a text to my mom

this is random and a long thought — dont feel the need to read it or respond promptly — but i just talked to leah who went to see galen for new years and she was telling me about how much he’s struggling mentally and went on to (continue) talk(ing about) how much shes struggling mentally and ive been hearing more and more about how people my age are having SUCH a hard time, and im just taking a moment to recognize and appreciate how well im doing. the past few weeks have been hard and discouraging, but i consistently find myself celebrating the positives and appreciating the good in my life right now — which isnt something ive ever been able to do before, and im doing it nearly naturally. no, i dont love LA, but i love parts of it (and im checking myself and appreciating those parts bc i wont be here forever), and im excited to be here. its not all or nothing. im not holding any expectations. im seriously just doing my best, working hard, enjoying myself when i can, and believing everything will work out. and if thats not the healthiest mindset to live by then i dont know what is. i often wake up and am immediately reminded that i live with chronic depression, and even though those days/moments are really freaking hard, i really feel like im getting a hold on everything. im not putting my happiness into anything like “if i lose 10 pounds then ill be happy” or “once i land a job ill be happy” — im just happy with the person i am right now. and im trying to improve and learn. and i know this clarity isn’t indefinite — ill inevitably slip back again into darker places (because thats being human) — but right now things arent perfect and im 100% okay with it. and thats huge. and i know for a fact that i wouldnt have been able to make ANY of this growth this past year if it werent for you guys. i remember all too well how i felt in Erie — how scared i was and how little i wanted to be alive, and i just know this past year was the biggest blessing. you guys created a space for me to heal and heal slowly, which gave me so much security and allowed me to just. fucking. breathe. and shed so much heaviness. and look toward the future in a way that i couldnt even think of doing before. so i just wanted to thank you for that because you have no idea how much it did. no idea. and i love you guys so, so much. thank you, ma.

a text to my mom

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