my dad always hated
when my three
brothers and
i ever
and
always
asked him,
“where’s mom?”
i’d never understood
that
until
today.
i never did.
i never saw it, and it
breaks my heart that
ive hurt my dad in the past.
it crushes me that i’d never
seen — i wasnt able to
see yet — how deeply
i probably cut him
bc my brothers and
i out of habit and
out of fear or anxiety
or whatever (— i dont know
that answer yet, and
thats okay bc i am okay)
— out of habit,
when my brothers and i
were looking for an
answer
and we saw
our father,
our first question
was not:
“hey, dad!!
can you help me?”
it was:
“where’s
mom?”
/////
im sorry, pa.
Lord, am i so incredibly
sorry for not seeing you.
i never saw you until now.
i never truly saw anyone
until now
bc i had never been able
to feel love until now,
and i recognize that
that sentiment might not
mean much to some of
you right now and thats
okay bc youre okay bc
we’re okay
but, in time — if you let me;
if you WANT to let me
and you WANT me to tell you,
(bc i dont want to talk to
people who dont want to talk
to me) (and i dont hate on those
who dont want to talk to me!!!)
(i truly dont hate on anyone bc i
see myself in everyone, and i
love myself unconditionally)
(hey — gabrielle. dont talk
at people who dont want
to listen to you bc youre worth
waaaaay MORE than that.
please respect yourself and
see that. please love yourself
and see that. i love you and i
love me and i just really want you
to love you [and me, duhhh])
but anyway — #sorrynotsorry
that i go on so many tangents.
maybe you could learn a thing
or two just as i can and definitely
WILL from you so long as you
want to let me. bc so long as
you want to love yourself; i
want to love you equally so.
////
pa —
im sorry
if that question:
“where’s mom?”
made you feel unheard/unseen/
lesser than/under-valued/
unloved.
dad, please know that i have
ALWAYS loved you even when
i couldnt feel anything at all.
please know that, even if
not everything makes sense
just yet. please trust in your
daughter as she has blindly
and truly trusted and followed
you since she sprayed shit
all over her nursery room wall
when you were changing her
diaper (lmaooo your life
literally sucks, dad, hahahah
IM KIDDING; IM KIDDING —
chill. i told you im funny,
remember? remember i told
you that? im funny. thats
important to me bc i feel
seen when i make people
laugh, and i love to be seen —
just like everyone else, as
equals. and i LOVE to laugh
at other people’s jokes, too!!
i loVE TO LAUGH AND THOUGH
IVE LAUGHED MY WHOLE LIFE
IVE MOSTLY LAUGHED ONLY
AT MY OWN JOKes bc i was
the only person i loved before
i could love everyone. and in
writing that i hope youll start
to see the irony in that bc
if im being real w myself
and you
which i PROMISE TO ALWAYS
BE REAL. I PROMISE YOU. I AM
A PERSON JUST AS EQUAL TO
YOU NO MATTER WHAT YOUR
NAME IS — my name is just rae.
well, stingrae w a lil bit of sting
and a lil bit of 666 and 999
just the same. my name is just
rae, and even if i dont know
your name exactly just yet? i
will. i absolutely will, and im
so so sooOoO SO excited to
meet you personally, you.
im so excited. my excitement
sends me (just fugginn send it!!)
into mania bc it makes me so.
friggen. excited. that one day
ill get to meet YOU. and see
the beauty in your eyes and
your art and your pain and your
heart and yeah that maybe
sounded gay but
gay is NOT a bad thing.
that may have rhymed,
but it was a happy rhyme.
gay is a happy rhyme. i love
being gay even though i am
straight as a boardwalk, and i
followed that boardwalk all the
way to my gay ass fuckkinnnuh
friends. i just love my gay ass
friends even when theyre gay
and straight or crooked or
biLARIOUS or TQIA+ (am i
missing anybody, vic? youre
so good at checking me when
im missing someone in the
LOVE (pride?) (ally?) community —
wait, what do you guys call
yourselves? sorry, i dont know ALL
the lingo ALL the time lmaooo
i may talk a lot and read a lot
and learn a lot, but i dont know
everything. i am capable of
knowing everything, but im only
22 3/4!!!! how the fork am i to
know everything!! hey, please
be patient
w me.
i require patience, too —
just like you. we both do —
equally and so equally
truly, you and i and
i and you.
hey. thanks for being you,
whoever you are. thank
you for being you.
thanks, you.
