im not sure.
im not sure
why my “socials”
are the way
they are.
im not sure why social media is
toxic
when its supposed to bring us folks together.
we’re so close to, like,
connecting to each
other. and yet,
we hide
behind
screens.
well, my dudes —
i may be behind
a screen rn, but
i will no longer hide myself.
i wont. i cant.
im bursting
at
the
seams
trying like —
no, wait —
i’m fighting
like HELL
to stop
hiding
myself
from
people.
from everyone.
from my family,
for sure for sure for sure
no doubt // no doubt.
from my friends?
they already
know.
they know me ahahhaa —
some a little too well,
sometimes. idk. i
am unafraid.
and you
wanna
know
what
that
is?
thats my prerogative.
and im not forcing
anyone to ride
this train —
the Stingrae666 Express,
maybe hahahaha i’ll
try that out. i’ll try
anything once.
and, sure,
i’m willing
to try anything
once. and i’ll slow
it down. i’ll ease off —
but im not begging.
anyone.
to read.
i mean,
sure. airdrop
save the world.
elbow touch save
theuuuh mffinnuhn
WWOORRRRLLDDDD,
mane.
and
i guess i will
ask those closest to
me to read it bc
my blog helps
me think
and
process
and understand
myself and others.
and i dont want to
EVER force ANYONE
to do ANYTHING FRFR!!
if you dont wanna read,
then dont. then this
blog/this place
of love and
learning
through my
eyes isnt for you.
and thats cool cool
cool. i literally dont
care. i will work
to go slower. i
will try to
go
slow.
if thats what
people need.
if thats what
the people want
ahahaha then fine.
ill slow it down.
but i wont
stop
being
unapologetically
me. im just me.
thats it. i literally
cannot stress that
enough. maybe i dont
have to put everything
on this blog (ok but
look at your social media
accounts and tell me I’M
“crazy??????”)
GOD,
i hate that word.
“crazy.”
?????????
i prefer zany
or BONKERS —
or call it what it is:
mania.
mania doesnt scare
me — just like
depression
doesnt
scare
lil
old
frog
me.
it doesnt.
never has.
depression i know,
and i know him well.
yeah, depression to me
is a guy — not sure why.
but mania is a woman —
for me, at least.
and not that i
or we
or anyone
has to gender things -1
fuck gender.
fuck that noise.
but for me?
for my blog?
i do whatever
the fork i want.
truly. i do. and i’ll
ABSOLUTELY LISTEN
TO ANYTHING ANYONE
SAYS EVER. AND IF YOURE
IN MY LIFE, AND YOU DONT
WANT TO BE ON THE BLOG,
THEN DONE. ITS ALREADY
DONE AS FAR AS I’M
CONCERNED.
just tell me.
i. will. always. listen. to. you. when. you. speak.
so long as you communicate WITH me
and in a way in which i’ll understand.
you just have to talk to me. //
criticism used to piss me
off bc i didnt understand
how someone knew better
than i did if it was, like,
my graphic design project
or something. thats a huge
reason why college was so
hard for me hhahaha i
knew i didnt know
anything, and yet
i hated when
people told
me when i was wrong.
i used to hate that shit.
i used to think i was better than people.
i used to think i knew better
when i didnt know much
of anything. but, i mean,
of course i knew stuff.
i think. sometimes,
when i look back
on my life, i
wonder
to
myself
all alone
if i actually
knew anything
or anyone at
all. when i
was depressed
every day —
i didnt think
i knew anything
at all; though i thought
i knew everything, too.
and i will. never. make.
those. childish.
mistakes.
again.
and i will do that by
listening to those
in my life who
i respect
just
as
fiercely
as i love them.
