i understand now why

my dad always hated

when my three

brothers and

i ever

and

always

asked him,

“where’s mom?”

i’d never understood

that

until

today.

i never did.

i never saw it, and it

breaks my heart that

ive hurt my dad in the past.

it crushes me that i’d never

seen — i wasnt able to

see yet — how deeply

i probably cut him

bc my brothers and

i out of habit and

out of fear or anxiety

or whatever (— i dont know

that answer yet, and

thats okay bc i am okay)

— out of habit,

when my brothers and i

were looking for an

answer

and we saw

our father,

our first question

was not:

“hey, dad!!

can you help me?”

it was:

“where’s

mom?”

/////

im sorry, pa.

Lord, am i so incredibly

sorry for not seeing you.

i never saw you until now.

i never truly saw anyone

until now

bc i had never been able

to feel love until now,

and i recognize that

that sentiment might not

mean much to some of

you right now and thats

okay bc youre okay bc

we’re okay

but, in time — if you let me;

if you WANT to let me

and you WANT me to tell you,

(bc i dont want to talk to

people who dont want to talk

to me) (and i dont hate on those

who dont want to talk to me!!!)

(i truly dont hate on anyone bc i

see myself in everyone, and i

love myself unconditionally)

(hey — gabrielle. dont talk

at people who dont want

to listen to you bc youre worth

waaaaay MORE than that.

please respect yourself and

see that. please love yourself

and see that. i love you and i

love me and i just really want you

to love you [and me, duhhh])

but anyway — #sorrynotsorry

that i go on so many tangents.

maybe you could learn a thing

or two just as i can and definitely

WILL from you so long as you

want to let me. bc so long as

you want to love yourself; i

want to love you equally so.

////

pa —

im sorry

if that question:

“where’s mom?”

made you feel unheard/unseen/

lesser than/under-valued/

unloved.

dad, please know that i have

ALWAYS loved you even when

i couldnt feel anything at all.

please know that, even if

not everything makes sense

just yet. please trust in your

daughter as she has blindly

and truly trusted and followed

you since she sprayed shit

all over her nursery room wall

when you were changing her

diaper (lmaooo your life

literally sucks, dad, hahahah

IM KIDDING; IM KIDDING —

chill. i told you im funny,

remember? remember i told

you that? im funny. thats

important to me bc i feel

seen when i make people

laugh, and i love to be seen —

just like everyone else, as

equals. and i LOVE to laugh

at other people’s jokes, too!!

i loVE TO LAUGH AND THOUGH

IVE LAUGHED MY WHOLE LIFE

IVE MOSTLY LAUGHED ONLY

AT MY OWN JOKes bc i was

the only person i loved before

i could love everyone. and in

writing that i hope youll start

to see the irony in that bc

if im being real w myself

and you

which i PROMISE TO ALWAYS

BE REAL. I PROMISE YOU. I AM

A PERSON JUST AS EQUAL TO

YOU NO MATTER WHAT YOUR

NAME IS — my name is just rae.

well, stingrae w a lil bit of sting

and a lil bit of 666 and 999

just the same. my name is just

rae, and even if i dont know

your name exactly just yet? i

will. i absolutely will, and im

so so sooOoO SO excited to

meet you personally, you.

im so excited. my excitement

sends me (just fugginn send it!!)

into mania bc it makes me so.

friggen. excited. that one day

ill get to meet YOU. and see

the beauty in your eyes and

your art and your pain and your

heart and yeah that maybe

sounded gay but

gay is NOT a bad thing.

that may have rhymed,

but it was a happy rhyme.

gay is a happy rhyme. i love

being gay even though i am

straight as a boardwalk, and i

followed that boardwalk all the

way to my gay ass fuckkinnnuh

friends. i just love my gay ass

friends even when theyre gay

and straight or crooked or

biLARIOUS or TQIA+ (am i

missing anybody, vic? youre

so good at checking me when

im missing someone in the

LOVE (pride?) (ally?) community —

wait, what do you guys call

yourselves? sorry, i dont know ALL

the lingo ALL the time lmaooo

i may talk a lot and read a lot

and learn a lot, but i dont know

everything. i am capable of

knowing everything, but im only

22 3/4!!!! how the fork am i to

know everything!! hey, please

be patient

w me.

i require patience, too —

just like you. we both do —

equally and so equally

truly, you and i and

i and you.

hey. thanks for being you,

whoever you are. thank

you for being you.

thanks, you.

