ok this is a novel but when isnt it ahahha i hate myself!!! jk!!! ily, self! !!! ilysm, self!! and ily, you!! whoever you are!!!! ily!!!

it’s funny —

i told my therapist

i had bipolar disorder

before i had ever

been told that

i actually do.

how zany

is that?

i knew,

but i also

had no idea.

i had never been

in mania or hypomania

before. i just had an inkling

that my brain worked

differently than

those i saw

who had

depression.

i mean, dont

get me wrong —

i absolutely have

been depressed no

doubt no doubt for sure.

but my meds never worked?

my meds never did much

of anything for me??

i swear it. so i’d

go off of

them

and

i

wouldnt

tell anyone —

sometimes not

even my doctor —

yeah, i know. but i

didnt want to be alive

why would i take meds that

made me feel even more

sick than i already

did? how could

i feel any

worse

than

i

already

did??? so i’d

just muscle through

the day. i’d put on a smile

and throw some witty

comment into some

conversation with

some person

who didnt

know

me

at

all.

///

i’d just muscle through the day.

i’d just do. my. fucking. best.

to get through it without

losing /\/\/\/\/ control.

do you know what

it feels like to

try and

get

through”

your own life?

i hope you dont —

and, if you do, then

fuck, mane. that shit is

super fucking hard,

and i hope you

can get help

and tell

someone

and take your

meds. its not worth

trying to muscle through

anything. it just isnt.

i mean, there’s

a reason

why

these drugs

and these docs

exist, right? idk why

i thought i had to go at

it alone when i was always

surrounded by love, but

i really did think that.

i really thought i

knew better

for myself

than

anyone else.

and, in some ways,

i do. but in other ways

i know to trust the people

who love me and the doctors

who are trained in this

stuff and just not

push the river.

im so glad,

honestly,

that i

went

through

depression

on my own bc

it taught me how

to be strong and lean

on myself when there’s

no one else around.

depression taught

me that but i

also taught

myself

that.

i did that.

i was strong

enough to do that.

and i was also strong

enough to understand that

mania is not reality. as

amazing and bubbly

and beautiful as

it feels it is

definitely

not a

place

to

live.

and im just really proud of myself for that.

im really proud of myself for coming back to pittsburgh w my mom and gaga when i didnt know what else to do and i didnt know why i couldnt shut the fuck up and i didnt know why i sat naked in an empty bath tub in the dark for hours on end just typing and writing furiously and i didnt know why i felt the compulsive need to talk about the future or my blog or what life means and whatever the fuck else i was yammering on about —

im really proud of myself for allowing help to help me when i couldnt help myself.

im really proud of that.

and im really lucky to have friends who still love me even when im a little zany and a family who still loves me even when i legitimately never shut the fork up

and im really lucky to have such good insurance from my parents so i can have the beat team of doctors and im just idk im just such a lucky frog. even though im in a low today/ and i cant really think/ i know this is all so good and im just uhh working really hard to get healthy so i can go back to LA. thats all i want right now. to be healthy and in LA. and by GOLLY i will get there when im good and strong. and soon, too, so they say🤙🤠

im starting an intensive outpatient program this week to better understand bipolar disorder bc tbh i only really know what ive learned in school and whats depicted in the media. and its kinda hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that my brain works differently than a lot of people’s (and the same as a lot of people’s, too — for sure for sure for sure no doubt.)

idk. im just proud today to have bipolar and proud to be handling my meds and my doctors and proud that my friends are so awesome and will stick w me through hell and back and im proud that my family isnt entirely embarrassed by my antics and im proud that i didnt absolutely fuck up my whole life when i was in mania and i just feel really, really lucky. thats all, i guess. i just feel so lucky and like i want to spread the love (not the mania!!!)

bc when the waters are super hard to navigate, i feel lucky i have a really strong ship, you know? and a lot of good, strong co-captains helping me and guiding me and directing me and working with me and communicating and dealing w my shit and batting me down and telling me whats best for me when

i

was

drowing.

and my head is just God awful rn and the sun hurts my eyes and idk. ill be okay bc im okay, you know? and im enjoying being at home but im also really excited for when i can be home, do you know what i mean?

holla from the back if you feel me, dog

///

i think that happens a lot.

i think we know

deep down

what we need/

or what we want/

or whats wrong

with us — and

maybe its

all very

subconscious.

maybe it all sooo

deeply rooted in us

that we dont even know

its there. but i did // on

some level. which

means other

people

can

too.