///
oh, right —
but anyway. yeah i super
apparently (i was there
but i wasnt THERE if u know
what i mean) (and if you
dont know, soon youll know
bigger) shit all over
my wall this one time
when my mom and dad
were changing
my diaper — like all over
it, apparently, like it
sounds gross lmaoo,
and that’s hilarious.
hilarious and gross,
but both just the
same. and im
glad i didnt
have to clean
my shit off the
wall then but im
an adult(ish) now,
and i have to take
ownership for my shit.
ownershit.
OWN YOUR SHIT.
GROW, YOU DUCK HEAD.
GROW/LEARN/REMEMBER.
grow///learn///remember.
////
im pretty/funny and youre
pretty/funny and a whole
bunch of other stuff, too,
im sURE bc everyone is
soooOOOo much and
no one is just one
sting.
////
but anyway,
i love you, pa.
thanks for believing in
me when i couldnt believe
in myself. thanks for
loving me when i couldnt
find love in myself even
though — dad, im serious,
i have always loved you
so, so, sososooss much!!!
no matter what, please
know that. its really important
to me that you know that bc
youre that important to me.
i love you, boppi — now
more than ever, sure, but
that doesnt negate any
love i knew i had for
you in the past.
thank you for reading.
thank you for existing.
thank you for giving me life.
thank you for giving me love.
thank you for giving me
everything/ive/ever/wanted/
needed/craved/asked for —
except for my Yeti cooler.
my shan ban got me that.
but thank you, dad, for
everything else.
(and, mom, youre equally
in this poem except i already
wrote about you, and dad
needs/wants/deserves
the spotlight, too.)
(just like you)
////
REMEMBER TO SEND ME
YR SHIT SO I CAN PUT
YOU IN THE SPOTLIGHT.
THIS IS YOUR PLATFORM
JUST AS MUCH AS MINE.
USE IT. LISTEN TO IT.
LISTEN TO YOURSELF,
DAMMIT AND SEND ME
YOUR STORY. AND IF
YOU COME AT ME WITH
THE LAME ASS “meeehhh
im boring bleeeh i dont have
a story meeehh” then literally
i will take a pair of shears and
shove them in your throat and
rake them down the front
of your torso and watch you
bleed.
bleed for me, biiiiotch.
bleed for the world to see.
THERES NOTHING WRONG
W BLEEDING —
HEY, FUCKWADS —
PEOPLE W VAGINAS
GET PERIODS. DEAL W IT.
GIVE ME A TAMPON AND
ASK FOR NOTHING IN
RETURN, YOU SADISTIC
FUCKING ASSHOLE.
sorry. i just really feel
strongly that if we give
people their basic needs
for free (bc they deserve
them — everyone does!!)
you deserve everything,
and youll get it if you work
for it, but first you need
to take care of your
basic needs.
////
okay, wait.
shhut up.
yeah thats all really great
and im sure dad will
hopefully really see
the beauty in this,
(and the random
tampon tangent????
idk??? it just came out
and im not erasing it??
idc??? idk???
sorry not sorry????
it can be random
and true at the
same time??)
BUUUUUT rae,
hey —
home girl.
my main biiish —
listen to yourself.
youre writing to yourself rn.
youre so tired.
youre exhausted.
give yourself
a mf well-deserved
break, mane. SLEEEEP
and then go run w your
dad or biKE OMG GO
BIKE W YOUR DAD!!!!!
(hey, dad — can you
put air in my bike
tires ahahhaa
and also would you
be up for a bike
ride w me soon?)
RAEEEEE COME ON —
THATS GREAT AND ALL
BUt you have to sleep first.
you have to sleep first.
YOU HAVE TO
SLEEP.
FIRST.
WHAT THE FORK DONT
YOU UNDERSTAND
ABOUT THAT YOU
LOONY AZZ
LEMON HEAD? ?????
ugh. youre okay, rae.
rae, youre okay.
you can def bike, but
only after you sleep, you
forking idiot. sleep.
shut up. put the phone down —
DUDE COME ON ARE U SERIOUS
STOP FEEDING INTO YOUR
MANIA WHEN YOU NEED
TO FEED YOURSELF.
bring it back.
low and slow.
we have time.
we have time.
we have time.
ask for help.
you need some help.
you need some help.
you may have meds,
but you need some more
help, too.
great.
okay.
there we go.
nice deep breath.
nice!!!! rae!!! my girl!!!
youre DOING JT!!!!
youre doing it.
youre just doing your
best just like everyone else.
but you cant save the world
until you save yourself.
and you cant save yourself
until you see Marc and Carrie.
(my amazing healers)
(im team psychologist +
psychiatrist + self + trust
+ leap/catch + breathe +
listen + learn + teach +
self care + water + kale +
writing = we are okay)
(lmk your equation)
(raepollock@outlook.com)
nice job, homie.
you can do this.
you fuggin got this.
and listen!!
sometimes before you
can “got this” and
before you can be okay —
you gotta retrace your steps
and go home for a bit.
