remain calm.

thinking things through cant fix everything.

talking things out cant fix everything.

dont push the river.

if he doesnt want you, then dont waste another moment on him. then it wasnt right. and thats okay.

your stability relies on no one. you are strong. you are capable. youre okay. youre okay

 

staying afloat

i woke up floating in a black pond of anxiety —

murky water already creeping to cover my mouth

and swallow my face.

the more i struggle to breathe,

the faster i sink.

i was floating just fine when i was asleep.

my heart is picking up speed —

im trying not to drown.

i dont see the shore.

where the fuck is the shore?

alrighty, rae. this past week, youve indulged on sleep, food, and weed. and now its time to restructure. nope, its not all or nothing, so lets find a balance. no crazy changes or limitations — lets just use this week to be better to myself.

attainable goals that dont stress me out:

1. get back on the healthy eating train (youre not far off!!). just do your best. start logging again and hold yourself 100% accountable.

2. try to run twice this week, and do a circuit. maybe a hike! get on a pair of fast and frees and shut your brain off for a little. learn more shuffle moves!

3. maybe hold off on the weed — weed makes you eat and sleep too much. its honestly not worth it. its seriously dumb how not worth it it is.

4. you have three days off this week. THREE. when was the last time you had three days off? we’re not going to sleep through them. apply to jobs. walk ventura. go outside. see goal 2.

all manageable. im proud of myself bc even though i woke up in the gray of anxiety, and theres nothing i can really do about that now, i can work on waking up in a healthier head space tomorrow and the next day. im growing as a person, and im striving to give myself the best chance at being happy. baby steps.

staying afloat

justification for never having tried

“yeah, but i think its important to note all the stories we don’t hear.

the people who aimed high and fell short.”

“but rae, where would Oprah be if she didnt try? who would Lady Gaga be if she didnt work her ass off to get into the industry?”

“okay, sure, but how many names tried to claw their way into that sentence and now sit at home in their own mediocrity?

i realize you cant make it unless you try, but…”

justification for never having tried

a loving response

You are so beautiful!

I’m so proud of you. I’m so happy for where you are in your life. You have certainly learned lessons that many people don’t learn – ever. And the beauty of it all is that you know there may be ups and downs but you are ok with that. You overcame a huge hurdle. YOU did it. YOU can do anything!

I hope you see how people love you- you have so much to give. No matter where you are – small brewery or huge company – just shopping in the grocery store. I’m excited to see the great things you will do in your life. So many wonderful things!

Keep growing and making this world a better place.

You are so beautiful! And I love you so!

a loving response

a text to my mom

this is random and a long thought — dont feel the need to read it or respond promptly — but i just talked to leah who went to see galen for new years and she was telling me about how much he’s struggling mentally and went on to (continue) talk(ing about) how much shes struggling mentally and ive been hearing more and more about how people my age are having SUCH a hard time, and im just taking a moment to recognize and appreciate how well im doing. the past few weeks have been hard and discouraging, but i consistently find myself celebrating the positives and appreciating the good in my life right now — which isnt something ive ever been able to do before, and im doing it nearly naturally. no, i dont love LA, but i love parts of it (and im checking myself and appreciating those parts bc i wont be here forever), and im excited to be here. its not all or nothing. im not holding any expectations. im seriously just doing my best, working hard, enjoying myself when i can, and believing everything will work out. and if thats not the healthiest mindset to live by then i dont know what is. i often wake up and am immediately reminded that i live with chronic depression, and even though those days/moments are really freaking hard, i really feel like im getting a hold on everything. im not putting my happiness into anything like “if i lose 10 pounds then ill be happy” or “once i land a job ill be happy” — im just happy with the person i am right now. and im trying to improve and learn. and i know this clarity isn’t indefinite — ill inevitably slip back again into darker places (because thats being human) — but right now things arent perfect and im 100% okay with it. and thats huge. and i know for a fact that i wouldnt have been able to make ANY of this growth this past year if it werent for you guys. i remember all too well how i felt in Erie — how scared i was and how little i wanted to be alive, and i just know this past year was the biggest blessing. you guys created a space for me to heal and heal slowly, which gave me so much security and allowed me to just. fucking. breathe. and shed so much heaviness. and look toward the future in a way that i couldnt even think of doing before. so i just wanted to thank you for that because you have no idea how much it did. no idea. and i love you guys so, so much. thank you, ma.

a text to my mom

sometimes i realize im listening to music while simultaneously watching netflix. its a funny thought — trying and block out inner thoughts with outside noise.

it doesnt work.