it’s funny —
i told my therapist
i had bipolar disorder
before i had ever
been told that
i actually do.
how zany
is that?
i knew,
but i also
had no idea.
i had never been
in mania or hypomania
before. i just had an inkling
that my brain worked
differently than
those i saw
who had
depression.
i mean, dont
get me wrong —
i absolutely have
been depressed no
doubt no doubt for sure.
but my meds never worked?
my meds never did much
of anything for me??
i swear it. so i’d
go off of
them
and
i
wouldnt
tell anyone —
sometimes not
even my doctor —
yeah, i know. but i
didnt want to be alive —
why would i take meds that
made me feel even more
sick than i already
did? how could
i feel any
worse
than
i
already
did??? so i’d
just muscle through
the day. i’d put on a smile
and throw some witty
comment into some
conversation with
some person
who didnt
know
me
at
all.
///
i’d just muscle through the day.
i’d just do. my. fucking. best.
to get through it without
losing /\/\/\/\/ control.
do you know what
it feels like to
try and
“get
through”
your own life?
i hope you dont —
and, if you do, then
fuck, mane. that shit is
super fucking hard,
and i hope you
can get help
and tell
someone
and take your
meds. its not worth
trying to muscle through
anything. it just isnt.
i mean, there’s
a reason
why
these drugs
and these docs
exist, right? idk why
i thought i had to go at
it alone when i was always
surrounded by love, but
i really did think that.
i really thought i
knew better
for myself
than
anyone else.
and, in some ways,
i do. but in other ways
i know to trust the people
who love me and the doctors
who are trained in this
stuff and just not
push the river.
im so glad,
honestly,
that i
went
through
depression
on my own bc
it taught me how
to be strong and lean
on myself when there’s
no one else around.
depression taught
me that but i
also taught
myself
that.
i did that.
i was strong
enough to do that.
and i was also strong
enough to understand that
mania is not reality. as
amazing and bubbly
and beautiful as
it feels it is
definitely
not a
place
to
live.
and im just really proud of myself for that.
im really proud of myself for coming back to pittsburgh w my mom and gaga when i didnt know what else to do and i didnt know why i couldnt shut the fuck up and i didnt know why i sat naked in an empty bath tub in the dark for hours on end just typing and writing furiously and i didnt know why i felt the compulsive need to talk about the future or my blog or what life means and whatever the fuck else i was yammering on about —
im really proud of myself for allowing help to help me when i couldnt help myself.
im really proud of that.
and im really lucky to have friends who still love me even when im a little zany and a family who still loves me even when i legitimately never shut the fork up
and im really lucky to have such good insurance from my parents so i can have the beat team of doctors and im just idk im just such a lucky frog. even though im in a low today/ and i cant really think/ i know this is all so good and im just uhh working really hard to get healthy so i can go back to LA. thats all i want right now. to be healthy and in LA. and by GOLLY i will get there when im good and strong. and soon, too, so they say🤙🤠
im starting an intensive outpatient program this week to better understand bipolar disorder bc tbh i only really know what ive learned in school and whats depicted in the media. and its kinda hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that my brain works differently than a lot of people’s (and the same as a lot of people’s, too — for sure for sure for sure no doubt.)
idk. im just proud today to have bipolar and proud to be handling my meds and my doctors and proud that my friends are so awesome and will stick w me through hell and back and im proud that my family isnt entirely embarrassed by my antics and im proud that i didnt absolutely fuck up my whole life when i was in mania and i just feel really, really lucky. thats all, i guess. i just feel so lucky and like i want to spread the love (not the mania!!!)
bc when the waters are super hard to navigate, i feel lucky i have a really strong ship, you know? and a lot of good, strong co-captains helping me and guiding me and directing me and working with me and communicating and dealing w my shit and batting me down and telling me whats best for me when
i
was
drowing.
and my head is just God awful rn and the sun hurts my eyes and idk. ill be okay bc im okay, you know? and im enjoying being at home but im also really excited for when i can be home, do you know what i mean?
holla from the back if you feel me, dog
///
i think that happens a lot.
i think we know
deep down
what we need/
or what we want/
or whats wrong
with us — and
maybe its
all very
subconscious.
maybe it all sooo
deeply rooted in us
that we dont even know
its there. but i did // on
some level. which
means other
people
can
too.
