today johnny j said he knew tim and i never would have worked bc tim makes relationships more about himself than the other person. jj said tim would have depleted me every day of my life had i let him, and i know he was speaking truth when he said that. jj said i am capable of giving so insanely much that i would only be happy w someone who was a) capable of (which, for starters, rules out like 98% of the human population i’m pretty sure but also im bad at math so thats just a stab in the dark) and b) willing to give me the same in return. how fucking powerful. jj can see me.
i know i’m a lot. i know i give a lot. i know i want a lot — i want the whole goddamn world, and i’m going to follow whatever i follow until i find it idc
and i almost let tim destroy me. i almost let him effectively ruin my life and any chance i had of attaining genuine, lifelong happiness. he was toxic for me and wrong for me and he never heard me — he was never willing to just. fucking. listen. he couldn’t break his ego, and he couldn’t see past himself, and i feel bad for him bc im a good person and i genuinely want everyone to find love and happiness.
but thank God something always felt just a little off or timing just never worked out or whatever it was — there were so many signs, truly. i was so blind. i was trying so desperately to force an image when really all i had to do was fucking relax
REMEMBER THAT, RAE. JUST FUCKING RELAX AND THINGS WILL COME. THINGS WILL FLOW AND MOVE AS THEY SHOULD AND YOU WILL BE OKAY.
lord, i’m exhausted. i feel like i’ve done a life’s worth of learning in about a week OH, WAIT, I LITERALLY HAVE hahah aahhahha hah my head hurts i should drink water
just seriously thank God for the universe and for timing and for me just fucking following whatever it is i’ve been following–
thank God for a lot of things.
thank you, God. thank you, Universe. i always said life was beautiful, but i never knew how insanely beautiful it actually is. i’ve never viewed it as a gift before bc my depression always felt like a curse.
here’s a check for myself: i never want to make another “i wanna kill myself” joke again. i never want to want to kill myself again. i never want to be in that place again, but if i find myself there, then i want to be able to find my way back.
“leave yourself breadcrumbs so you can follow them back if you get lost” – kathleen; what an angel, truly.
johnny also said he thinks the secret to a successful relationship is that its mutually positive — there are so many people in one-sided relationships, wow. and ive been lucky enough to be miserable on both sides. and both sides suck a whole fucking lot. and both sides feel wrong and sad even when theyre coated in a superficial seal of something
until it feels right. until its no longer “sides” but reading the same page.
and, boy, does it feel right. wow.
“i feel so seen” — vic said that for the first time last month, and i think that’s a big part of what helped me break through. i’m such a visual person its insane.
and i always want to remember that insecurity kills, not curiosity — at least for me. curiosity has lead me here, and insecurity had systematically held be back.
it was so cool to hear johnny for the first time. its so cool. he’s so clear. he sees so much. he’s such an endlessly good person. he sounds so happy with savannah — i can’t wait until they visit.
i’m free. finally. DO YOU HEAR ME, WORLD? I FUCKING OWNED THAT SHIT. I FUCKING OWNED THAT. I’M FUCKING FREE BC I WORKED MY ASS OFF TO GET HERE.
im free of tim, though i’ll always be thankful for what my past loves taught me. bc my past loves and my past failures and my past experiences have all lead me here — where i know in my heart of hearts and soul of souls i’m supposed to be. this is my path. im free.
im here, finally, bc i fought like hell to be here.
im here, finally, bc i want to be.
im here, finally. wow.
i’m so happy — for the first time.