i lost 6 pounds this past week.
i should be excited.
i thought my apathy toward food was strength — me not experiencing joy from food bc i want to be thin and toned and food isn’t worth remaining fat, but im realizing now my mental health may be worse than i’d thought.
i thought i was healthy. i thought i was fairly regulated. i hope i am, truly, but even in typing that i dont care if i am or not. i dont care about anything. i feel nothing.
i felt no dread for xmas this season. i felt no joy watching mom almost cry over the picture i got her. i felt some confusion when i didnt get a patagonia (and kindof the yeti?), but confusion isnt really an emotion. i thought to myself “i cant wait to be done with [family party] [xmas mass] [opening presents] [family dinner]” like before every occasion bc i just dont want to deal w anything. nothing brings me even remote joy, so what’s the point? its just work right now. its all emotional work. i have to fake it every second of every day right now, and we both know how much i pride myself on always being genuine.
it literally makes my head hurt to be someone else all the time. i feel sick. i feel shitty. im close to tears all the time. im snapping at people, and i dont snap at my family. im annoyed when people text me. im annoyed when people snap me. im fucking annoyed all the time unless im alone — but then i have anxiety bc i feel as though i should be doing something else or appeasing someone in some way. i feel as though i should be putting on a show.
god, i cant shake that feeling. and its miserable. no wonder i want to cry all the time.
i thought i was in a good place, but i was just lying to myself. i was literally appeasing myself and not being genuine toward myself bc thats what im used to doing.
the only person i can really relax around right now is shannon, and thats hard right now bc we’re apart for the first time since we became close. shes always around to talk, though, and honestly that keeps me grounded. every one else puts my on edge. i dont want anyone else to know how easy i start to cry or how little emotion im actually feeling. shannon handles it so well somehow even when im a total bitch and so monotonous.
god. and fr im doing so well for how hard this is. i know that. and im going to keep fucking killing it bc running and stretching and showering today made me feel something. thats a start.
dont lose this, rae. dont FUCKING LOSE THIS.