im finally doing it.
i’m achieving how i want to look.
i dont give a fuck about anything else in the world — i’m hurling myself into everything i want to bE AS WE SPEAK ANd i’ll do anything to get there.
i’m untouchable. even if i slip up — ITS OKAY TO SLIP UP. DON’T BE TERRIFIED OF SLIPPING UP. YOU’RE ALREADY FURTHER THAN YOU’VE BEEN IN 5 YEARS — i’ll get right back on track. this is everything to me right now. i’m going to fucking look like the way i’ve always felt. i’m going to be me.
i’m retracing myself. people will finally see what i’ve felt like deep down and what i’ve desperately wanted to show them.
im not holding myself back anymore bc i no longer adhere to any previous misconceptions noted about me. i’m different. i’ve grown. i’m re-writing my image — FINALLY to fit what i’ve always, always wanted it to be.
this is what i want. this is genuinely what i need to be whole and happy and true to myself right now — i’m sure (i hope) that’ll change, but for now — dude, fucking embrace it! you can make the difference. you can feel good.
who cares if you know you’ll get fat again one day?? wouldnt you rather have skinny years too!? fucking stop thinking about brand continuity and live your FUCKING LIKE, MAN. breathe.
youre holding your breath, breathe.
let it go. let all the apprehension go. let the self doubt go. let the wandering feelings go. let it all go bc that’s all serving the person you dont want to be — the person you’ve been serving most of the last few years. the person who isnt you.
dude, you have values and interests and a personality that adhere to a certain look and feeling a certain way and, um, i dont give a fuck and i need to honor those.
i’m not scared anymore. i can be what i want to be. i can do this!! all the sacrifices will be/are worth it. every single one. nothing else even comes close to comparing to me feeling like myself and feeling good and feeling confident.
eventually, youll get fat again, bc food is good. and thats cool! that happens!!! whatever!!! life is in flux. thatll just be a time when letting loose and eating such good food is more important. and thats totally cool. i guess thats what i’ve valued more these last few years, and i had such an awesome time and i wouldnt change those years bc i was in the fucking trenches of learning about myself, but now im in a new place — a place of ambition. a place of wanting to flex. a place of seeing what i can have and chasing it down with every fiber in my being.
life is in flux. and now i have the fire burning behind my eyes to paint the picture i’ve always wanted to paint but been too scared to or haven’t wanted/valued enough — at 22, just starting to live in LA.
the perfect. fucking. time.