i stopped at this

very

rest

stop

once

a few years ago

when i was going

home after a

particularly

abusive

week

at mercyhurst

with some really

beautiful people

who were

toxic

for

me.

i pulled over

and sobbed/

cried/

my body shook

harder than

it ever

has

maybe even still.

i dont think ive ever cried as hard as i did in this parking lot 3 or 4 years ago —

time isnt important//

at least in this

instance.

i cried bc i just wanted to be loved.

i pulled over bc i couldnt see

the road

through my tears

and i didnt want to die —

i wasnt suicidal

yet.

i think that was the night i became it,

though.

and after that night

in this same parking lot

at this rest stop

i gained, like,

mega weight.

and i pushed my best friends away —

all two of them LMAO —

and i ran at the man who was

cutting

my

soul

deeper

than i ever thought possible.

but now i see

that he might never have meant to //

maybe

i was hurting myself.

we didnt communicate,

ever —

like, pretty sure not even once

were we on the same page

even though we

melted

together

like

fire

and

rain.

i dont think ill ever stop loving

my past loves

on some

level.

on some level,

mind you.

never in the way that i did —

that ship has sailed,

my dude.

forever.

get out of my face w

that

bullshit.

i have one love interest and thats it,

and i fiercely and firmly

defend those i love //

for the world to see //

for the world to hear //

for the world to love.

///

i walk my path

with ups and downs —

fuck; a lot of them,

but i do not walk alone.

couldnt.

wouldnt.

sure, i have —

or,

at least have felt like i have,

which,

if it feels that way then it is,

you know?

if it feels real

then its real

kinda

i think.

at least, for me.

thats my truth.

but im a heart type //

im a cancer.

im not a cancer —

GUYS, COME ON!!!

IM NOT CANCER TO THE WORLD!!!

all i want is love.

i love love.

thats it.

and i love art

and people

and psychology

and grammar

and religion

and astronomy

and the enneagram

and language

and light

and dark

and up

and down

and triangles

and tree rings

and all trings,

maybe.

i think i love everything in some way/

in one way/

or another.

except styrofoam.

and fast fashion.

and hate.

FUCK HATE.

FUCK YOU IF YOU SPREAD HATE.

FUCK YOU IF YOURE JEALOUS.

FUCK YOU IF YOU PUSH PEOPLE DOWN

TO GET AHEAD OR

TO GET HEAD — FUCK YOU IF YOU

RAPE PEOPLE.

FUCK YOU IF YOU RAPE.

FUCK YOU.

FUCK RAPE.

FUCK HATE.

just fuck you if youre fucking trash.

////

i can see the beauty in everything

and everyone — i promise; i can!!

im so pozzy.

for everyone.

im frfrf no doubt.

sorry i said fuck so much.

but also,

fuck you

if you dont like the word fuck.

i mean, sure —

dont say it.

cool.

cool cool cool.

idgaf what you do.

but fuck you if you try to tell me not to say

fuck.

fuck you if you look down on people.

fuck you if you ride a high horse.

get on my level, ya bushhel of hate.

fuck your hate.

my love will win.

love will always win

bc love is pure.

love is so pure.

and safe!!!!

love is safe!!!

and equal!!!

and true!!!

love can be you,

too,

if you just

mash/

grind/

SMEAR

HATE

INTO THE MF CARPET.

sorry i said fuck so much,

mom.

but also?

im not.

just sorry you read it,

i guess.

but also?

yw

////

FUCK HATE.

GO LIVERPOOL.

I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT SPORTS.

OORAH.