its funny that im scared to post on social media sometimes but i am never scared to post here// why do i view social media as not a safe space??? why do i do that??? why am i comfortable here even tho i no longer have any clue who has this link and who is reading??

im not sure.

im not sure

why my “socials”

are the way

they are.

im not sure why social media is

toxic

when its supposed to bring us folks together.

we’re so close to, like,

connecting to each

other. and yet,

we hide

behind

screens.

well, my dudes —

i may be behind

a screen rn, but

i will no longer hide myself.

i wont. i cant.

im bursting

at

the

seams

trying like —

no, wait —

i’m fighting

like HELL

to stop

hiding

myself

from

people.

from everyone.

from my family,

for sure for sure for sure

no doubt // no doubt.

from my friends?

they already

know.

they know me ahahhaa —

some a little too well,

sometimes. idk. i

am unafraid.

and you

wanna

know

what

that

is?

thats my prerogative.

and im not forcing

anyone to ride

this train —

the Stingrae666 Express,

maybe hahahaha i’ll

try that out. i’ll try

anything once.

and, sure,

i’m willing

to try anything

once. and i’ll slow

it down. i’ll ease off —

but im not begging.

anyone.

to read.

i mean,

sure. airdrop

save the world.

elbow touch save

theuuuh mffinnuhn

WWOORRRRLLDDDD,

mane.

and

i guess i will

ask those closest to

me to read it bc

my blog helps

me think

and

process

and understand

myself and others.

and i dont want to

EVER force ANYONE

to do ANYTHING FRFR!!

if you dont wanna read,

then dont. then this

blog/this place

of love and

learning

through my

eyes isnt for you.

and thats cool cool

cool. i literally dont

care. i will work

to go slower. i

will try to

go

slow.

if thats what

people need.

if thats what

the people want

ahahaha then fine.

ill slow it down.

but i wont

stop

being

unapologetically

me. im just me.

thats it. i literally

cannot stress that

enough. maybe i dont

have to put everything

on this blog (ok but

look at your social media

accounts and tell me I’M

“crazy??????”)

GOD,

i hate that word.

“crazy.”

?????????

i prefer zany

or BONKERS —

or call it what it is:

mania.

mania doesnt scare

me — just like

depression

doesnt

scare

lil

old

frog

me.

it doesnt.

never has.

depression i know,

and i know him well.

yeah, depression to me

is a guy — not sure why.

but mania is a woman —

for me, at least.

and not that i

or we

or anyone

has to gender things -1

fuck gender.

fuck that noise.

but for me?

for my blog?

i do whatever

the fork i want.

truly. i do. and i’ll

ABSOLUTELY LISTEN

TO ANYTHING ANYONE

SAYS EVER. AND IF YOURE

IN MY LIFE, AND YOU DONT

WANT TO BE ON THE BLOG,

THEN DONE. ITS ALREADY

DONE AS FAR AS I’M

CONCERNED.

just tell me.

i. will. always. listen. to. you. when. you. speak.

so long as you communicate WITH me

and in a way in which i’ll understand.

you just have to talk to me. //

criticism used to piss me

off bc i didnt understand

how someone knew better

than i did if it was, like,

my graphic design project

or something. thats a huge

reason why college was so

hard for me hhahaha i

knew i didnt know

anything, and yet

i hated when

people told

me when i was wrong.

i used to hate that shit.

i used to think i was better than people.

i used to think i knew better

when i didnt know much

of anything. but, i mean,

of course i knew stuff.

i think. sometimes,

when i look back

on my life, i

wonder

to

myself

all alone

if i actually

knew anything

or anyone at

all. when i

was depressed

every day —

i didnt think

i knew anything

at all; though i thought

i knew everything, too.

and i will. never. make.

those. childish.

mistakes.

again.

and i will do that by

listening to those

in my life who

i respect

just

as

fiercely

as i love them.

