i havent smoked weed in two months. officially.

i think its the longest ive gone in three or four years, which is sad — especially for someone who never wants to rely on substances for happiness

ever.

[its ironic that im pumped full of medications that inhibit my natural brain function on a daily basis, but theres not much i can do there.

ive accepted that.]

weed helped me feel less alone.

i think it connected me to myself when i felt like i couldnt connect with anyone else? maybe it just made being alone more bearable?

im not sure if that makes sense.

weed let me tap into my creativity in a way that, honestly, ive struggled to do so since mania

i dont feel creative. i dont feel funny.

though i think, for me, those two things work in tandem.

//

and, at times, i dont feel.

maybe its depression creeping in; maybe its just a slump

regardless, im not afraid.

i trust myself. mood is always in flux.

everything is always in flux.

its easy to get hung up on the bad, but life is never always bad — one has to remember whats going well

what the trill is going well for you?

appreciate the good.

find the good.

//

i dont miss weed, really. i know im innately funny and creative without the assistance of anything — even when i dont feel i am

i mean, have you met me? im perfect

and ive been able to weave funny and creative through the folds of depression throughout my entire life, regardless of being high or sober —

sometimes its just harder.

sometimes its harder to do that.

sometimes its really fucking hard.

and thats okay.

maybe i dont feel creative or funny rn, and maybe writing isnt coming naturally to me, but id much rather this than my relying on weed.

//

i have a lot of good right now.

/im pausing for a minute to let it fill my soul/

/im breathing for a minute to let it fill my soul/

i want to live this beautiful life.

i want a full life —

not a distorted, distant, disconnected version of it.

i want to build a life that fulfills me so much i dont need anything toxic/supplemental/fake

i want the real.

when i die, i want to have lived.

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