and in that moment, looking through my instagram, i realized i was happy then. i mean, i was depressed, but i was content and solid and confident. and i wasnt living for literally anyone other than myself. not even a soul.
and i’m going to get that back in 2018. im going to wrestle with this seemingly undying need to impress people/come off a certain way and im going to win. im going to come out on top. and im so excited bc how freeing? how lovely does that sound? how “unapologetically me” does that sound. ill never forget JJ saying that.
i started at the railyard this week. i hated my first day, but after my third, i really kindof like it. i remember why i loved the BBQ so much. ive let everyone else in my life – in the working world – down bc i take on too much and then let it spiral out of control. dave. sarah. katie boyd. i cant have any recommendations from ppl bc i go out guns firing/fire blazing/not giving a fuck. (but in all honesty i think katie boyd still thinks i did great. and sarah can go fuck herself. and dave is just dave and hes fine.) but i didnt fuck up my relationship at the BBQ. i mean, i did, but not bc i did anything wrong. those people literally sucked lmao. im a good employee and im a good person, and i was horrified to start working at a new place bc i didnt want to disappoint these people. but i know im going to do just fine so long as i keep my temper to myself, dont bitch about people, and remain respectful. and do my job, of course. i hope i can use them as references for when i move out to LA and try to serve.
dear god im dreading the day i drop someones food. mark my words — itll happen.
but anyway i thought i wouldnt like working w hanna but i really do. shes been great and we actually get along so well. and alyssa is everything i want to be and everything i dont want to be. elijah is interesting – i cant pin him yet. his eyebrows are better than mine. ken is really nice. kayla is honestly terrifying and i have no intention of cuddling up to her. i wonder how everything will turn out. im excited to go hang out. theyre my friends.
i think this new year is going to be incredible : )