it wasn’t just you.

it wasn’t only you.

it was me, too —

and i can say that.

i could have taken the reins —

no, dude,

you know what?

i couldn’t.

we both know i couldn’t.

i needed you.

i needed you,

and you were gone

until the second you needed me

a year fucking later.

fuck you, dude.

fuck you so fucking bad.

you made me lose trust in people.

you made me lose trust in life.

you made me lose all trust in myself.

you did that.

you were there.

i was drowning/

spinning/

alone

and you had the control.

you always have the control.

//

why the fuck was i waiting

for these shitty fucking people

who were using me for their own

pleasure/

image/

game? maybe?

i don’t understand it.

i can’t speak for what you were doing

because i’m not wired like that.

i’m not wired to be a cunt.

i don’t know what you were doing.

i don’t know what you were thinking —

i can’t even begin to understand it.

i do know you could have been there for me,

you selfish, fucking coward.

you could have helped me through

depression/

heartbreak/

suicidal thoughts,

like a best friend does,

but you walked away.

after you said —

you. said. —

you’d always be there.

i was there and

you said that.

//

and the funny thing?

you didn’t even notice you left me.

you didn’t even care —

and don’t you dare fucking say that you did.

i was there.

and you could not be bothered.

not even in the slightest.

you had me right where you wanted me

until you didn’t want me anymore.

//

i’m sorry.

i didn’t know i was mad at you.

oddly enough,

i was never mad at you

when we weren’t friends,

because i was at such a loss.

such an utter loss.

i couldn’t be mad because

i couldn’t even keep my head above water.

i couldn’t be mad because

i didn’t know what you took from me.

you’d have known i wasn’t mad then

had you checked in

even once.

had you even thought to.

but, now, i am mad.

i’m so mad.

because i’ve only just realized

you permanently damaged me.

i’m here

and i know that.

//

with the help of people who

do care for me and

have been there time and time again,

i’ve only just started healing

the wounds you gouged into

my thighs,

my psyche,

my fucking heart, dude.

we should talk.

//