sometimes
i find myself
whirring/drumming/
bouncing between
social media apps/
unable to break
the cycle/ and
its killer. it
truly is
the
worst,
and i think
you know what i
mean. i think youve
been here, too —
when you go
from insta
to twitter
then
back to insta
but
there’s
nothing new —
obviously, bc you just
fucking checked it,
you fucking
moron,
but
it’s like
yr thumbs
just did it???
like it was
muscle
memory???
///
bc it is?
//
you
ever think
about
how people
talk about muscle
memory as being the goal
of whatever task is
at hand? like,
driving. or
being a
fkn barista —
i was trained in
two places, and they
both told me, ‘dont
worry! after a
while, it’ll
be
muscle
memory!’
and, like, thats
really sad. thats rlly
fucking sad, i think, bc
muscle memory is
just another
way of
saying autopilot.
like the goal
of something is
to be able to forget
that we’re doing
it? ok, maybe we can
think more while we’re
doing a task bc it’s muscle
memory, but, at the
same time, you
disconnect yourself
from what youre doing,
and thats not being
mindful at all.
thats not
being
a
person.
//
people tell
me all
the
time that
they love driving
and yet its a goal to
make it muscle
memory?
“well,
yeah, bc
when im in
traffic or on a
long drive
then i
can
tune out”
okay, fine. no
one likes traffic.
youre doing your
road-tripping
all wrong,
but i’ll
give
you traffic.
but what about
people who
dont like
their
jobs? and
they just quite
literally go through
the motions day in and
day out and, yeah,
maybe they
can buy
stuff
but, my
god, you spend
so much of your life
at your job. if youre just
going through the
motions at
work
to
pass
time or
make it to
the weekend
or, idk, any
form of
“checking
out,” then im
sad for you. im
really sad that you
arent trying to
get a new
job.
and if
that just is
not an option
then im sad that
your instinct is to
drown it all out
instead of
seeking
ways
to
make
it better.
and i super
appreciate the
fact that sometimes
you just gotta do
what you gotta
do and not
everyone can
have their ideal
job and not everyone
has a safety net like
i do, but im just
saying that
its a waste of
life and time to
be doing something
on autopilot instead of
trying to figure out
a way to enjoy
it. id rather
break my neck
trying to climb out
of a hole or break my
neck making a dumb fucking
joke about the hole im in
than die having only
ever lived
complacently
and miserably
in a fucking hole.
///
and
then
maybe
you check
facebook to
switch it up but
also who even uses
facebook except
maybe leah
bc she
likes watching
random videos on
it and if you still have
a snapchat then you prob
check snapchat stories
and then youre back
on twitter bc its
‘been a while
since you
were
on
twitter’
so ‘maybe
theres some
new stuff,’ but
there’s only, like,
four new tweets and
three of them are
bad re-tweets
and one of
them is
a
variation
of whatever
the meme is that
day and its maybe
mildly funny
but also
not
really
and so you
click your phone
off and look back at
netflix for a few minutes
but youre still so fking bored
bc youre not doing anything so
you pick your phone back
up again and your
thumb opens
instagram.
///
wtf???
how pathetic.
i fucking hate that.
i dont want to look at
social fucking media.
i dont care whats on
social media.
so why,
then,
am i so
hellbent on
looking at social
media? why are my
thumbs so eager
to jump to
social
media? what
a fucking waste??
///
it
may be 5am, and i may not
be able to fall asleep for
some ungodly fucking
reason, but i could
absolutely be
doing
something
productive. i
could absolutely
be doing anything else.
social media, for me,
at least, is muscle
memory, and
i am super
not
about
that.
