do u ever

not have the

energy to do

anything

but u

want to

do something

bc youre

kinda

sad

for no

reason other

than your

brain

just

does that

sometimes.

and you dont

want to be sad

bc who wants

to be sad

and so

you

try

maybe

to make

plans

or

make

breakfast

at 1PM

but

you cant

follow through

bc i guess its

just a low

day and

theres

not

really

anything

you in this

state are

able to

do

about

it so you

lie in

bed

and think

about all the

stuff you

have

to

do or

should be

doing or

want to be

doing and

you just

stare at your

ceiling fan

blankly

and your

foot is going

nuts and shaking

like restless foot

syndrome bc

your body

wants to

get up

and

make

something

of the day but

you cant and

you try to

just put

on

netflix

or pick up

the book youre

reading or maybe

you try to do both of

those things at the

same time to try

to busy your

brain so

it can

get

away

from itself

but either it

doesnt work bc

you cant really use

outside things to

dull inside

voices

or

you

maybe

cant even

find the drive

to reach over and

turn on your

ipad and

so you

just

keep

staring

at the fan

spinning in

circles much like

you are except

the fan is

supposed to

do that

and

youre

supposed

to get the fuck

up and make

food or

work

on

the

event you

volunteered to

lead when you had

the energy or idk

do anything.

do anything, rae.

do something, rae.\

and in this moment,

i cant. and thats

okay. its okay

to not be

okay.

im just

going to

watch my

fan and

listen

to

music

and write

this poem bc

i just tried

dancing around

my apartment

and that didnt

help and i tried

stretching and

that didnt

work

and

i tried

doing yoga

and that didnt

do anything and

i thought about

a bath but i

dont want

to. thank

God

for music

and writing

and thank God

for this fan./

im not scared

of the low

days.

mood is

supposed to

fluctuate.

i think often

times people get

upset when

they have

a low

day

or

an off

day bc they

feel like theyre

failing or falling

backwards so

they freak

themselves

out and make

themselves sick

and what the fuck

does that do? what

the fuck does that

do for you? life

is a wave.

life is

a roller

coaster and

life is beautiful

even when

its bleak.

even when

its dark.

life

cant

always

be bright.

thats

normal.

thats okay.

you need the

lows to feel the

highs. youre

human,

my

dude.

no one is

perfect.

no one is

happy all the

time. that

would

be

scary.

thatd be

terrifying.

that would be

absurd. dont hold

yourself to impossible

standards bc youll always

be disappointed. i think

expectations can be

deadly in a lot

of ways.

i think

our

thoughts

can be deadly

in a lot of

ways.

dont fall

for it. dont

fall victim to

the games your

mind is playing

when it tells

you youre

not enough or

youre not doing

enough or youre not

working hard enough or

whatever it is your brain might

be telling you. also, though,

dont ignore what your

brain is telling you.

your brain is

pretty smart and

maybe its telling you

that you need to

work through

something

and thats not

scary either.

thats just

life, too.

thats also

sooO normal.

so i guess maybe

listen to yourself but

dont dwell in the abscesses

of your mind when its running

you in circles./ im listening

to an old playlist from

when i was in a

dark place —

not bc

i like to

re-live that

pain, (though

ive never

been one to

shy away from

pain) but bc its a

v good playlist i

havent listened to in

a while, and its weirdly

calming to me to drop

in to the mental

state i was in

so many

years

ago

and see

how much

better i am now.

i guess i find

strength in

weakness.

i guess i

find

strength

in how much

ive grown

when

right now

i dont feel v

grown at

all. today i

feel small and

confused maybe

and down and

introverted

and my

head

hurts a

lot bc my

meds

increased

two days ago

and so im just

kindaaa getting

through this

day and

im

not

super

able to

do a ton

and u know

what? thatsuh

fucking okay.

thats a-okay.

im a-okay

and ill

work

tomorrow

to have a better

day. oorah.

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