///
yeah,
two sides
to every coin.
im just lucky
enough to
have
some
trings
that make
it really easy
for me to see both
sides to every coin.
bipolar “disorder.”
what a gift of
mine that
was
given
to me not
by mistake. i
guess i dont believe
in mistakes even when
they are HORRIFIC
AND DEADLY AND
i dont have all the
answers;
obviously.
im only 22.
but i will follow
myself first and
foremost
and
if
im
in too much mania
or too much depression
to hear my voice
clearly and
from a
healthy
place —
bc
i can see it now.
hindsight is 20/20.
of course i can now
see how irresponsible
and ruthless and
zany and bonkers
i was when i was
drowning in mania//
love// whatever
you wanna call it.
whatever name
you wanna
call it —
i was
drowning
in it. thank
God my family
came to get me.
thank God my friends
were strong enough
to look me in the
eyes and tell
me to get.
fucking.
help.
and i did.
and i still am.
and i wish i could
be in LA right now,
but i cant. im not
there yet bc
im not
there
yet.
do you feel me?
im getting healthy.
i didnt mean
to hurl
myself
into
mania.
i didnt mean
to embarrass or
upset those i feel
closest to. i didnt
mean to do
anything.
i was
just
trying
to exist.
and love.
and spread
what i think
is truth. —
which,
for the record,
i still believe
all of it.
i may have acted in a “wrong” way,
but i stand by everything
i have said. or at
least — at
the very
least —
i stand by
my poems. i
do. even if they
make you uncomfortable;
i know what i said. i know.
and its all still true —
including every.
single.
suicidal.
post.
i wrote before
you knew me —
or while you knew
me, but you didnt know.
i never let anyone in.
i couldnt. i was
too
depressed.
i was too fucking depressed.
to do anything. i was so
fucking. depressed.
and i hope you
know i
dont
take
that
word
lightly.
///
im sorry to those i have hurt while in mania.
im sorry to those i have hurt while depressed.
i am so sorry.
im so sorry.
im not
embarrassed
bc i stand by everything
ive ever said and ever
done bc tbh even
in my most
depressive
state
i
was
still
cracking
mffinuh jokes,
mane. ive said
it a thousand times —
probably literally,
LMFAOOO —
and ill
say
it
again
probably
a million times
more if im
lucky
enough
to remain
alive.
im the funniest person ive ever met,
and i get my humor from
my father. and i have
a really fucking
powerful
voice memo
from a blessed
conversation i had
w my father while in
mania — and maybe
im not ready to
post it.
or
maybe
i am?
not sure there;
so im probably not,
but regardless of the
zany place my mind
seems to be living
in currently,
posting
it is
my
prerogative.
its my choice.
pro choice.
pro the option of abortion —
sorry not sorry.
i may be fiercely
Catholic —
but i am more
so//above anything
else//fiercely pro-people.
i am pro-everyone.
i am so pozzy
even now
when
i
cant
get up
to make
my morning
eggs. its 3PM here
in pittsburgh.
and
i
cant
get
up.
and thats okay.
bc im okay.
and
we’ll
all be
okay so
long as we
communicate
and eat our
breakfasts
and idk
just,
like,
listen to good music
and take our good brain
drugs and stop smoking
weed and work when we
have to and dance when we
feel like it and run or walk
or just be outside when
we can do that. if we
can do that — if we
are physically
and mentally
capable
of
doing
anything.
so long as we
are mentally and
physically and soul-
fully stable, then
we will be free.
sure, i mean,
society
still
sucks
ass sometimes,
but who doesnt?
*actually i do not*
*not that that had to be said, but*
lmao, butt.
butts
are
cool
cool
cool.
but anyway.
im getting healthy.
and im doing it w my
family bc they know whats
good for me when i dont.
and i know that —
always have/
always
will.
bc i may be pro-choice,
but i also have faith.
my family gave
me my faith,
but i walk
my own
path.
i do that.
i do that.
fiercely
and truly.
and you can, too!!
whoever you are.
i have no idea who’s
reading this anymore.
it used to be just
me.
and then i think it was
me and shannon.
or maybe me
and vic.
and then JJ.
and then idk
i just kinda lost
control for a little
bit, and im not
embarrassed —
at all, actually.
im not. and
im sorry
if
i
embarrassed
you somehow.
im so sorry if
youre embarrassed
of me or my poetry
and im just so
sorry. but
Jess, my
friend and
tattoo artist,
gave me a gift
when i saw him
the other day. maybe
the best gift ive
ever been
given —
yeah,
including my Yeti (–
sorry, Shan, you KNOW
HOW MUCH I LOVE
MY PERFECT LIL
YETI LOO!!)
but Jess
Scutella
looked
me
in
the
eyes and
he said, “yeah,
it may be mania —
but it could also just
be you finally
coming
out.”
and my jaw dropped.
ive never felt more seen
by anything in my
entire life,
and
ive
been
seen
a lot.
by friends and otherwise —
again, i have no idea who’s
reading anymore. i dont
check the stats. i
legitimately
do not
care.
i
donut
care. about
anything rn
other than
getting
myself
healthy.