///

oh, right —

but anyway. yeah i super

apparently (i was there

but i wasnt THERE if u know

what i mean) (and if you

dont know, soon youll know

bigger) shit all over

my wall this one time

when my mom and dad

were changing

my diaper — like all over

it, apparently, like it

sounds gross lmaoo,

and that’s hilarious.

hilarious and gross,

but both just the

same. and im

glad i didnt

have to clean

my shit off the

wall then but im

an adult(ish) now,

and i have to take

ownership for my shit.

ownershit.

OWN YOUR SHIT.

GROW, YOU DUCK HEAD.

GROW/LEARN/REMEMBER.

grow///learn///remember.

////

im pretty/funny and youre

pretty/funny and a whole

bunch of other stuff, too,

im sURE bc everyone is

soooOOOo much and

no one is just one

sting.

////

but anyway,

i love you, pa.

thanks for believing in

me when i couldnt believe

in myself. thanks for

loving me when i couldnt

find love in myself even

though — dad, im serious,

i have always loved you

so, so, sososooss much!!!

no matter what, please

know that. its really important

to me that you know that bc

youre that important to me.

i love you, boppi — now

more than ever, sure, but

that doesnt negate any

love i knew i had for

you in the past.

thank you for reading.

thank you for existing.

thank you for giving me life.

thank you for giving me love.

thank you for giving me

everything/ive/ever/wanted/

needed/craved/asked for —

except for my Yeti cooler.

my shan ban got me that.

but thank you, dad, for

everything else.

(and, mom, youre equally

in this poem except i already

wrote about you, and dad

needs/wants/deserves

the spotlight, too.)

(just like you)

////

REMEMBER TO SEND ME

YR SHIT SO I CAN PUT

YOU IN THE SPOTLIGHT.

THIS IS YOUR PLATFORM

JUST AS MUCH AS MINE.

USE IT. LISTEN TO IT.

LISTEN TO YOURSELF,

DAMMIT AND SEND ME

YOUR STORY. AND IF

YOU COME AT ME WITH

THE LAME ASS “meeehhh

im boring bleeeh i dont have

a story meeehh” then literally

i will take a pair of shears and

shove them in your throat and

rake them down the front

of your torso and watch you

bleed.

bleed for me, biiiiotch.

bleed for the world to see.

THERES NOTHING WRONG

W BLEEDING —

HEY, FUCKWADS —

PEOPLE W VAGINAS

GET PERIODS. DEAL W IT.

GIVE ME A TAMPON AND

ASK FOR NOTHING IN

RETURN, YOU SADISTIC

FUCKING ASSHOLE.

sorry. i just really feel

strongly that if we give

people their basic needs

for free (bc they deserve

them — everyone does!!)

you deserve everything,

and youll get it if you work

for it, but first you need

to take care of your

basic needs.

////

okay, wait.

shhut up.

yeah thats all really great

and im sure dad will

hopefully really see

the beauty in this,

(and the random

tampon tangent????

idk??? it just came out

and im not erasing it??

idc??? idk???

sorry not sorry????

it can be random

and true at the

same time??)

BUUUUUT rae,

hey —

home girl.

my main biiish —

listen to yourself.

youre writing to yourself rn.

youre so tired.

youre exhausted.

give yourself

a mf well-deserved

break, mane. SLEEEEP

and then go run w your

dad or biKE OMG GO

BIKE W YOUR DAD!!!!!

(hey, dad — can you

put air in my bike

tires ahahhaa

and also would you

be up for a bike

ride w me soon?)

RAEEEEE COME ON —

THATS GREAT AND ALL

BUt you have to sleep first.

you have to sleep first.

YOU HAVE TO

SLEEP.

FIRST.

WHAT THE FORK DONT

YOU UNDERSTAND

ABOUT THAT YOU

LOONY AZZ

LEMON HEAD? ?????

ugh. youre okay, rae.

rae, youre okay.

you can def bike, but

only after you sleep, you

forking idiot. sleep.

shut up. put the phone down —

DUDE COME ON ARE U SERIOUS

STOP FEEDING INTO YOUR

MANIA WHEN YOU NEED

TO FEED YOURSELF.

bring it back.

low and slow.

we have time.

we have time.

we have time.

ask for help.

you need some help.

you need some help.

you may have meds,

but you need some more

help, too.

great.

okay.

there we go.

nice deep breath.

nice!!!! rae!!! my girl!!!

youre DOING JT!!!!

youre doing it.

youre just doing your

best just like everyone else.

but you cant save the world

until you save yourself.

and you cant save yourself

until you see Marc and Carrie.

(my amazing healers)

(im team psychologist +

psychiatrist + self + trust

+ leap/catch + breathe +

listen + learn + teach +

self care + water + kale +

writing = we are okay)

(lmk your equation)

(raepollock@outlook.com)

(@stingrae666)

nice job, homie.

you can do this.

you fuggin got this.

and listen!!

sometimes before you

can “got this” and

before you can be okay —

you gotta retrace your steps

and go home for a bit.

