the longest night of my life

i think tonight is one of the longest nights and days of my life.

im so absolutely shaken with emotion that i can’t even begin to understand what it is I’m feeling

regret — did i cut college short before i gave it a chance

excitement — I’m going off and taking control of my life

fear — what’s to come

FOMO — am i going to miss out on leah and galen and shan and sean

stability — i can’t wait to get into my routine and start feeling good again. friends aren’t everything. you have your friends and they’re amazing and you can have your friend time but you’re gonna move into a lot more family time. and thats totally cool

fristratinus — what

frustration — fuck, self, come ON you’re better than this

out of place — where do i belong right now

this is a period of transition, you felt the same way when you were leaving high school. this just feels more final for some reason — maybe bc I’m leaving friends two hours away instead of two minutes away

I’m staying positive, though

i have an online class w leah in the spring and we’re going to go to Odessa, so we’ll stay in touch i think. idk why I’m so concerned about keeping the closeness we’ve recently re-discovered. i think i just have an insane amount of fun when I’m with her and i want to cherish it while we have it

it’s no fair if I’m always the one making sacrifices for that to happen (I’m lamenting over my decision to go home bc it means fewer times to hang w her whereas if Djordjie was in the US then she wouldn’t think twice about how i was feeling) (i can’t fault her for that though, honestly, like life ebbs and flows. i think she knows i’m always here for her and we’ll be able to catch back up and check in every now and then

“you okay, my dude?” just checking in on your trip

safety

no one should be thinking of me when he or she is living his or her life. but i think of everyone else it seems like. maybe i don’t. i think I’m aware, though, at the very least

why can’t i type properly with my left hand

its 4AM and i woke up at 5:15AM this morning bc i couldn’t sleep. then leah and i went to chick fil a and weren’t hungry for breakfast. she’s skinny.

don’t rush. never rush any second. i was eager to get out and i’d deny it but i definitely wished these past few weeks away. i have a good thing here, and its okay that I’m leaving, but i want to experience this here and now, you know? don’t rush just bc you’re nervous or frustrated or anything.

the shower here has really nice water pressure

how many times have i sat and cried in the shower here or taken a nude for a boy or — wait have i seriously never had sex in the shower here? or even had a boy in there? weird. — given myself a hair mask or had someone shave my head or gone over a presentation or meeting in my head

and while not all of those things were good in the moment, the water pressure is really good. and i shouldn’t have forgotten that even when i was caught up in other things

bc thats what life is about. now i can’t cherish the water pressure — or now ill miss it, rather — bc while i had the chance, i was too caught up in other bullshit. i mean, its so okay to not feel okay all the time, but i think recognizing where you are and the positives and what you’re going to miss are really important — especially when you’re in a not so okay place

I’m going to miss kevin whistling to himself and always making pasta. katie’s candles in her room and her folk-y music.

stop. yes, i mean, definitely miss all of that, but theres a reason you’re leaving. many. and you can’t regret this decision or whatever bc its the best one for you. for sure. right?

college was an experience, and just like that, it was over.

the longest night of my life

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