////
im sorry im having so
much trouble right now
but i cant sleep until i get
everything out —
i think thats where my
obsessive/complusive
tendencies come in
(obviously mixed
w my mania bc
im a melting
gurgling
bubbling
BABBLING RAE)
ugh, fuck. sorry.
im working on it.
im working on this.
im working on me,
and for me to be
able to sleep,
i have to
get
it
all
out.
uGH.
my head hurts.
im really fucking tired.
okay.
rae —
go if you have to
but plEASE SHUT UP
SOON ————//////—-
dad? you still there?
sorry i legiterally never
shut the legit literal
freak the fruck up.
sorry i never stop talking —
#sorrynotsorry.
but you already knew that
bc youve had to put up w
me for the last 22 3/4 years
and youll have to put up w
me for the rest of eternity
lmaooooOoOo your life
bloWSSS jkjkjkj life can
be hard/frustrating/
ANNOYING WHEN
YOUR FRIGGEN DAUGHTER
NEVER SHUTS UP ahahhaa
but its never. ever. friggen.
bad. life is what you make
it, my dude. life is what you
make it, my dad. and youve
made my life so amazing.
and i never shut the f up
so ill keep telling you that
even when i dont HAVE
to bc it makes me happy
when i can tell you things
and feel them bc ive
never been able
to do that
before.
///
thanks for
supporting me
now when i cant
support myself
all the time.
bc i cant!!! do
you see these ups
and downs!! im
so
up
and
down all the time its really fucking hard
to be this up and down all the time
sometimes it feels like my brain is going
to explode bc im just so excited to get
out there and do it all and see it all
and meet everybody in the whole world
and see everyones beauty and heal the
world of hate bc i CAN DO THAT AND I
WILL DO THAT SO LONG AS PEOPLE WANT
TO HELP ME AS EQUALS AND AS ONE
bc thats the key.
no, thats A key.
thats a key.
there are lots
of keys and we’ll keep
finding them so long
as we keep working
together and communicating
and loving each other and just
being so super open and
inviting and loving w one
another.
and i dont care how gay
i sound rn bc gay is
nothing to be scared of.
i have no fear.
i am unafraid
bc i am okay.
we have no fear.
we am unafraid
bc we are okay.
we are okay.
we are.
oorah.
////
my dad.
my dude.
im exhausted.
i need to come home.
rae, come the f home.
dad, thanks for
bringing me
home.
///
its okay if we hurt our
father so long as we
apologize and
cry
out
for forgiveness
and learn and
walk forward
together.
equally.
im sorry, pa.
i see you now
more than ever,
and i cant WAIT to
keep understanding
you better and learning
alongside you.
i cant friggen wait.
and thats why i cant sleep
rn — AWEEE, RAEE!!!
YOURE SO SWEET.
GODDAMNIT.
you really do love too hard
bahaha amslsoodoooo
youre so loving.
youre so loving.
youre so loving.
and thats cool cool cool.
(everyone is even if
they cant see it yet.)
youre so loving,
rae,
(insert yr name here),
but in order to love
others, you must
first love yourself.
and in order to
love yourself,
you have to
take care
of yourself.
and in order to
do that, you have
to sleep. okay. now.
shut the fuck up and
sleep, rae, and dad?
thank you for your
forgiveness and
unconditional love.
i will always return
the favor.
////
GUYS, MAMA IS COMING
HOME TO PITTSBURGH!!!
but dont you worry!!!!
ill be back in LA soon.
i promise. I PROMISE!!
I CANT WAIT TO COME
BACK TO LA BC MY LIFE
IS IN LA NOW but my
home is in pgh rn bc
my family is in pgh
rn and i need my
family to be home.
i need both life and
family. i need both
me and life and fam
bc they all make me
stronger
than
just
one.
(shan ban, u readin’ dis?)
(ily shan)
(ily dad)
(ily gab)
(ily rae)
(ily bed)
bed!!!!!!
🤠🤠
///
sheesh.
guess i had to get a lot out.
thanks for letting me
talk that out, fam.
thanks, pa.
can u make sure
my tires have
air in them?
lmaooo
i wanna ride
my bike later
(w you if you can/
want to!!!!!)
and i cant do that
unless i have air
in my mf tires.
(love u Fuji)
(love u dad)
(love u rae)
ok, bed.
now i love u 2
I AM OKAY.
OORAH.
///
and i get my humor from my dad.
thats important.
