I JUST SMILED WALKING ALL THE WAY FROM HIRT TO MY HOUSE

I HAVE SO MANY THINGS TO BE HAPPY ABOUT TODAY. I FEEL SO LIGHT. I FEEL SO GOOD. WHAT A GOOD DAY!!!

i woke up on shannons couch feeling sick and i was like ah fuck how am i going to get through this day i have to uber to therapy and then uber home and go sit in class for two hours sweating from my ass from nerves bc im near riley and other ppl judging me.

so i got a Lyft immediately and ran down the stairs of Lovell and was nervous bc i didnt know what intersection i was at or where i put the Lyft pin but the woman heard me immediately! and i got in and she was so nice and every time id add something to the conversation she would really agree and be like “yes exactly!!” and i felt really validated and comfortable and like we were on the same page. i tipped her $2.

then i went into bay city and sat down and my seat was comfy and a woman came in and actually talked to me for a second unlike everyone else who just stares when i smile at them.

carrie is always so excited to see me it literally warns my heart. i started crying telling her how its been hard for me to go to class and she was so receptive it made me feel so good.

she gave me really good things to work on like i cant judge someone and think i know even remotely anything about the way they perceive the world. i always think people are judging me but im actually just judging myself and pretending like the guy next to me thought it. get out of your head, rae!!!!

then i called mom after my appointment and she was so loving. she had tears in her eyes she was so happy for me. she ripped into social media yet again — i love it. she gets it.

i hopped off the phone bc i was in my Lyft ride w Gerald who reminded me that you have to live for the now — you cant wait for the future. he was very supportive and very kind, and when I was getting out he told me I’m a good person.

then i went to marketing and it wasnt even bad. and i smiled all the way walking home from Hirt.

what a good freakin’ MOOD.

I JUST SMILED WALKING ALL THE WAY FROM HIRT TO MY HOUSE

tears & wishing for triumphs

i dont know if i can finish out the semester.

i know i have to but i dont know if i can.

i hate being here more than anything it physically makes me sick like the anxiety i have walking around campus and being on campus is entirely, absolutely consuming.

what the fuck is wrong with me? why the fuck can everyone else do this but i cant?

ive been slipping and starting to miss classes. i hate being in my bed. i hate being in my room. i hate being alone but i feel like i have no choice even if i do have options. people text me all the time but i push them away for some reason. WHY. and then im alone and miserable and riddled with anxiety.

is this normal?????

tears & wishing for triumphs

confused & zero steps closer to helping myself

man i have so much anxiety i cant sleep. i cant even put my phone down bc im scared of feeling the entirety of it and my phone screen numbs it a little.

i feel like im going to throw up

i feel so alone

my head is pounding

like jj came over and hung out for a bit and like hello ??? you dont need to be w someone all the time ??? wtf is wrong w you ??? youre okay ???

im literally riddled with anxiety most of the time and im pretty sure almost none of it is justifiable/acceptable. its definitely not helping me in any way. do i just have an idea in my head of what i should be doing/what others think im doing/what i think would be “cool” to be doing and when im not fitting that i start freaking out?

im scared. im scared im like retracting as a person instead of growing. im so terrified and confused about why this is happening to me. am i bringing it on myself? do other people feel like this? what changes should i make to my life in order to feel secure again?

i feel so fucking shitty oh my god. this feeling wont go away.

confused & zero steps closer to helping myself

giving ups and getting downs

anxiety

anxiety

hey they fixed the weird automatic double space enter thing

heart thumping

quick breathing

anxiety

cant escape it

tired

ive been so fucking angry these past few days and drilling the fuck out of people for it. im just mad. im so mad.

im mad people are boring and im mad i cant seem to find genuinely stimulating people and im mad i dont care enough about my general appearance to dress to attract the type of people i crave and im mad people dont just “get” it. im mad i have to resort to being alone in order to not feel out of place. im fucking frustrated and fed up with myself and everyone around me and my situation. i want to start over but im not even sure what that means.

i didnt think i would miss the weird automatic double space thing, but i do. now im mad about that, too.

heart pounding

heavy breathing

tired eyes

ive been thinking a lot about killing myself lately. i really have no desire to be alive — the possibility of future success has always spurred me to keep going, but i dont even want my shot anymore. i dont even care to see what life has in store for me. i wanna quit early before i fail — before other people can see that ive failed — again. just like high school. just like college. IM FUCKING MISERABLE AND MY SELF PITY HAS TURNED INTO ANGER TOWARD OTHERS AND THATS NOT GOING TO FUCKING GET ME ANYWHERE.

i dont feel depressed. i dont feel numb. i feel like shit and isolated all the time and its almost worse. at least before i could blame my fucked up mind on a disorder.

tears welling

nose prickling

eyelids heavy

heart racing

i can tell im about to push some very important people away and i dont even care. i want to. fuck them for not living up to my absolutely impossible standards. but when i come out of this im scared ill regret it. ive never really regretted doing it before, though.

God help me.

i dont know what to do anymore. i dont know what to do.

 

[edit: they did not fix the weird automatic double space thing]

giving ups and getting downs