////

im sorry im having so

much trouble right now

but i cant sleep until i get

everything out —

i think thats where my

obsessive/complusive

tendencies come in

(obviously mixed

w my mania bc

im a melting

gurgling

bubbling

BABBLING RAE)

ugh, fuck. sorry.

im working on it.

im working on this.

im working on me,

and for me to be

able to sleep,

i have to

get

it

all

out.

uGH.

my head hurts.

im really fucking tired.

okay.

rae —

go if you have to

but plEASE SHUT UP

SOON ————//////—-

dad? you still there?

sorry i legiterally never

shut the legit literal

freak the fruck up.

sorry i never stop talking —

#sorrynotsorry.

but you already knew that

bc youve had to put up w

me for the last 22 3/4 years

and youll have to put up w

me for the rest of eternity

lmaooooOoOo your life

bloWSSS jkjkjkj life can

be hard/frustrating/

ANNOYING WHEN

YOUR FRIGGEN DAUGHTER

NEVER SHUTS UP ahahhaa

but its never. ever. friggen.

bad. life is what you make

it, my dude. life is what you

make it, my dad. and youve

made my life so amazing.

and i never shut the f up

so ill keep telling you that

even when i dont HAVE

to bc it makes me happy

when i can tell you things

and feel them bc ive

never been able

to do that

before.

///

thanks for

supporting me

now when i cant

support myself

all the time.

bc i cant!!! do

you see these ups

and downs!! im

so

up

and

down all the time its really fucking hard

to be this up and down all the time

sometimes it feels like my brain is going

to explode bc im just so excited to get

out there and do it all and see it all

and meet everybody in the whole world

and see everyones beauty and heal the

world of hate bc i CAN DO THAT AND I

WILL DO THAT SO LONG AS PEOPLE WANT

TO HELP ME AS EQUALS AND AS ONE

bc thats the key.

no, thats A key.

thats a key.

there are lots

of keys and we’ll keep

finding them so long

as we keep working

together and communicating

and loving each other and just

being so super open and

inviting and loving w one

another.

and i dont care how gay

i sound rn bc gay is

nothing to be scared of.

i have no fear.

i am unafraid

bc i am okay.

we have no fear.

we am unafraid

bc we are okay.

we are okay.

we are.

oorah.

////

my dad.

my dude.

im exhausted.

i need to come home.

rae, come the f home.

dad, thanks for

bringing me

home.

///

its okay if we hurt our

father so long as we

apologize and

cry

out

for forgiveness

and learn and

walk forward

together.

equally.

im sorry, pa.

i see you now

more than ever,

and i cant WAIT to

keep understanding

you better and learning

alongside you.

i cant friggen wait.

and thats why i cant sleep

rn — AWEEE, RAEE!!!

YOURE SO SWEET.

GODDAMNIT.

you really do love too hard

bahaha amslsoodoooo

youre so loving.

youre so loving.

youre so loving.

and thats cool cool cool.

(everyone is even if

they cant see it yet.)

youre so loving,

rae,

(insert yr name here),

but in order to love

others, you must

first love yourself.

and in order to

love yourself,

you have to

take care

of yourself.

and in order to

do that, you have

to sleep. okay. now.

shut the fuck up and

sleep, rae, and dad?

thank you for your

forgiveness and

unconditional love.

i will always return

the favor.

////

GUYS, MAMA IS COMING

HOME TO PITTSBURGH!!!

but dont you worry!!!!

ill be back in LA soon.

i promise. I PROMISE!!

I CANT WAIT TO COME

BACK TO LA BC MY LIFE

IS IN LA NOW but my

home is in pgh rn bc

my family is in pgh

rn and i need my

family to be home.

i need both life and

family. i need both

me and life and fam

bc they all make me

stronger

than

just

one.

(shan ban, u readin’ dis?)

(ily shan)

(ily dad)

(ily gab)

(ily rae)

(ily bed)

bed!!!!!!

🤠🤠

///

sheesh.

guess i had to get a lot out.

thanks for letting me

talk that out, fam.

thanks, pa.

can u make sure

my tires have

air in them?

lmaooo

i wanna ride

my bike later

(w you if you can/

want to!!!!!)

and i cant do that

unless i have air

in my mf tires.

(love u Fuji)

(love u dad)

(love u rae)

ok, bed.

now i love u 2

I AM OKAY.

OORAH.

///

and i get my humor from my dad.

thats important.

i understand now why

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