///
idk, mane.
i dont have all
the answers — thats
for fucking sure.
but i do know
that if you
want
something,
you should go
the fuck
after
it.
go on!!
GIT!!!! !!!!! !!!
whats stopping you??
i’m legit fucking
bipolar (and
i can say
that
bc
i
can
say that
if you know
what i mean) —
and im going after
everything ive
ever dreamt
of. i am.
im
serious.
i may have
bipolar disorder,
but i am not. crazy.
and i want the
whole world
lmaoo —
i
want
a lot!!! and
im going to fight
like hell to give it to
myself and those i
love so fiercely.
and i wanna
help a
BUNCH
of other people
on the way, too!!!!
i do!! i really, super
do want to do
that. i just
want
to
help
people!!!
im not a loony
tune!!! i yam just
a frog girl
who
runs
at
what
she knows
she wants and
knows she deserves.
[plat plat plat!!!!]
///
again, sorry if my mania was scary!!
and sorry if i go back up there again!!
who knows what will come in the future!?
i have absolutely no regrets bc even in my most mania zania of places — i still held on to my values and my beliefs and my humor and my strength and my friends and my family and my kindness and that is what matters to me.
my kindness matters to me.
i am a good. person. — i promise. and i absolutely have not always been a super great person, maybe, but ive worked a ton on myself and im still working/on/myself/every/day.
and im done hiding. im fucking done hiding. and, yeah, ive always been loud ahahah but i was always hiding, too, at least a little bit. i was never letting myself be seen completely bc i was really fucking insecure, like, fr i was super insecure for a really long time and i couldnt communicate w people bc i was dealing w emotional abuse and heartbreak and clearly a slew of mental “illnesses” (they just trings, boo) and i was just kinda going through a lot and had a lot of self sabotaging thoughts and disordered eating and whatever else i had/have going on and idk. i guess it doesnt bother me to share all of this stuff w people. sure, yeah, i absolutely have to be safe. and i absolutely do not want to over-share (LMFAOO I CAN NOT KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE WRITING THAT HAHAHAHA ARE U SERIOUS RAE YOU DUMB FUCKING BIRCH TREE)
but anyway — JESUS, THIS IS A RAMBLE IF IVE EVER SEEN ONE.
oh, and im fucking hilarious, too, so you can just get on only that train if you want — thats cool cool cool. you dont have to get on the mental health/rae/whatever train, but Vic and i have comedic plansuhhh in the works, mane!! and we live in such a huge city!! and we have so many cool friends (ahaha, okay, like 8 friends in total, but theyre really great and amazing), so you can just be our friend and support Tub Time™️ — our podcast that is in the works currently, YOWWW — and her Snoozeletter and my blog or just us. and we’re not asking for any money or any whatever — time is the greatest gift, i think, anyone can give.
time and “seeing” people. fr. it feels so good to be actually seen, like, as in understood. and valued. and idk i just want that for everyone??? truly?? i do??
so thanks for being here. thanks for reading or skimming or whatever youre doing here. and thanks for existing. and thank you for today.
and also i just kinda have to say this again to calm my own anxiety, but i may not have been 100% myself when i was in full-blown MANIA UMM IM SO SORRY BUT MY BRAIN WAS LEGITIMATELY NOT FUNCTIONING AND FUCK ANYONE WHO CANT SEE THAT — but i really was me. and thats pretty fucking cool. i mean, yeah — i was (am LMAOO) A LOT. I KNOW THAT AHAHAH DO YOU SEE HOW MUCH I AM!!?
i’m a lot. but im a lot of good and funny and pozzy and unbridled joy. im just so happy to be alive — FINALLY. GOD DAMMIT. THANK GOD.
and im thankful for everyone in my life.
im just so thankful mania didnt ruin my life.
and im so thankful for my good brain drugs bc while they are seriously hurting me rn ik theyre doing they thaaang. ik they’re helping. ik ill be back in LA soon but i also know that its okay and cool cool cool that im in PGH now.
idk. im finding my middle ground and it feels good. im going to start feeling good soon — i just know it. and then i cant wait to be home!!!