///

yeah,

two sides

to every coin.

im just lucky

enough to

have

some

trings

that make

it really easy

for me to see both

sides to every coin.

bipolar “disorder.”

what a gift of

mine that

was

given

to me not

by mistake. i

guess i dont believe

in mistakes even when

they are HORRIFIC

AND DEADLY AND

i dont have all the

answers;

obviously.

im only 22.

but i will follow

myself first and

foremost

and

if

im

in too much mania

or too much depression

to hear my voice

clearly and

from a

healthy

place —

bc

i can see it now.

hindsight is 20/20.

of course i can now

see how irresponsible

and ruthless and

zany and bonkers

i was when i was

drowning in mania//

love// whatever

you wanna call it.

whatever name

you wanna

call it —

i was

drowning

in it. thank

God my family

came to get me.

thank God my friends

were strong enough

to look me in the

eyes and tell

me to get.

fucking.

help.

and i did.

and i still am.

and i wish i could

be in LA right now,

but i cant. im not

there yet bc

im not

there

yet.

do you feel me?

im getting healthy.

i didnt mean

to hurl

myself

into

mania.

i didnt mean

to embarrass or

upset those i feel

closest to. i didnt

mean to do

anything.

i was

just

trying

to exist.

and love.

and spread

what i think

is truth. —

which,

for the record,

i still believe

all of it.

i may have acted in a “wrong” way,

but i stand by everything

i have said. or at

least — at

the very

least —

i stand by

my poems. i

do. even if they

make you uncomfortable;

i know what i said. i know.

and its all still true —

including every.

single.

suicidal.

post.

i wrote before

you knew me —

or while you knew

me, but you didnt know.

i never let anyone in.

i couldnt. i was

too

depressed.

i was too fucking depressed.

to do anything. i was so

fucking. depressed.

and i hope you

know i

dont

take

that

word

lightly.

///

im sorry to those i have hurt while in mania.

im sorry to those i have hurt while depressed.

i am so sorry.

im so sorry.

im not

embarrassed

bc i stand by everything

ive ever said and ever

done bc tbh even

in my most

depressive

state

i

was

still

cracking

mffinuh jokes,

mane. ive said

it a thousand times —

probably literally,

LMFAOOO —

and ill

say

it

again

probably

a million times

more if im

lucky

enough

to remain

alive.

im the funniest person ive ever met,

and i get my humor from

my father. and i have

a really fucking

powerful

voice memo

from a blessed

conversation i had

w my father while in

mania — and maybe

im not ready to

post it.

or

maybe

i am?

not sure there;

so im probably not,

but regardless of the

zany place my mind

seems to be living

in currently,

posting

it is

my

prerogative.

its my choice.

pro choice.

pro the option of abortion —

sorry not sorry.

i may be fiercely

Catholic —

but i am more

so//above anything

else//fiercely pro-people.

i am pro-everyone.

i am so pozzy

even now

when

i

cant

get up

to make

my morning

eggs. its 3PM here

in pittsburgh.

and

i

cant

get

up.

and thats okay.

bc im okay.

and

we’ll

all be

okay so

long as we

communicate

and eat our

breakfasts

and idk

just,

like,

listen to good music

and take our good brain

drugs and stop smoking

weed and work when we

have to and dance when we

feel like it and run or walk

or just be outside when

we can do that. if we

can do that — if we

are physically

and mentally

capable

of

doing

anything.

so long as we

are mentally and

physically and soul-

fully stable, then

we will be free.

sure, i mean,

society

still

sucks

ass sometimes,

but who doesnt?

*actually i do not*

*not that that had to be said, but*

lmao, butt.

butts

are

cool

cool

cool.

but anyway.

im getting healthy.

and im doing it w my

family bc they know whats

good for me when i dont.

and i know that —

always have/

always

will.

bc i may be pro-choice,

but i also have faith.

my family gave

me my faith,

but i walk

my own

path.

i do that.

i do that.

fiercely

and truly.

and you can, too!!

whoever you are.

i have no idea who’s

reading this anymore.

it used to be just

me.

and then i think it was

me and shannon.

or maybe me

and vic.

and then JJ.

and then idk

i just kinda lost

control for a little

bit, and im not

embarrassed —

at all, actually.

im not. and

im sorry

if

i

embarrassed

you somehow.

im so sorry if

youre embarrassed

of me or my poetry

and im just so

sorry. but

Jess, my

friend and

tattoo artist,

gave me a gift

when i saw him

the other day. maybe

the best gift ive

ever been

given —

yeah,

including my Yeti (–

sorry, Shan, you KNOW

HOW MUCH I LOVE

MY PERFECT LIL

YETI LOO!!)

but Jess

Scutella

looked

me

in

the

eyes and

he said, “yeah,

it may be mania —

but it could also just

be you finally

coming

out.”

and my jaw dropped.

ive never felt more seen

by anything in my

entire life,

and

ive

been

seen

a lot.

by friends and otherwise —

again, i have no idea who’s

reading anymore. i dont

check the stats. i

legitimately

do not

care.

i

donut

care. about

anything rn

other than

getting

myself

healthy.

