i want to experience unbridled love before i die. i want that young, teenager love — that hair-grabbing, heavy breathing, lip-pulling, soft moaning, teeth-bumping, squealing, running in a field love.

and then i want to die. i want to die before i get too far. i want to kill myself before i have kids. i just want to experience young love, and then i want to bow out. i want to excuse myself. i dont want to watch my life deteriorate, and i dont want to feel any more pain. im so tired of pain. im so tired.

im excited for love and im excited for my youth, and then im excited for it to come to a close. i know im selfish — i’ve always known this. i dont want to hurt my mom.

an early death is on brand for me, i think.

im so tired.