it wasn’t just you.
it wasn’t only you.
it was me, too —
and i can say that.
i could have taken the reins —
no, dude,
you know what?
i couldn’t.
we both know i couldn’t.
i needed you.
i needed you,
and you were gone
until the second you needed me
a year fucking later.
fuck you, dude.
fuck you so fucking bad.
you made me lose trust in people.
you made me lose trust in life.
you made me lose all trust in myself.
you did that.
you were there.
i was drowning/
spinning/
alone
and you had the control.
you always have the control.
//
why the fuck was i waiting
for these shitty fucking people
who were using me for their own
pleasure/
image/
game? maybe?
i don’t understand it.
i can’t speak for what you were doing
because i’m not wired like that.
i’m not wired to be a cunt.
i don’t know what you were doing.
i don’t know what you were thinking —
i can’t even begin to understand it.
i do know you could have been there for me,
you selfish, fucking coward.
you could have helped me through
depression/
heartbreak/
suicidal thoughts,
like a best friend does,
but you walked away.
after you said —
you. said. —
you’d always be there.
i was there and
you said that.
//
and the funny thing?
you didn’t even notice you left me.
you didn’t even care —
and don’t you dare fucking say that you did.
i was there.
and you could not be bothered.
not even in the slightest.
you had me right where you wanted me
until you didn’t want me anymore.
//
i’m sorry.
i didn’t know i was mad at you.
oddly enough,
i was never mad at you
when we weren’t friends,
because i was at such a loss.
such an utter loss.
i couldn’t be mad because
i couldn’t even keep my head above water.
i couldn’t be mad because
i didn’t know what you took from me.
you’d have known i wasn’t mad then
had you checked in
even once.
had you even thought to.
but, now, i am mad.
i’m so mad.
because i’ve only just realized
you permanently damaged me.
i’m here
and i know that.
//
with the help of people who
do care for me and
have been there time and time again,
i’ve only just started healing
the wounds you gouged into
my thighs,
my psyche,
my fucking heart, dude.
we should talk.
//
