i havent thought about you in what feels like a long time.
sure, you often pop into my head, but its been a while since i’ve indulged my stream of consciousness and dove into my memories for you, my love for you, my longing for you.
my regret, my pain. my missed opportunities and my misinformed assumptions.
but tonight, i did — briefly in comparison to the hours i’ve spent (not wasted) re-living our laughs and re-walking our path dripping in gold, but i did.
and it took me back.
it took me back to the dinner at Longhorn Steakhouse you took me to because you wanted to give us one last try. i was drunk and in sweatpants bc i didnt think you would show — i was so used to you not showing. so, maybe, you’re to blame, too, bc you waited too long to make an effort. still, though, i regret that night. i think i could’ve won you back had i done things differently.
“do you know what a jaw bone looks like?”
“see, rae, and that’s why i can’t trust you.”
i remember holding back tears as you drove me back to campus. you knew i loved you, and you still twisted the knife. im still bleeding.
God, i was never comfortable around you. i always felt judged and as though you were comparing me to someone else. i was always trying to appear perfect or perfect for you, and i think thats what i resented so much in the end. i cant explain it.
regardless, i miss you. i miss you so much i cant help it. when i think of our rosegold memories, i remember “the good old days” and “the days i was happy.” how twisted my hindsight has become.
im no longer interested in writing about you. in two and a half weeks, youll be out of my life. possibly for good.
youre okay. youre okay. dont cry. tears prickling. eyes heavy. cant see. nose stiffening. tears rolling.
i hadnt really thought about that. i mean, i have, but it was all really cocky and bitter and like “yeah, you stupid animal, im never going to have to fucking see you again” or really self conscious and scared like “thank god i wont have to worry about seeing you.” but never “oh, my god, i might be walking away from my soul mate.”
i tried. i told you i still loved you this summer. i remained your puppy this summer so youd realize how easy/right/better/perfect we’d be.
so i’m not walking away from anything that you havent already burned to the ground and rubbed my face in.
some part of me will always be waiting for you text, though, and i think thats the hardest thing to accept.