///
and getting back to LA,
too, for sure. no doubt
no doubt no doubt
about any of
that.
i have no doubt.
i only have faith
in myself and those
who know better than
i do in some instances.
everyone has things
to teach me. and
i have a ton
of things
to
teach people! !!!!!
IM
BURSTING
AT THE MFFF
S E A M S
trying
to teach
everytring all
at once — but
thats not
how
people
learn?????
or, at least —
thats not how
i learn. i learn
first and foremost
experientially,
and then
anecdotally,
i think is next.
so maybe i had to
write my mania/
zania/crazia
story
before i
could read it
and learn from it.
im learning every day.
and ill continue to
do so. but id
like a
chance
to slow the
fork down.
maybe a reset
button? sorry i
came in so hot.
im super
new
to
mania.
im super new
to life — bc,
seriously,
my dudes?
im so new.
i feel as though
im new to this
world bc i
can see
all the
sweet
nectar
colors
of love — no,
i could always
see them. and i
talked about them,
but i could never feel.
anything. at. all.
its bonkers
to me
how
depressed
i must have been.
if my mania is
THIS BIG???
shit. why
didnt
i
tell
anyone
how bad it was?
why did i only tell
Shannon that i was
suicidal for two
years. why
didnt
i tell
anyone
anything???
ever????
i didnt know.
bc when youre
THAT depressed?
when youre THAT
S U I C I D A L
day in
and day out??
you put a smile
on just like everyone
else. you fit yourself
right into that
little fuckinggguh
mold
society
build for you —
not with you. and
when you hate yourseld
that deeply??? all the
way to your tree
roots??
you
just
try
to make it through the day.
you just do your best.
and you dont
draw
attention
to yourself
and you maybe
gain, like, mega
weight and you maybe,
like, work three jobs
on campus to
shut the
fucking
voices
inside
your head
telling you
everyone hates you//
you cant wear that, you fat duck//
you cant go to class today//
just smoke and youll feel better//
no one thinks youre funny//
dont tweet that — no one will fav it//
i dont care if peopld dont
“like” me anymore.
bc i love myself.
first and
foremost.
im frfr —
i told you
i dont lie
anymore
even though ive lied a lot in the past.
Sarah Allen — my advisor and
manager for, like, what,
all THREE of my
leadership
positions
on
campus —
looked me in the eyes
at one of our leadership
retreats//in front of
everyone i was
supposed to
be leading
when
i couldnt
lead myself
or do anything
at all//\>
she looked me
in the eyes and she
said “Rae’s a really
good actor.” and, boy,
i think that was the
most seen i’d
ever
felt
prior to what Jess just said to me two days ago.
or was it yesterday?
ugh. i have no
idea what
day
it
is
?
what day is it?
why am i not living
my perfect LA life? ???
oh, yeah. getting
healthy.
im finding my footing so i stop
fucking up my perfect LA life.
bc thats all i want haha —
thats all i want for
everyone. i just
want peace
and love
and
happiness, truly.
unbridled//amazing//
true happiness and
success and
support and
lots and lots
of love. im
sorry if i
hurt/
embarrassed/
drove you away.
im so sorry. it kills
me that i might have
pushed great people
away when i
was
drowning
in
a
world
of
zania mania.
that kills me.
id be fine, definitely,
but i wouldnt be okay
for a long time if i
lost the good
people i
found.
and ive found a ton.
im sorry, everyone.
im just trying
my best.
im just trying.
im just trying
to be healthy —
mind///body///soul.
////
im sorry.
ill show the truck down.
i love you all, yea — even you.
you have this link, don’t you?
im sorry again.
i didnt
mean
to
hurt or
embarrass
anyone, but
especially you.
you have this link, don’t you?
////
thank you for today.
thank you for existing.
///
MAMA NEEDS TO EAT FRFRFR.
EGGS, HERE I CUM BBY!!!!