i just passed out on the bathroom floor and now i can literally only go up from here!! :)


im so into this,” i text vic lazily. my legs are taught with my feet firmly planted against the cool, wet tile walls — the pressure feels good in my legs. my toenails are chipped but bright blue.

my spine tweaks as my bones roll over the bottom of the tub when i lay back against the headrest.

i’m such a typical young person texting that to my best friend from the tub in the afternoon. everyone’s on their phones all the time — that’s just how it is. i’m excited for my new phone.

alright, time to get out.

i bend my knees and somewhat begrudgingly curl my toes under the drain to release the suction — it doesn’t work if you just push down on it like you’re supposed to; you have to break the seal and then push down.

i lay back as the belly starts to drain. i’m ready to get out and eat some food. i run my hands down my torso and grab onto my bony, bruised hips. i slowly curve my spine and rake my eyes down the sight of my excavated gut and —

ow, my back. what’s that bump? it feels raw but like its on the inside? and on the outside, too, i guess.

i sit the rest of the way up and, in one swift motion, i stand from the water. before i stick my foot out, i notice my pen lying on the bath mat

i don’t know if bending down to pick this up with my hand will keep it any more dry than just stepping over it, but — oh, yeah that was pretty dry. there were only like two drops —

i stand up and set my pen on the toilet as i step up and over the bath wall.

i catch my eye harshly in the mirror — i stood up pretty quickly. i’ve been getting really lightheaded — i’d better—

okay, yep. lightheaded. dizzy. focusing focusing focusing. grabbing the sink. digging. fuzzy. dizzy.

are my eyes opening and closing? my eyes are opening and closing. im thrashing — i can’t control my arms or my legs. this is happening. this is happening. am i having a seizure? no. i passed out. you’re on the floor. my leg is bruised. you’re stable because you’re on the floor. this is happening. focus. bring it back. call victoria. call. don’t call. call. call and breathe. control. focus. you’re okay. you’re safe. breathe. get all that bad air out.

i just passed out on the bathroom floor and now i can literally only go up from here!! :)

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