///

idk, mane.

i dont have all

the answers — thats

for fucking sure.

but i do know

that if you

want

something,

you should go

the fuck

after

it.

go on!!

GIT!!!! !!!!! !!!

whats stopping you??

i’m legit fucking

bipolar (and

i can say

that

bc

i

can

say that

if you know

what i mean) —

and im going after

everything ive

ever dreamt

of. i am.

im

serious.

i may have

bipolar disorder,

but i am not. crazy.

and i want the

whole world

lmaoo —

i

want

a lot!!! and

im going to fight

like hell to give it to

myself and those i

love so fiercely.

and i wanna

help a

BUNCH

of other people

on the way, too!!!!

i do!! i really, super

do want to do

that. i just

want

to

help

people!!!

im not a loony

tune!!! i yam just

a frog girl

who

runs

at

what

she knows

she wants and

knows she deserves.

[plat plat plat!!!!]

///

again, sorry if my mania was scary!!

and sorry if i go back up there again!!

who knows what will come in the future!?

i have absolutely no regrets bc even in my most mania zania of places — i still held on to my values and my beliefs and my humor and my strength and my friends and my family and my kindness and that is what matters to me.

my kindness matters to me.

i am a good. person. — i promise. and i absolutely have not always been a super great person, maybe, but ive worked a ton on myself and im still working/on/myself/every/day.

and im done hiding. im fucking done hiding. and, yeah, ive always been loud ahahah but i was always hiding, too, at least a little bit. i was never letting myself be seen completely bc i was really fucking insecure, like, fr i was super insecure for a really long time and i couldnt communicate w people bc i was dealing w emotional abuse and heartbreak and clearly a slew of mental “illnesses” (they just trings, boo) and i was just kinda going through a lot and had a lot of self sabotaging thoughts and disordered eating and whatever else i had/have going on and idk. i guess it doesnt bother me to share all of this stuff w people. sure, yeah, i absolutely have to be safe. and i absolutely do not want to over-share (LMFAOO I CAN NOT KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE WRITING THAT HAHAHAHA ARE U SERIOUS RAE YOU DUMB FUCKING BIRCH TREE)

but anyway — JESUS, THIS IS A RAMBLE IF IVE EVER SEEN ONE.

oh, and im fucking hilarious, too, so you can just get on only that train if you want — thats cool cool cool. you dont have to get on the mental health/rae/whatever train, but Vic and i have comedic plansuhhh in the works, mane!! and we live in such a huge city!! and we have so many cool friends (ahaha, okay, like 8 friends in total, but theyre really great and amazing), so you can just be our friend and support Tub Time™️ — our podcast that is in the works currently, YOWWW — and her Snoozeletter and my blog or just us. and we’re not asking for any money or any whatever — time is the greatest gift, i think, anyone can give.

time and “seeing” people. fr. it feels so good to be actually seen, like, as in understood. and valued. and idk i just want that for everyone??? truly?? i do??

so thanks for being here. thanks for reading or skimming or whatever youre doing here. and thanks for existing. and thank you for today.

and also i just kinda have to say this again to calm my own anxiety, but i may not have been 100% myself when i was in full-blown MANIA UMM IM SO SORRY BUT MY BRAIN WAS LEGITIMATELY NOT FUNCTIONING AND FUCK ANYONE WHO CANT SEE THAT — but i really was me. and thats pretty fucking cool. i mean, yeah — i was (am LMAOO) A LOT. I KNOW THAT AHAHAH DO YOU SEE HOW MUCH I AM!!?

i’m a lot. but im a lot of good and funny and pozzy and unbridled joy. im just so happy to be alive — FINALLY. GOD DAMMIT. THANK GOD.

and im thankful for everyone in my life.

im just so thankful mania didnt ruin my life.

and im so thankful for my good brain drugs bc while they are seriously hurting me rn ik theyre doing they thaaang. ik they’re helping. ik ill be back in LA soon but i also know that its okay and cool cool cool that im in PGH now.

idk. im finding my middle ground and it feels good. im going to start feeling good soon — i just know it. and then i cant wait to be home!!!

ok this is a novel but when isnt it ahahha i hate myself!!! jk!!! ily, self! !!! ilysm, self!! and ily, you!! whoever you are!!!! ily!!!

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