do u ever
not have the
energy to do
anything
but u
want to
do something
bc youre
kinda
sad
for no
reason other
than your
brain
just
does that
sometimes.
and you dont
want to be sad
bc who wants
to be sad
and so
you
try
maybe
to make
plans
or
make
breakfast
at 1PM
but
you cant
follow through
bc i guess its
just a low
day and
theres
not
really
anything
you in this
state are
able to
do
about
it so you
lie in
bed
and think
about all the
stuff you
have
to
do or
should be
doing or
want to be
doing and
you just
stare at your
ceiling fan
blankly
and your
foot is going
nuts and shaking
like restless foot
syndrome bc
your body
wants to
get up
and
make
something
of the day but
you cant and
you try to
just put
on
netflix
or pick up
the book youre
reading or maybe
you try to do both of
those things at the
same time to try
to busy your
brain so
it can
get
away
from itself
but either it
doesnt work bc
you cant really use
outside things to
dull inside
voices
or
you
maybe
cant even
find the drive
to reach over and
turn on your
ipad and
so you
just
keep
staring
at the fan
spinning in
circles much like
you are except
the fan is
supposed to
do that
and
youre
supposed
to get the fuck
up and make
food or
work
on
the
event you
volunteered to
lead when you had
the energy or idk
do anything.
do anything, rae.
do something, rae.\
and in this moment,
i cant. and thats
okay. its okay
to not be
okay.
im just
going to
watch my
fan and
listen
to
music
and write
this poem bc
i just tried
dancing around
my apartment
and that didnt
help and i tried
stretching and
that didnt
work
and
i tried
doing yoga
and that didnt
do anything and
i thought about
a bath but i
dont want
to. thank
God
for music
and writing
and thank God
for this fan./
im not scared
of the low
days.
mood is
supposed to
fluctuate.
i think often
times people get
upset when
they have
a low
day
or
an off
day bc they
feel like theyre
failing or falling
backwards so
they freak
themselves
out and make
themselves sick
and what the fuck
does that do? what
the fuck does that
do for you? life
is a wave.
life is
a roller
coaster and
life is beautiful
even when
its bleak.
even when
its dark.
life
cant
always
be bright.
thats
normal.
thats okay.
you need the
lows to feel the
highs. youre
human,
my
dude.
no one is
perfect.
no one is
happy all the
time. that
would
be
scary.
thatd be
terrifying.
that would be
absurd. dont hold
yourself to impossible
standards bc youll always
be disappointed. i think
expectations can be
deadly in a lot
of ways.
i think
our
thoughts
can be deadly
in a lot of
ways.
dont fall
for it. dont
fall victim to
the games your
mind is playing
when it tells
you youre
not enough or
youre not doing
enough or youre not
working hard enough or
whatever it is your brain might
be telling you. also, though,
dont ignore what your
brain is telling you.
your brain is
pretty smart and
maybe its telling you
that you need to
work through
something
and thats not
scary either.
thats just
life, too.
thats also
sooO normal.
so i guess maybe
listen to yourself but
dont dwell in the abscesses
of your mind when its running
you in circles./ im listening
to an old playlist from
when i was in a
dark place —
not bc
i like to
re-live that
pain, (though
ive never
been one to
shy away from
pain) but bc its a
v good playlist i
havent listened to in
a while, and its weirdly
calming to me to drop
in to the mental
state i was in
so many
years
ago
and see
how much
better i am now.
i guess i find
strength in
weakness.
i guess i
find
strength
in how much
ive grown
when
right now
i dont feel v
grown at
all. today i
feel small and
confused maybe
and down and
introverted
and my
head
hurts a
lot bc my
meds
increased
two days ago
and so im just
kindaaa getting
through this
day and
im
not
super
able to
do a ton
and u know
what? thatsuh
fucking okay.
thats a-okay.
im a-okay
and ill
work
tomorrow
to have a better
day. oorah.
