this is the first time in a long time that ive been locked into my phone thinking of you.

i keep scrolling through your likes and her tweets out of habit. im lost. i feel sick.

my stomach is upset and my head is throbbing.

i dont know what to do with myself.

uncertainty.

are ken and i breaking up

am i prepared to be single

shan said i have to be in control, and i do. otherwise, i freak out. i jump ship. im totally in control now, and im not doing anything. i need people — extroverts — to force themselves into my schedule. if im left alone to do as i please, ill get some things done maybe, but ill sulk in silence in the dark wrestling with the sunken void in the pit of my being.

depression?

anxiety?

why am i not productive? why am i not driven?

i just dont care.

im confused.

im starting to freak out.

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