///

and getting back to LA,

too, for sure. no doubt

no doubt no doubt

about any of

that.

i have no doubt.

i only have faith

in myself and those

who know better than

i do in some instances.

everyone has things

to teach me. and

i have a ton

of things

to

teach people! !!!!!

IM

BURSTING

AT THE MFFF

S E A M S

trying

to teach

everytring all

at once — but

thats not

how

people

learn?????

or, at least —

thats not how

i learn. i learn

first and foremost

experientially,

and then

anecdotally,

i think is next.

so maybe i had to

write my mania/

zania/crazia

story

before i

could read it

and learn from it.

im learning every day.

and ill continue to

do so. but id

like a

chance

to slow the

fork down.

maybe a reset

button? sorry i

came in so hot.

im super

new

to

mania.

im super new

to life — bc,

seriously,

my dudes?

im so new.

i feel as though

im new to this

world bc i

can see

all the

sweet

nectar

colors

of love — no,

i could always

see them. and i

talked about them,

but i could never feel.

anything. at. all.

its bonkers

to me

how

depressed

i must have been.

if my mania is

THIS BIG???

shit. why

didnt

i

tell

anyone

how bad it was?

why did i only tell

Shannon that i was

suicidal for two

years. why

didnt

i tell

anyone

anything???

ever????

i didnt know.

bc when youre

THAT depressed?

when youre THAT

S U I C I D A L

day in

and day out??

you put a smile

on just like everyone

else. you fit yourself

right into that

little fuckinggguh

mold

society

build for you —

not with you. and

when you hate yourseld

that deeply??? all the

way to your tree

roots??

you

just

try

to make it through the day.

you just do your best.

and you dont

draw

attention

to yourself

and you maybe

gain, like, mega

weight and you maybe,

like, work three jobs

on campus to

shut the

fucking

voices

inside

your head

telling you

everyone hates you//

you cant wear that, you fat duck//

you cant go to class today//

just smoke and youll feel better//

no one thinks youre funny//

dont tweet that — no one will fav it//

i dont care if peopld dont

“like” me anymore.

bc i love myself.

first and

foremost.

im frfr —

i told you

i dont lie

anymore

even though ive lied a lot in the past.

Sarah Allen — my advisor and

manager for, like, what,

all THREE of my

leadership

positions

on

campus —

looked me in the eyes

at one of our leadership

retreats//in front of

everyone i was

supposed to

be leading

when

i couldnt

lead myself

or do anything

at all//\>

she looked me

in the eyes and she

said “Rae’s a really

good actor.” and, boy,

i think that was the

most seen i’d

ever

felt

prior to what Jess just said to me two days ago.

or was it yesterday?

ugh. i have no

idea what

day

it

is

?

what day is it?

why am i not living

my perfect LA life? ???

oh, yeah. getting

healthy.

im finding my footing so i stop

fucking up my perfect LA life.

bc thats all i want haha —

thats all i want for

everyone. i just

want peace

and love

and

happiness, truly.

unbridled//amazing//

true happiness and

success and

support and

lots and lots

of love. im

sorry if i

hurt/

embarrassed/

drove you away.

im so sorry. it kills

me that i might have

pushed great people

away when i

was

drowning

in

a

world

of

zania mania.

that kills me.

id be fine, definitely,

but i wouldnt be okay

for a long time if i

lost the good

people i

found.

and ive found a ton.

im sorry, everyone.

im just trying

my best.

im just trying.

im just trying

to be healthy —

mind///body///soul.

////

im sorry.

ill show the truck down.

i love you all, yea — even you.

you have this link, don’t you?

im sorry again.

i didnt

mean

to

hurt or

embarrass

anyone, but

especially you.

you have this link, don’t you?

////

thank you for today.

thank you for existing.

///

MAMA NEEDS TO EAT FRFRFR.

EGGS, HERE I CUM BBY!!!!

its funny that im scared to post on social media sometimes but i am never scared to post here// why do i view social media as not a safe space??? why do i do that??? why am i comfortable here even tho i no longer have any clue who has this link and who is reading??

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