thriving & hiding

its been just over a month since i began my fitness journey. i feel great — i think i look relatively better, too.

im so excited that im still on this train. i want it so badly. i want it at my core this time, and im not going to stop until i reach where i want to be. ive never had this fire before. i guess ive never truly wanted it this badly.

i still have a very long way to go. but im not letting it slip from my hands.

work sucks. im finally almost able to stand on my two feet, which is great, but the people pretty much blow, and the income is everything but stable. im frustrated. but the hours allow me time to sleep in and go to the gym, and usually i can talk to mom after my shift. i like those parts a lot. i might send my app for the call center bc money sounds great, but i really do like sleeping and having time to work out. plus my classes start up next week. we’ll see.

i got my IUD yesterday. it was the worst pain i think ive ever really experienced, but now that it has simmered down, im so excited!! i really felt like i had control over my own body, and now i dont have to worry about fucking getting pregnant for FIVE YEARS. im an animal.

i definitely made the right choice to come home. definitely. im so happy at my gym with my car and my family — i dont need to be scared of people. im out of the bubble. jesus, i hated that bubble for the better part of three and a half years. my soul feels free.

i cant say im happy. i mean, i can, but i cant say it and mean it. i think im still figuring a lot out right now, and i wont be able to tell where my mental health is before the dust settles. part of me doesnt want the dust to settle bc im scared to find out.

i havent had time to be lonely. thats new.

leah wants me to come up soon, and that makes me physically buzz in excitement. i think we both realize how much we’d missed each other.

im having anxiety right now and im not sure why. its very dull. muted. but present and pestering and persistent.

work is fine. you ate well today. you had a good workout. your friends are good. your parents are good. youre working on your room. youre not scared of the dentist. breathe. hey, youre okay. deep breaths. stay calm. dont cry. oh god. what is it? why are you crying? aw, rae. youre okay. you need to get back to center. find center. let yourself come back. ease into it. dont think. stop thinking. do you hate serving that much?

im working so damn hard to find myself again. im working so hard. its so hard. i feel depleted. tomorrow ill replenish what the gyno, the railyard, the gym, and cleaning my room took from me. relax. tomorrow will be better.


thriving & hiding

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