social media, for me,

at least, is muscle

memory, and

i am super

not

about

that.