when i breathe in i breathe through a million pinpricks covering the face of my body its cold and i love it

when youre sad that time is passing by,

it means you don’t want what you’re doing to end.

how cool is that?

you’re enjoying what you’re doing so much so that you wish you were stuck there — stuck in that moment.

no, we shouldn’t dwell on the time actually passing or stress about what’s after the ‘now’ or worry that the moment is ending soon [bc that forces us out of the moment and drives anxiety], but i think recognizing the moments we wish would last forever is a cool check.

breathe it in. love it. bask in it.

note it — what makes you feel this way? how cool is it that you feel this way?

breathe it in. love it. bask in it.

smile.

when i breathe in i breathe through a million pinpricks covering the face of my body its cold and i love it

what the FORK

even now — thinking logistically — i fall back into the “no, i can’t.”

why not?

dad did!

he re-painted how everyone sees and has seen him. he re-branded himself, and he set the tone for how people view him. no one is thinking, “oh, matt, he’s in really good shape now. he must be going through something. ew, he looks so good now. he used to look so pudgy — who’s he trying to fool? who’s he trying to be? he was never like that. he’s so fit now — what was he doing with his life beforehand? if he can be so fit now, why was he so big before?”

like, what??????

THAT’s YOUR LOGIC????

THAT’s BEEN WHAT’S HOLDING YOU BACK?

oh, my god. i’m going to fucking kill you. you’re such a fucking branding freak.

GET OUT THERE!!! LETS FEEL LIKE THE PERSON WE’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO FEEL LIKE!!! THE PERSON WE’VE ALWAYS BEEN!!!

jesus, what a fucking crazy thing to think through. you fucking got this, dude. this is the revelation that changed how you feel for the rest of your life.

let’s get skinny. let’s get fit. let’s find our skin.

what the FORK

re-paint the past

i can change my story.

i can start re-writing it.

nothing has been set in stone —

except personality,

which,

you’ve established so well.

and so genuinely.

and you’re so loved.

but you can be anything you want to be!

you’re not stagnant.

‘you’re not a tree.’

you can change how people see you.

you can change the image you project

into the world.

you can alter their minds.

they’ll forget —

just like dad.

you can replace what they know —

if you work hard.

if you stick to it.

RAE, you can change it all.

you can start over.

you can paint the picture

you’ve always been trying to paint.

my most personal art.

make them notice.

make them re-think.

make them go, “huh.”

make it happen.

you can do it,

and you’ve always been able to.

you just haven’t realized

that you can re-paint the past.

you can start over

on the foot you want to.

you can fundamentally change your image

and everyone will have to comply.

they’ll have no choice.

you have the power!

you’re 22.

let’s finally start living the way we want to.

your life is literally only beginning.

22 and you figured it out.

you can change.

you can be what you want to be.

re-paint the past

drums and computers

i cant settle down.

my heart is throbbing.

i cant pinpoint whats throwing me off;

whats throwing me here.

whats throwing me here?

my heart is a steady, loud

drum beat marching my body

into more and more anxiety —

it gets faster when i think about it.

breathe in.

breathe out.

what’s causing this?

why is this happening?

youre okay.

something is off.

im running on high.

i dont have full use of my brain —

you know how when a computer overheats

it starts whirring and whining

and doing anything takes forever?

i feel like my brain is running so hard

in the background that

when i try to think it takes such a long time.

i’m running on a really high frequency.

my internal drummer is getting louder.

i couldnt sleep.

is my body giving up?

i’m 140.6 today — i cant wait to get into the 30s.

i will get into the 30s.

i feel pretty sick.

i might puke.

drums and computers

why are you having anxiety?

youre okay.

the joint believes and loves you.

you havent done a single thing wrong!

you’ll clean the apartment this weekend.

or dont. whatever.

stop stressing.

get better.

youre okay.

do the loan thing tomorrow if you can!

only if you can.

you can only do what you can.

youre okay.

heart skipping rocks —

rings flowing through my body.

pulsing.

my heart is rocking my body

steadily.

im lying in it.

its consuming me.

nauseous.

dont make yourself more sick.

come back.

stop.

stop.

breathe — youre not breathing.

youre okay.

you have a day off tomorrow.

enjoy it!

take it easy.

be nice to yourself.

why isn’t this feeling going away?

i was there

it wasn’t just you.

it wasn’t only you.

it was me, too —

and i can say that.

i could have taken the reins —

no, dude,

you know what?

i couldn’t.

we both know i couldn’t.

i needed you.

i needed you,

and you were gone

until the second you needed me

a year fucking later.

fuck you, dude.

fuck you so fucking bad.

you made me lose trust in people.

you made me lose trust in life.

you made me lose all trust in myself.

you did that.

you were there.

i was drowning/

spinning/

alone

and you had the control.

you always have the control.

//

why the fuck was i waiting

for these shitty fucking people

who were using me for their own

pleasure/

image/

game? maybe?

i don’t understand it.

i can’t speak for what you were doing

because i’m not wired like that.

i’m not wired to be a cunt.

i don’t know what you were doing.

i don’t know what you were thinking —

i can’t even begin to understand it.

i do know you could have been there for me,

you selfish, fucking coward.

you could have helped me through

depression/

heartbreak/

suicidal thoughts,

like a best friend does,

but you walked away.

after you said —

you. said. —

you’d always be there.

i was there and

you said that.

//

and the funny thing?

you didn’t even notice you left me.

you didn’t even care —

and don’t you dare fucking say that you did.

i was there.

and you could not be bothered.

not even in the slightest.

you had me right where you wanted me

until you didn’t want me anymore.

//

i’m sorry.

i didn’t know i was mad at you.

oddly enough,

i was never mad at you

when we weren’t friends,

because i was at such a loss.

such an utter loss.

i couldn’t be mad because

i couldn’t even keep my head above water.

i couldn’t be mad because

i didn’t know what you took from me.

you’d have known i wasn’t mad then

had you checked in

even once.

had you even thought to.

but, now, i am mad.

i’m so mad.

because i’ve only just realized

you permanently damaged me.

i’m here

and i know that.

//

with the help of people who

do care for me and

have been there time and time again,

i’ve only just started healing

the wounds you gouged into

my thighs,

my psyche,

my fucking heart, dude.

we should talk.

//

i was there